My stepdaughter is driving me to divorce!!!! HELP ME
Ok so I come across this site my trying to look for info on how to cope with my stepdaughter being mean to my daughter.....I need some advice and am not for sure what to do anymore.
So from the beginning....me and my husband have been together since his daughter was 2 months old....So she has no memories of her mom and dad being together. And things were really, really good before I got pregnant. There was even a time that she said she wished I was her mommy and that she wished she came out of my belly!!! WOW needless to say me and her had a great relationship. Her mom hated that though and would always try and find ways to keep her from us. Then I got pregnant and things just went to H*LL after that. Well I don't know if it had anything to do with my husband being upset that I was pregnant becuase he didn't want to have anymore kids......so i don't know if that is why there had been so much tension or what but it seemed like after I got pregnant he started getting really particular or protective about her but it started causing problems all of the sudden he started feeling like I am too mean to her and that she shouldn't have to listed to me becase I wasn't her mom (stupid I KNOW) so then my daughter was born and it got even worse...and now I am to the point where I can't stand when she comes over.....she moved away for about a year and it was wonderful......when she come back to visit the night she was living she told her dad that she wished he never had another kid with me and that she wished he would move and be with her and her mom and her brother that her mom had with another guy(and they aren't even together anymore) and she wished that her brother was my husbands son and that she wished he had never even met me. Well what made it worse was that her dad didn't even say anything to correct her or for her not to talk like that......so anyways now my daughter is 3 and her sister who is 9 is back and I feel she is ALWAYS mean to my daughter and sometimes I think she even tries to hurt her and she enjoys seeing her get in trouble because she will do things to make her cry becuase she knows her dad will yell at my daughter for crying but not his for making her cry. Example his daughter was 8 and had been taking showers in our bathroom for I don't know 6 years and her and my daughter was taking a shower and I heard my daughter crying and it was like a I didn't get my way cry it was I am hurt cry and I went in the bathroom to check on her and she was sitting in the tub under the water and was crying that it was hot and her sister(my evil stepdaughter) was leaned up against the wall(out of the water) and she said she was trying to make it cooler but didn't know which one it was and accidentally made it hotter!!!! OK then why did you pick up your f*****n sister and get out of the water????? But no she allowed her sister to sit in the hot water and she got out of it.....come one after all the years she had been in the tub she didn't know which one was hot???? I am not buying it and that is just one of the examples.....me and my husband fight about her all the time and I told him that she would be the end of us and that I don't trust her around my daughter if I am not there......what do I do? me and my daughter leave when she comes over becuase I can't stand to look at her and I have never laid a hand on her but I swear when I see her I want to slap the shit out of her.....I need help!!!!!
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Hello and welcome to the
Hello and welcome to the site. I am fairly new here, as well. I totally feel you on this. My situation is different than yours, but there are some similarities and I feel the same way sometimes. My SD14 has told me the entire time I have known her (7 years) that she wished I was her BM. She and I used to have a pretty good relationship until I had my son. Then she became little miss jealous. She got better about that eventually, but then when my daughter came along (who my husband didn't even want and told me I guilted him into letting me have her) it started all over and has not really gone away. She always gives me and my children these terrible looks when she sees us together. Like, if looks could kill, these would. She has admitted that she is totally jealous of my relationship with my BKids because she doesn't have that with her BM and she wishes she had it with me. I don't trust her with my kids, but DH thinks I shouldn't have a problem with it. He thinks she is a built in baby-sittier and that we should just leave the babies with her and have no worries. I just can't do that. Anytime we leave them with her I constantly worry that I am going to come home and they are going to be hurt or left alone, unsupervised, etc. I don't understand how a parent could be so detatched from their flesh and blood. Regardless of whether it was something he wanted in the beginning, the fact is the two of you have a child together and he should love her just as much as he loves his other daughter. He should not want either of them to be mean to the other and should stick up for you and your daughter when SD says hurtful things. I think you should think about your DH and his reactions to these incidents and present him with the facts. If he is not willing to take a look at the situation and realize that there is a serious problem and that it is ruining your marriage, then maybe counseling would be an option. I don't know, it's so hard to know what to do. I struggle with thoughts of divorce sometimes when I get so fed up with SD14 that I just want to throw my arms up and say F**K IT! I wish I had more advice to give you. Just know that you are not alone and that you need to think about yourself and your daughter and your happiness and well-being and do what is best for the two of you. Good luck and God Bless.
Thank you so much for all
Thank you so much for all the comments.......it does make me feel better that there are people out there who can relate to me.....I have no friends who are having to go through what I am......I had read in one blog that someone parents told them never get involved with someone who has kids and now i can completely agree.....the only thing with that is that now a days there are hardly any good men out there who don't already have kids......but i know that the sd is a kid and her parents should be correcting her behavior and I know the blame goes to her dad for not putting her in check when it comes to defending us and I guess that makes me sad becuase I feel he doesn't really defend or stick up for my daughter because he never really wanted her and that just makes me sad and make me feel like I may have to raise my daughter without her dad.. any thoughts?
I am 6yrs older than my
I am 6yrs older than my younger brother. My parents let me know in no uncertain terms that my role as the oldest brother was to protect my younger brothers. PERIOD!
We knew that if we EVER got in to a fight that when Dad got home we would have to go out to the back yard and fight him. That never had to happen but the message was clear. "You fight each other, you fight me".
My brothers and I never fought. Ever. Sure, we argued and we had a few tussles but we never, ever had a fight and I never did anything to hurt him. Since I was older there were the occassional instances when he would get upset when were wrestling because he would get frustrated and mad. But we never fought and I for sure never attempted to scald him in a hot bath. I never hit him, I never did anything to harm him. He was my pride and joy when I was a kid and I am still incredibly proud of him as an adult. My youngest brother passed when I was 8yo and my surviving brother was 2yo. My most ardent desire would be to have had my youngest brother to care for and guide though childhood and in to adulthood.
Based on my own experience and how my Parents dealt with the kid conflict issues I would sit SD-9 down for a no BS clarity session.
Many might not agree with me on this but ....... let her know that it is her job to nurture, guide, lead and mentor her little sister and ........ if she hurts little Sis then she is going to get her ass blistered with a belt. If she hurts little sis again ........ light her ass up. Actually Dad should light her ass up. That would send a more sincere message.
When little Sis is a bit older let them both know that fighting is not an option ......... ever. And if they fight they will both get their asses blistered.
Skid/kid issues aside, it sounds to be that your problem is actually your husband. His attitude towards your joint children is disturbing to say the least.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
I really think the reason
I really think the reason skids have no problems with their Mom being pregnant with their StepDad is because the baby is developing in the womb of "their" birthparent so it feels more like a part of them. With Dad and SM having a baby, they don't attach Dad as having any part of creating the baby because it's in SM's belly.
So there's the first issue. The baby is viewed as being a part of "you" and not Dad.
The second issue is as SD is getting older she's probably playing into her Mother's manipulation because of the feelings she's already feeling for this baby like jealousy, feeling like she's losing her Dad to "another" family.
It's critical that your DH correct SD and foster a relationship between all of you. If it's just coming from you, and not from DH, you are just going to be viewed as the enemy who is taking Daddy away. SD may be young, but I'm sure she's not stupid, she can sense the way DH reacts and plays on it.
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I think your DH needs to
I think your DH needs to step up, plain and simple. It is up to him to call down his child.
I have siblings 8 and 12 years older than me, who tormented me for years, they were a lot older like yours so it is in no way a fair match, and we are not close to this day, because they are assholes.
Sometimes the actual PARENT has to step in, and stop it, before someone really gets hurt. Also I would tell the 9 year old, if she does anything else to your child, she will answer to YOU - not the 3 year old.
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May your blessings outnumber
The shamrocks that grow,
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go.
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Thanks for all the
Thanks for all the replys......you know i really feel that my sd is trying to drive me and my husband apart and some days i really feel like it works because there was one day that i told her to clean her room and she went back there and was putting everything in her toy box (shoes, socks, movies, crayons, everything) and I made her go back in there and take all of that out becuase there is a place for everything and she needed to clean it right and then her dad comes in when she wasn't even done and told her that was good and i said you better not let her leave this room without cleaning it right and he said come on baby and I said I am not playing if you let her leave without cleaning her room right then I will get trash bags and throw all this stuff away becase I am tired of looking at her room like this and he grabbed her by the hand and took her in the living room......so i went and got trash bags and then started dumping stuff in the bags and then she comes in the room and is trying to clean and I told her to go back to her dad and she was still trying to clean so I told her again and I like put my hand on her back to guide her out of the room......wasn't hard and then she runs down the hallway crying and he asked her what happen and she yells that i pushed her down and then he starts yelling at me saying i better never lay a finger on his daughter and it just got really bad......so many more examples will post them as I get replies