My stepdaughter driving me to divorce!!!! Con't
Thanks for all the replys......you know i really feel that my sd is trying to drive me and my husband apart and some days i really feel like it works because there was one day that i told her to clean her room and she went back there and was putting everything in her toy box (shoes, socks, movies, crayons, everything) and I made her go back in there and take all of that out becuase there is a place for everything and she needed to clean it right and then her dad comes in when she wasn't even done and told her that was good and i said you better not let her leave this room without cleaning it right and he said come on baby and I said I am not playing if you let her leave without cleaning her room right then I will get trash bags and throw all this stuff away becase I am tired of looking at her room like this and he grabbed her by the hand and took her in the living room......so i went and got trash bags and then started dumping stuff in the bags and then she comes in the room and is trying to clean and I told her to go back to her dad and she was still trying to clean so I told her again and I like put my hand on her back to guide her out of the room......wasn't hard and then she runs down the hallway crying and he asked her what happen and she yells that i pushed her down and then he starts yelling at me saying i better never lay a finger on his daughter and it just got really bad......so many more examples will post them as I get replies
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Wow, how old is sd? Sounds
Wow, how old is sd? Sounds like total manipulation to me. What if you kept trash bags of stuff in garage, basement and she could earn stuff back with good behavior? Maybe DH would go for a planned compromise?
Not too much fun, sometimes, is it? I sympathize with you.
How old is she? I would
How old is she? I would start by confirming to him (as if you need to) that you would never lay a hand on his daughter! That is an option for him (if he chooses to be that kind of parent - not condoning it though), and if anyone were going to go down that path it would be him. This sounds like a situation that boiled over from previous problems that weren't addressed properly (by him not you). It sounds like your frustration with the situation makes even these small things seem like big issues - not because of the act itself, but her overall attitude and the way she is with you. This is totally normal, because I get the same way. I have taken a less parental role with my SD, but she is also 16 already. I try to be there for her, but let him do the control/parenting things. I sit down with him, express how I feel about certain things (in that womanly way we all have of making them realize we are right). It usually takes a special touch to be able to reach some of these Dads, because they are oober defensive if it is something that you have come up with, instead of something they feel like they have. I usually approach these situations by sitting down, and explaining all sides of the situation to him, and he usually sees my point. All men are dif though, just like all SD are! If rationally talking doesn't work, use a womanly manipulation (not in a bad way) to make him gradually feel the way you do about the issues that bother you.
The only bad thing about the
The only bad thing about the dad in this situation is that he puts sd9 on a pedistal.....she never does anything wrong and I am just the evil stepmom who is always pickin on her........he thinks that I am too mean to her and I am alway pickin on her and in return I think that sd9 is mean and is always pickin on bd3...........It has just gotten realy bad and he has said that he doesn't feel she should have to listen to me becase I am not one of her parents and I told him that if she is going to be in my house then she will listen to me NOT becuase I am a parent bt becuase I am an adult.....and I am not going to have her come over here and she doesn't have to listen to my when my daugther who is 3 will start wondering why doesn't her sister have to listen??????
Didn't know about your BD.
Didn't know about your BD. You need to seriously sit down with the father. If he wants to be the parent, then you need to communicate what you expect out of his daughter, and come to an agreement on the way to act with the kids. You cannot be one way with one and another with the other - it sends mixed signals which ALWAYS cause trouble. If he can't handle your opinion, and doesn't value it enough, GET OUT NOW! At the young of age, these are the molding years, and all he is doing is promoting that you're opinion means (excuse me) SHIT! As she becomes a teen, it will get worse. I have had a couple people suggest councilling, which I think is a good idea - especially with multiple kids.
Again, if he doesn't want her listening to you - so be it! Let him be the bad guy! Communicate to him that you want a level playing field for both kids, so you need to discuss rules, etc. Then, if he wants to be the one giving orders, let him do the dirty work!
I have the same issue. SD 9
I have the same issue. SD 9 frequently tells Dad how mean I am. This stems from me having rules and boundries like not talking back not destroying the house and then leaving the mess for me to clean up. She lives with us. Not mom, who is a drunk. I have a million in one examples that sound like yours. My husband undermines me like yours does. I don't have any kids of my own, but I know it isn't right for her to punch her brother full force and then for her consequence from DH to be "don't do it again". She's out of control and she's misbehaved and always will be. I don't hold out any hope of a good relationship because DH doesn't do any discipling, so I am always the bad guy. I also get scolded for being to harsh... I suggest: Go to counselling. We have gone, it helped, we stopped issues have reared their ugly head again.
angryconfusedstepmom....my
angryconfusedstepmom....my 13 yr old son is acting out for this very reason. I expect him to do chores and keep his room clean and my 9 1/2 year old SD doesn't do anything but lay on daddy....beg for things from dad....and order daddy around like a dog on a lease....Of course my son wonders why he should have to be responsible when she isn't expected to. He says it's not fair...maybe it isn't but I told him that I didn't raise him to be that way and he was not going to be that way. I feel really bad sometimes for him becomes he's right, it isn't fair. I have had so many behavior problems with my son that I've never had before and bad grades in school when he used to make straight A's. But we have solved that issue with the grades when I totally went ballistic one day and he decided it wasn't worth it and went back to making good grades.
yes exactly I know that is
yes exactly I know that is how it is going to be when my bd3 is growing up she is going to wonder why her daddy doesn't make her sister do it but she has to and I will as her mom have to explain to her why....it so isnt' fair and I still think that it comes back to him not wanting anymore kids because he doesn't seem like he loves my daughter as much as he loves his daughter.......there are just little things that he does to make me feel that way and I have told him before that he has two daughters now not just one and it isn't all about his oldest daughter anymore.....it has just gotten so bad that it is to the point where I love him but I am not wanting to be with him anymore becuase of his daughter......it is coming to the point where I am not feeling like my love for him is not even enough anymore.
I am sooo very glad that I
I am sooo very glad that I can not have anymore children. Because my BF could never love another child like he does the one he has. She is his reason for being. If something happened to her or when she grows up...I'm scared of what will become of him. He certainly doesn't love my son, not really sure if he even likes him. He seems to find fault in him no matter what he does. He had talked about me having a tubal reversal because he wanted another child but there is no way.