Wow I wish I would of found this place sooner
Just a little background...
Ive been a stepmom for 13 yrs now. I have Bio daughter who is 12 and SD is 17. I've practically raised SD since she was 3 because BM is a dead beat mom. she doesn't even pay child support and even when she did it was 7 dollars a month. I've had nothing but hatred and resentment for 13 yrs and here I thought it was all my fault that I feel this way. I felt so alone in all of this like I was the only one with this type of problem. I felt as though all of this was thrown on me and i was just expected to be mom before I even had a child of my own. It has caused nothing but fights over our 13 yr marriage. I had even left my DH once because not only was I raising his child but also her child from another relationship that wasn't DH kid. We now have full custody of SD and she really doesn't interact with her mother.
After reading other posts I'm so glad I'm not alone. I seriously thought there must be something horribly wrong with me. I have just told myself all these years it must be a conflict of personality. We're like oil and water. We never get along. I have been disengaged for a while now. It has its ups and downs. I got tired of feeling like a nagging wench and wasting my time only to be the only one upset over it. I can't get her lazy a@@ to do anything. She doesn't help around the house. I close her bed room door because I refuse to look at the mess and tired of smelling the stench of rotten food that drifts from there. She never listened to me as a child either. I never have any help from DH when it comes to discipline. She walks all over her dad. I'm pretty sure he's completely in the dark and doesn't realize she's having sex and her "sleep over" with friends are just a cover for her to go to her boyfriends. She made a mistake of using my daughters computer and left her Facebook open. She had a conversation up where she was talking to her other half sister that lives with mom. Stating she spent the night with her boyfriend when she was suppose to be at a friends. Said she smoked pot, not sure if she is pregnant but she won't know for another 2 weeks if her period shows up.
I pretended like I didn't see anything. If that is the right choice or not I'm not sure. I don't want to deal with it honestly. I don't see the point of saying anything to DH. Because after all his princess is incapable of such stuff. He may be mad and yell but that will be it. Nothing will come of it. Like always she would get away with it. If she is pregnant he is going to deal with it. I have made my position very clear for 12 yrs that I'm done with babies. If one of the girls got pregnant they better figure out how to deal with it because I'm not raising anymore children. If that means divorce, so be it because I refuse to raise her child because I know she won't do it and DH will dump the task on me.
She is manipulative, lazy, disrespectful, and rude child. I kept praying that she would go live with her mom. I hope as soon as she turns 18 she will move out.
Welcome to ST! I know a lot
Welcome to ST! I know a lot of us on here can identify with many of the things you've been through and continue to go through. That's the beauty of an online Step support forum - I don't know about you but only one of my IRL friends has had step children and they are grown and gone now. Nobody else really understands.
It's good that you have your "bottom line" ie things like raising your SDs child which would be a deal breaker for your marriage. A lot of step parents put up with all sorts of stuff because they can't envisage ending their relationships and a lot of times it would be better to do so, because frankly some of the stories on here don't sound like a life, just an existence.
I personally disengaged from my SDs a long time ago, they are now late teens, still coming over EOW, but slowly we are transitioning to not having them for weeks in the school holidays, which is a relief.
Glad you have joined us here.
My ss16 and I are like oil
My ss16 and I are like oil and water also. I thought it was me too. I love this site, it has saved me from many BAD moments. Welcome and hope if things don't get better on the home front that at least you will enjoy chatting with us here!
Ps, don't count on her moving out at 18
Pps, count on that pregnancy (in other words prepare to move out and if you don;t have to and all goes smoothly, you'll have the plan - sorta like a bug out plan for preppers!)
Thanks! @kes- I'm in the same
Thanks!
@kes- I'm in the same boat. I really don't have any friends that can understand why I feel the way I do. Makes it hard when all I need to do some days is get things off my chest and there is no one that can understand why I'm so angry over stupid things like SD dying her hair with koolaid and staining everything in the bathroom red along with my towels after I told her no!
@sterlingsilver- I won't hold my breath on her moving out at 18. She's a lazy shit and I don't see her getting a job anytime soon. She thinks its going to be easy to move out and roommate with a friend. she has no concept of money and bills. As for the pregnancy if she is pregnant...I already have money and a plan in place for myself and my daughter. I'm almost 99% positive if I told DH that I would be leaving him and filing for divorce if he chose to raise her child he would be horrified of losing me and our child that he would then finally do something about his daughter.
I'm sure I will be back here a lot just so I can learn better ways to disengage. It's hard some days to bite my lip and not say stuff. Like earlier today she was joking around with my sister in law about something and said something to the extent of..."do you think I would lie.. (Looks at me and says) don't answer that". So my smart ass comment was... "Why do you have a guilty conscience?".
Even though My mantra now is..."she's not my problem". I still have a hard time dealing with her since I'm stuck with her every day.
@mamaC Every day is a
@mamaC
Every day is a constant battle to do my best and not explode. I just come on here and rant lol. I keep telling myself that once she turns 18 that I will be able to say enough is enough its time for her mom to deal with her since I've done her job for 15 yrs. it's terrible that you can see the bs happening but if you say anything your being a bitch or interfering. I've done my best to say I don't care it's not my kid but its my husband she is lying to.
I'm just sick of it. I'm purposely making plans next summer to visit my family so hubby will have no choice but to drop her off at her moms.
We are moving to a new place and I've given her the chore of packing her pig stye. She has had since June 1st to get it done and now we have 2 weeks left and her room isn't done. I flat out told DH I refuse to help her. If its not done u will have to help her lazy ass because I will just throw most of it away because it looks and smells like trash. I really don't want to move her stinky body odors to the new place.
But here I am doing my best to not blow up.
You are definitely not alone
You are definitely not alone here! Your situation is where I see us in say, oh, the next few years. SD14 starts high school this school year. At least her freshman year, she has to deal with my son being a senior, and he has already made it very clear she will not have any boyfriends if he has anything to do about about! We live in a small town...everyone in the high school knows my son...he's always been the big brother type, is one of the stars on the football team, etc. So ANYTHING she does, he WILL know...in high school, everyone talks.
I've decided I just have to step back and let SD14 ruin her own life. DH will not listen when I warn him of the signs that she has an eating disorder, and he is way too trusting. She says, "Daddy, I promise I won't do that ever again!" and he believes it. Then, when it does happen again, she simply gets another one of his talks. SD14 has been caught talking to older guys online, telling them she is older than what she is, yet she still has free computer access in the privacy of her room. DH knows that she has pot-head friends with cars, yet he totally unlocks her cell phone. I'm most certain that, if she hasn't had sex already, that will start after my son is no longer away to scare the boys away. There was this one "boyfriend" while SD14 lived at BM's that BM would let SD14 go over to his house all the time without verifying if the parents were home. I find that SD14 is also overly obsessive over her looks...wears makeup to sit around the house! She also tends to be very flirty with boys, which really doesn't help that she is rather well endowed.
I can totally understand how you feel about SD maybe being pregnant...and don't feel bad about it. That discussion hasn't come up yet, but in our case, SD14 will seriously go back to BM if she get's pregnant! The way SD14 already is with dishes and stuff...just leave it and someone else will get to it...I KNOW I will get stuck taking car of the baby! NO WAY! I've done my time...I've raised my two kids...with no help whatsoever when they were babies (BD's daughter split while I was pregnant, and my ex-husband wasn't any help when my son was born). I gave up going out with friends, etc. to be a mom, and there is no way I'm going to get stuck with a baby so someone can keep being a kid! BM doesn't have a life...never leaves her house...let her do it!
@MamaC, I've tried to be
@MamaC, I've tried to be concerned about the potential of there being an eating disorder, but no one listens to me, so I am forced to give up. DH will not always back me when I try to get her to eat, and doesn't seem overly concerned that she often disappears to the bathroom shortly after a meal. I'm not the only one who has brought it up to DH, either. A friend of ours has noticed that every time we hang out, SD14 always disappears to the bathroom after eating. I've also noticed SD14's breath often smells really bad...another sign. DH thinks she just doesn't brush her teeth enough, but I will notice foul breath a mere hour after she brushes her teeth, which is common with purging. We are talking breath so bad that she doesn't have to be right in your face talking...if she is sitting in the back seat of the car talking, you can smell it!
I've done the research...there was also a whole chapter on identifying eating disorders in my studies to become a personal trainer (my part time job which I hope to get successful enough at to leave my IT job after the kids are gone...I'm so burned out with IT). Problem is, I have NO say in anything, and DH will not listen. So, I get to sit back and watch as he ignores her. Summer band starts in a few weeks...SD14 made color guard. I will not be surprised if I get a call that SD14 completely falls out in the heat! They will call DH, who will call me to go pick her up. Hope he will understand that he will have to take off of work to deal with it, because I have no authority to sign for medical treatment! Maybe if it finally interferes with his life, he will take interest in the situation. Until then....
Yea my DH has that attitude
Yea my DH has that attitude also like shipping his princess off to her mothers is horrible. Granted her mother is horrible hence why we have full custody but I think it would be a nice slap in the face and she'd realize how good she has it living with us and maybe would quit acting like an entitled brat because she has mommy issues.
And "mommy issues" are all
And "mommy issues" are all the more reason these KIDS should not be having kids! I can promise you, if my SD ends up pregnant before she graduates high school, that baby is going up for adoption, or the girl gets sent back to her mom WITHOUT child support! Let SD get welfare benefits and go after the baby daddy! The way I see it, if a girl is old enough to think she can have a kid of her own, she doesn't need daddy's child support any longer! I had my first child young (I was 18), and took full responsibility for my own actions, but that is how I was raised...that we make our own choices and we face the consequences, that mommy, daddy, and whoever else are not going to bail you out the rest of your life! The only time I asked my mom to watch my child for me was so I could attend a college class on a Saturday morning or some evening to better my life...NEVER so that I could go hang with friends or anything like that. Kids these days seem to assume that their actions don't matter, especially these girls with daddies who don't put their feet down! They think they can do whatever they want...they can run to daddy and he will make us stepmoms understand. WRONG! If BM is such a horrible person, these men made the decision to have children with them, and now they need to live with that. If their daughters are acting like the BMs, that is their fault for having children with the women, and all the more reason the girls should take their happy butts back to them if they are going to think that having kids as teenagers is cool or not a big deal! Truthfully, I kinda feel sorry for any potential baby daddies of our SDs!
Is that too harsh?
Over here in my palace the
Over here in my palace the only princess here is the queen of the castle and that my friends is me and I thank this sight for some of my confidence. I'm not alone, and I'm not crazy. In this house kid goes home ON time, Kid behaves or both of us have issues.
SD will not live here. If we decide she does, she can leave but she can't come back after she leaves. At 18, the is gone. Day after graduation... GET OUT! BYE BYE! Get a job and support yourself! BYE BYE!
I told my husband if he wants me to look into the face of his love child, and see that ex-whore's face every other weekend, then he will play by my rules or I wasn't getting married. I was clear, I come first, If I say she DOES not move in, she does not move in. We make all decisions together, and she is no different. IF BM wants something he checks with me, if we are a married unit, then we are a married unit on all fronts including how "we," parent that SD when she is here.
Mini-wife my ass! If husband wants kid to be his wife... move on! That is your role, and only yours!
Counting the days until my
Counting the days until my SS17 leaves. I'll help him pack. GTFO. Manipulative sociopath like his dad. once "dad" lives with him for a little bit he'll see the drain on resources his "BS" is. Another post lists it as "crotch droppings". I hate it, but have to agree. Dante's 10th level of hell... stepparenting.