* Worth focus and a read. IMHO This is some of the wisest advice I have seen on STalk.
Thank you for this Russell1981. I very much appreciate it, and you. Your wisdom is beyond brilliant.
Regards,
Rags
I Try To Be Objective
Submitted by Russell1981 on Fri, 02/24/2023 - 3:52pm
I think one of the many issues is that everyone defines love wrong, forgiveness wrong, and many other things.
My dad is a pastor and I remember him having to counsel ladies who had been physically abused in marriages and they kept going back for more. He would get so upset and he gave me a piece of advice I never forgot,
"Son you can love and forgive someone and STILL call the cops".
While I worked hard to gain the relationship of my SDs my wife had my back and she knew I was not going to tolerate disrespect. If they disrespected me then I had no issue with telling them that I loved them but it is time to go live with your dad. Being that their dad was always gone that was never an option for them. I never put up with that victim mentality crap.
I know and can empathize that they did not cause a divorce and their life as they knew it got turned upside down. So it is fine to cry about it and be mad about it, but eventually, you have to get over it because it isn't going to change. You can make yourself a victim if you'd like, but guess what, nobody ever follows a victim unless they are clicking follow or like on Tik Tok, which does not matter.
The ones that figure that out end up having better relationships with all involved and the ones that become victims have niche relationships.
The marriage lasts beyond your children or SKs. They eventually move on, build their own lives, have grandkids, cut you out, etc. At the end of the day and your life, it is you two and it needs to be that way now. With everything my SDs have put me through if my wife had not had my back and I had hers then we would have been divorced 7 years ago and missed out on so much.
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So true. A lot of people who
So true. A lot of people who are toxic or abusive had hard childhoods. You can empathize but it doesn't mean you have to put up with their crap.
So what is your advice
So what is your advice Russell81 to those of us that have a spouse that doesn't have our back when it comes to SKs and tells someone else that nobody will come between DH and his kids, not even his wife? What would you say to that?
I'm not Russell1981, however....
I would advise to give that person divorce papers.
They are not a partner.
You can love and forgive them. But do it from afar and from a future that they are not a part of.
Lay it all out
You have to have an honest discussion prior to the marriage. My wife knew where I stood and she agreed with it prior to me ever saying I do. As I said in the previous post my dad is a pastor so I tended to see the worst in people and growing up around that gave me perspective so when I went into a blended marriage I was not idealistic all the time...I was at times but it did not last long.
If the discussion occurs during the marriage then it most likely goes into divorce.
The only thing I can say is that you have to have an honest discussion with your SO and lay it all out so they know you are serious. I would even go as far as to have a lawyer ready with divorce papers if they push back.
It is YOUR marriage and not your SKids. If they can't figure that out, then it is going to be a struggle for the rest of your relationship. I am not an advocate for divorce, but if a spouse elevates their child above their marriage then it only enables the child to triangulate and constantly divide you and your spouse. Step kids move on, bio kids move on, and grandkids move on and have lives. It is important to keep people in the right order in order to love them correctly.
I .. am not an advocate of divorce either...
However, I am a firm believer in the power of ... the do-over. Particularly when one finds themselves in a toxic relationship. It can happen that the person we fall in love with then marry is not the person they claimed to be during the pre nuptial phase of the relationship and the person we wake up next to the morning after the wedding is a serpent eyed Succubus or Incubus and not the angel they were dressed as for the prior phases of the process. Someone who will suck the joy out of our lives. No person is worth that. Divorce should be as immediate as possible in the case of finding oneself with a toxic POS. With no regrets beyond marrying them in the first place and with no guilt.
I am on my second marrige. My incredible bride and I will celebrare our 29th anniversary this coming summer. Inshallah.
As for my first blessedly brief marriage. I would not have divorced my XW. Divorce was not in my lexicon of personal options at the time. My parents, their parents, and even my XW's parents had not divorced. Except my GrandDad whose first Even when it became obviouse that she wanted nothing to do with me or our marriage, I would not have left her. The only thing about her that I am appreciative of is that she gave me the greatest gift ever given to me in my life. She filed for divorce... before I polluted my gene pool with her serially adulterous morally void multiple cheat baby whelping genetics. The only other things I got from her that are of importance... a killer pair of Elephant skin cowboy boots (one of the last legally manufactured and sold in the US) and a killer receipe for queso.
For all of that... I am begrudgingly grateful to my XW. She taught me to love myself, taught me what I will and will not accept and tolerate in the people I interface with, she taught me how I will be treated, she taught me that no one has to our should hold to the sanctity of marriage when the other person does not hold to it and honor you or the marriage day in and day out. They have to earn you, every day. If they do not, there is no need to earn them. Cut them loose. Free yourself. During the recovery from that shit show of a marriage, I rediscovered the man I like being. As my incredible therapist said during our last session after 5mos of marriage counseling followed by 5 more mos of 1:1 sessions "You are okay, go live your life." The 1:1 sessions began after my XW walked out of the last marriage counseling session with a "I do not have a problem with sex.". Of course she didn't. She was mounting or gobbling every swinging Johnson she could get any orifice of her body around the whole time we were married. As clearly documented in her Diary. That she left in our then recently purchased home when she moved out and in with the geriatric Fortune 500 Executive Sugar/Baby daddy. I forget about that gift. And.. he gift of all of her University research papers that I wrote for her the last 3 years of her BSN. The diary, rough draft papers in my handwriting and the graded typed copies went over like a fart in church for her during the divorce process. Ya gotta love when Karma calls on the toxic POS people that weasle into the lives of good people.
That do-over gave me a future with my stunning bride. Kids claim the do-over when they do not get the outcome they want in a game, etc... Why not adults who are cursed with having made a shit choice in a mate?
Forgive ourselves for a mistake in selecting a mate. Take the do-over. Embrace life. Do not waste it on someone who is wasting their own life.
Thank you Rags
Thank You Rags,
I am relatively new and was not expecting to see that.
My pleasure Russell
I felt your perspective was important and powerful. It was a reply to a Forum thread a week ago and when I read it, it was obvious to me that it needs its own focus.