I am one, and have legally been one for 15 years.

I read about a lot of the adult SDs on here and I shake my head. I have empathy for the tough cards they've been dealt. Some of them have had bioparents who weren't always there for them. I have empathy for the tough cards anyone is dealt. However, getting dealt tough cards doesn't justify rude behavior and actions. Oprah had a tough childhood, and look how well she has done in her life.

I've been thinking about how to be a good adult SD for many years, 15 to be exact. There are times when, like anything else in life, it can be very difficult.

The first thing I decided to do was continue counseling. From the time my parents divorced right up until I graduated from high school, I saw my school guidance counselors once a week for an hour. They were absolutely wonderful, and I don't know how I would have made it without them. My parents saw I was angry, and even though they didn't have a lot of money, they wanted to get me help.

Having a neutral party to vent to and go to for learning healthy coping strategies was crucial for me. I hated my stepmother and therapy helped me realize I needed to forgive and make peace with her. She had bashed my mom to me repeatedly, screamed in my face, and made me feel excluded when I went to see my Dad. I would have loved to have had any one of you as a SM.

I have always had a very close relationship with my dad. He is a good person, and I have always wanted to have him in my life. I need him in my life. I don't say that in a creepy way. I say that because I think we're always going to need our parents. Sure, we might not be financially dependent on them anymore, but I know I can always count on my dad to give me good, sound advice, love and support.

I was talking with my therapist about how I love and need my dad, but I don't need a stepmother. I think a lot of stepkids feel that way. People and animals have been wired since the beginning of time to think about Mom and Dad. I haven't done a whole lot of reading on the animal kingdom since I was in middle school, but the only group I ever heard the word "stepparents" associated with was and is that of homo sapiens. I have never heard of a female bird flying over to another female's nest and "encroaching on her territory," as I have put it to past therapists. I had never heard of mother animals having to hand their offspring over to the father animal and his new partner. I've only heard of humans having to do that.

One of my therapists told me that while we may not need, want, love or even like stepparents, if we love our bioparents, we'll learn to accept and make peace with the stepparents. We don't have to be close with them, call them on the phone to chat with them or cry with them over chick flicks. What is important, though, is that we are civil to them and acknowledge their existence. This means not saying "put me on the phone with my dad" if SM picks up. This means chatting with her in a polite way for a few minutes before asking to speak to Dad. This means greeting her when you see her and saying goodbye. This means being willing to meet her in the middle. I have learned that most stepmoms want their husbands to have loving, healthy relationships with their kids, child or adult, and are willing to meet their skids in the middle. Maybe the meeting in the middle could be that if SD does not constantly make derogatory remarks about SM and insist that SM not be present, SM will be more than happy to agree to Dad spending some quality time with SD a few times a month (i.e. getting lunch together and catching up). I know that I as a SM think, "if you stay out of my marriage, I'll stay out of your relationship with your Dad." I didn't say it that directly to my SDs, but that is the basic message I think I've successfully conveyed to them. Of course, I ask DH (and them) about how they're doing. If it's something that impacts me, I'll say something. DH does not tell me every single little thing about my SDs. He tells me the important stuff that impacts me, and I think that this is something all adult SDs need to realize. We're not selling our knowledge about them to enemy countries or terrorist groups. A lot of adult SDs need to know that most SMs don't want to know every single intricate detail of their lives. We don't want them to adore that their dads are in relationships with us. We just want them to act respectfully about it and in return we'll act with the same respect towards their relationships with their Dads.

This is what I have figured out over the years through therapy. I figured it out not for my stepmother, but for my dad and myself. Also, my dad told me when I was younger that SM comes first not because he loves me any less than he does her, but because someday I'll be out on my own. He also told me that the love a parent has for their child is just as deep as the love they have for their spouse, just very different, and that someday I'd understand when I was in a relationship and have my own kids. I remember that conversation vividly.

I think that if all adult SDs adopted the philosophies of a) you may not need, love, like or want us but if you love your Dad you'll do what we have done/are doing about you by acknowledging our existence and being polite to us, b) If you stay out of my relationship with your Dad as his wife/partner I'll stay out of your relationship with him as his daughter, c) I am willing to sit down and have a rational discussion with you and figure out where we can meet in the middle and compromise with you if you are too, and d)getting counseling is a much better alternative than taking every single thing out on SM, then I think a lot less of us would be wounded and would respond much more positively to adult SDs.

What do you think?