Im so sad all of time and feel like I no longer matter to my husband.
I have posted on here before, and have taken everyone's advice and have tried to apply it to my situation. But sometimes I just feel like it is too late for me, the damage is already done in my relationship.
I feel like my SD has succeeded in driving a wedge between my husband and I, although I really don't think she means too. It is mostly my husbands behavior that causes this.
My husband and I have not been out together in 3 years. It's shocking for me to type this. I don't know how we have gotten to this bad place but it happened slowly and I take part of the blame.
I have never felt like a "family" with my husband and SD, I always feel like the outsider. DH says this i my fault completely. But the first thing he does when he comes home from work, when I am dying to talk to him, is go straight to SD's room where they hang out together while I am in the living room alone with our baby.
I thought once our daugter was born that things would improve, but it has only made things worse. It feels like we are two families living in one house. Just last night he yelled at me for a doctor bill because I had to take our daughter to see a specialist for her reflux. Then he was angry at me because we needed more formula (my daughter has recently began to eat a lot more.) And our insurance refuses to cover a medication that my pediatrician recommended for my daughter's spitting up problem so he refuses to let me purchase it. The thing is, we are not broke! We have money in the savings, but he is cheap and always gets angry at me if I take our daughter to the doctor. I feel like if his daughter needed something, he would purchase it right away, money would not be an issue!
I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me or give me any advice, after all, I put myself in this situation. I just wanted let anyone know that if you think having an "ours" baby will finally make you a part of the family, think again. It will just make you resentful because your husband's other children will always come first. It was very selfish of me to bring a child into this mess, and stupid. Just needed to vent this morning.
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I am sorry you and your baby
I am sorry you and your baby are going through this. Your husband sounds like an ass, period.
I agree. He can fuck off. The
I agree. He can fuck off. The baby needs meds. He can get glad in the same pants he got mad in. I would shut him down. Do what you know is right. Take care of the child's needs. And ignore his cheap ass.
Ouch! I'm really sorry.
Ouch! I'm really sorry. Sometimes I feel like I am in the same boat.
Are you getting support from friends or family? It's SOOO easy to get sucked into the guilt trap and feel stuck.
It also sounds like you stay at home? Are you the one the cooks meals, cleans, takes care of the kids, etc.? I found out from my husband recently that he felt like he had no control at home because I did it all. I started backing off and letting him bathe the baby, making bottles for her at night (even though I breastfeed) and having him watch her while I would go run errands. He said last night he has felt more like a father in having those responsibilities...it's also difficult for him to connect with a baby. Only recently has my daughter started "playing" and building her personality. This has helped him bond with her more.
Having a baby changes EVERYTHING! I sometimes regret making the decision to have a baby, but love having her in my life. I've always wanted to be a mother. I just didn't know it would be so hard.
Don't beat yourself up about making a decision to marry a man with a child. NO ONE has any idea how relationships will pan out. You chose this, but just didn't expect what has happened.
I hope your day gets better and that you are able to find some support.
Right now, I stay at home (on
Right now, I stay at home (on extended maternity leave)and am returning to work next month. My family is 2 hours away. I have asked my husband if I could go visit them with the baby to get out of the house (i have literally been in the house alone with the baby since August when she was born) and he wont let me, because he will miss the baby. Yes, of course I plan on getting the baby the medicine she needs, but I just wish my husband would be on the same page with me as I am so weary of the constant bickering. I have not gotten paid in awhile because of my maternity leave, so I really don't have any money of my own and he controls the finances to ensure that I don't have much access to the money in our joint account. I also no longerhave a credit card in my name,the only one is a joint card and he watchesevery penny I spend. I am so ashamed that it has gotten to this point, as I am an educated once-independent woman, but I just assumed he would do what was best while I stayed home to care for our baby. Now I have given him too much control, and it is backfiring. He also constantly belittles my family. Sometimes I really feel like he is trying to isolate me. I really am stuck.
Sometimes I really feel like
Sometimes I really feel like he is trying to isolate me.
It sounds like that is exactly what he is trying to do. I hope you can get your independence back when you go back to work.
Please do not be ashamed of
Please do not be ashamed of the fact your DH is being abusive to you. Ok, so you made a mistake by assuming things would improve and then commiting yourself further by having a child with him but that doesn't mean you get to shrink back and allow this man to control, isolate and be-little you.
Domestic abuse can take several forms and while I am no expert in this subject and have no wish to upset or humiliate you further, I suggest you google financial abuse as part of domestic abuse. An element of this is where a man isolates his partner from her friends and family, targets that person's confidence through negative, horrible remarks and controls them through controlling the finance.
I do not know your backstory, but assume you may have tried to challenge/discuss with him issues that you feel need resolving in your marriage and possibly his relationship with his DD (your sd) which he reacted negatively to.
Unfortunately statistically pregnant woman are more likely to suffer domestic abuse, as they are more vulnerable to be taken advantage of and it sounds like that is what is happening to you - although your DD is now born.
You mention you *asked* your DH if you could visit your family. Is this because he would have to finance the trip? Is that the only reason? Does this guy do more than verbally bash you (you dont have to answer that)?
Your DH appears quite happy to put your young DD at risk by preventing medical appointments and obstructing medication advised by medical professionals. That reaction would be difficult to accept if it was because you had no money to pay for these things, but the fact you do and behaves in this manner is really disgusting.
Please consider yours and DD's safety, don't compound your unrealistic fantasy that things would work out by continuing with this delusion fed by hope as one day soon the bubble will burst when potentially something really bad happens. I really think you need to realise the fact that things will only deteriorate further unless YOU change how you are reacting and behaving within this situation.
I appreciate you have feeling for this man and are committed to him, but doesnt your DD and you deserve the same amount of dedication and love that he seem to reserve for sd alone?!
Please inform your family what is happening. Look up some large legal firms, as many offer the first appointment free of charge and get some legal advice about your finances, marriage, custody. DH doesnt have to know, take DD with you, lie if necessary and remember information will protect you, your sanity and provide strength and options for you. That strong, happy, smart, independent woman is still YOU and hopefully if you take back an element of control over your own future and decisions (as guess what? DH doesnt own you or DD and he doesnt get to use DD as a tool to keep you in line) then DH will realise he has issues, he will make positive changes and respectfully fight for your relationship or alternatively you will discover your dignity and life again which is a far better role model for DD than what she has right now.
A mom who is sad, alone and afraid. An angry, controlling father.