Except that I understand the feeling. When I try to address hygiene, food safety, cleaning up and picking up, SD tells me "I don't CARE about those things." Or that BM doesn't care, which is interesting. BM is a germaphobe for colds, gets squeamish if SD has a 100th of an inch of toenails, etc. But also doesn't clean the house or do laundry or dishes doesn't use cleaning products, eats and leaves food in dishes in her bedroom. She was that when DH and she were married. So how can we even think about changing their...um...cleanliness culture?

I remember when SD needed to start wearing deodorant and the battle to get her to do it. She was offended I thought she needed it. She did.

Now though she's the opposite and puts it on a million times a day, combined with every fragranced soap, shampoo, body spray, hair spray etc, so she smells like a brothel when she leaves the house.

Feast or famine I'm afraid.

"Ahhh oh well I guess it will all play out in the long run..."

Be careful with that statement!!!

The good thing is that it sounds like your DH wants you involved and is supportive...that's awesome! Some SM's don't get that. I would really sit your DH down and make him aware that the hygiene bothers you (it would bother me!!)..or you could go the wicked stepmother route and follow your skid around with a can of lysol and spray it every few seconds. Your DH might take a more proactive step then in helping his son keep his room and himself clean!!

Confusion comes real easy for us SM's!! From our role, to our kids role, to where we fit...yada yada yada. It's never ending. You need to figure out where you will feel more comfortable parenting wise, explain it to your DH, and it'll be much better than you trying to live up to everyone's expectations and having to worry about what BM will think.

I will forewarn you, once you think you have it all figured out...something else pops up!!! That's the beauty of it though. Never a dull moment!

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost

I know how you feel, it's not easy to position ourselves with stepkids.
I think maybe you can take some time to think about this seriously before engaging into anything more with SS....because in my opinion, once you've started, you can't stop, you have to stay consistant and hold your end of the bargain.
It wouldn't hurt the kid to be tought hygiene no matter how involved you wanna be with him. When he is in your house, he needs to follow your rules and that means washing himself and everything else!
I know I wouldn't tolerate it in my house no matter what my role would be.
Anyways, take time to reflect on it, hope you find your "spot" in all this ...and yes,it will all play out in the long run !

he comes over, have him immediately shower or bathe. Tell him you want everyone to smell good for dinner. I know at that age, kids imitate what they see. Maybe buy him a small bottle of young mens cologne, not too strong though. It might provide encouragement when he showers and washes, he gets to do what daddy does.

We don't always form those bonds with our partners kids, and the important thing to remember is that's ok. How long have you and your DH been married or together? Things take time, and for some it takes several years if even at all. I do agree with Katrinkie when she said a "title" is not enough, it's how one chooses to engage with that person that counts. I think you just need to take it one step at a time, focus on what your relationship is right now with your SS, not what it isn't.

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“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”