Wife constantly working against my efforts with her son
I've had it. He's 16, and totally incapable of doing anything correctly or completely. He's lazy. He's irresponsible. He's smart, but gets only average grades because he refuses to study. He has my wife completely fooled. I try to get him to take responsibility, and do basic chores without being told, but they almost NEVER get done. And when they do, it's half a$$. He gets everything he wants, and wife trusts him without question. Always an excuse for why he can't EVER do a single thing right without constant supervision. He knows he can get away with doing nothing because his mother won't follow through. His bio dad died at 44 from alcoholism, and this boy is exhibiting some of the same tendencies.
The boy is 16, and we just bought him a brand new car. He has been at camp for 3 weeks- comes home Saturday, and then leaves for another 2 week camp on 7/5. His mother tells me we are going to let him do whatever he wants for the 4 days he is home. All i said was that i wanted him to clean his car, and she jumped down my throat- "he's been gone for 3 weeks- let him have fun!"! Well, he's not been at boot camp, he's been having fun! And, i'm all for letting his 4 days at home be fun, but it's not being mean to expect him to clean up his brand new car that we bought him, is it? But no- she takes it out and washes and vacuums it tonight before he gets home!
Am i offbase here? I've already bailed out of being a parent with regard to his schoolwork, because she gets mad when i punish him for not studying. This is a boy that test very high on aptitude tests, but gets average grades because he doesn't study. Wife keeps enrolling him in "challenge" classes so he doesn't get bored, and he keeps getting D's and C's in these classes. I want the kid to do well- he's got potential, but i'm the stepdad, and so i'm just mean.
I give up. I'm just going to let her have her way and let her screw this kid up. But man, have i ever lost all respect for my wife. How can someone do this? She always complained about how her ex mother in law screwed up her ex husband in this same, exact way; and now she is doing the same. Why fight city hall?
Jaybird777, are you sure you
Jaybird777, are you sure you are not my Present husband????
Unfortunately, I am your wifes clone. We do not mean to screw our kiddies. We think that we are protecting them.
My son is nearly 18 and has just gradded. He is smart as a whip but only puts out enough to get by. He is the youngest of my 3 boys and frankly I am unsure myself how or why I allowed this to happen.
If only your wife could realise that she is doing her son an injustice! When they do go out into the world, they usually crash and burn. We as parents, although done with a good heart, have hurt our children.
I know how frustrated my husband gets with me and I truly wish that I had stepped back more than I did as both my son and I are now paying the price.
Ditto jaybird. Stv has been
Ditto jaybird. Stv has been going through this a while.
You need to let it all go. Make your focus about you and your wife. Leave the skid out of it. Don't push, don't ask nothing. She isn't giving you the ability to parent and thus you cannot. It only causes problems between you and her.
Disengage from skid.
Jaybird, I *was* your skid.
Jaybird, I *was* your skid.
I was in an intact family, and my parents didn't have an outsider to tell them to quit freakin' coddling me. I did okay when I moved out and got a job and paid rent at the age of 19, but two years later when I wanted to go to college, my parents enabled me to work half-assed part time and fail out of college - repeatedly. I didn't start to grow up until I got sick of myself at the age of 25 and joined the military.
While I turned out okay, my parents really should have kicked my underachieving butt OUT. I'm afraid that most people don't have that 'a-ha' moment that I did, and a lot won't grow up until forced.
Thanks Trish! I was that same
Thanks Trish! I was that same way myself, which is why i want something better for my son. I hope someday he appreciates it.
Jay
As a stepmom I have
As a stepmom I have disengaged from my step son. Mine is 17 and sounds like yours. He doesn't do school work, is rude, disrespectful and lazy. Is it possible for you to disengage from yours? Just let his mom handle everything? The beauty of disengaging is that you can relax about the screw ups. Not your kid, not your problem. It's hard to do at first but once you can do it, it is so worth it not to have all the stress of worrying about a lazy teenager.
So get this! I am trying to
So get this! I am trying to disengage form my SD. She is 17. Same issues....doesnt do school work. Doesnt hold a job. Very lazy. Her room, I swear she looks like a hoarder in the making. I let DH handle everything, and then still, get frustrated because her actions effect the house. I am going to keep trying to look the other way....So glad I read your comment....
eventually you will care less
eventually you will care less and less. It will take a long time. It will happen though.
Jaybird, you and I are in the
Jaybird, you and I are in the EXACT SAME marriage. Fortunately, my SS does not have a driver's license and I flat refuse to let him get one (well as much as a SD can refuse). I don't believe in rewarding failure. Oohhhh but my wife had me rent a house on the bus line for his benefit. She loses it when it comes too him and she doesn't see the harm she's laying on him by not preparing him for life. He's graduated from HS (barely), and is lazy, intrusive, and always wants the bset of everything, which she and my wallet seem too pay for. His BF is involved but only discuss football and PS3. The man is in his late 40s and speaks of PS3...really?
I'm sure you've experienced the alienation phase, the arguments phase, the maybe its me phase, the let me rationalize phase, and for me now, the Idon'tgiveadayum phase. This is the most effective because now, I'm setting up to leave. But wanted to let ya know, we're in the same marriage to people we don't even know....
I'm a stepmom in a
I'm a stepmom in a relationship just like yours. My ss is 15, he lives with us full time. He visits his mom in the summer and for a week over Christmas break. He's a smart kid, but only does enough to get by. He admits he is lazy and has told me when he gets married and has kids, he wants to be the laziest one in the family. I told him good luck finding a wife that will put up with him being lazy. He complains about me being too strict to EVERYONE!! My MIL has even been heard to say that when he leaves for college (uh, he has to be accepted first) that he will never come back to visit us because he doesn't want to be around me. This is really funny, because when he and I are alone, he talks to me all the time, even more than he talks to his dad. I get frustrated because DH just ignores his poor grades, his laziness in not getting his chores done, etc. SS's BM and my MIL both believe him when he calls to complain about being grounded, or losing access to his cell phone or ipod, etc, due to bad grades, etc. They both tell him I'm too strict which then makes him the victim and he has no responsibility to change. I am so done with MIL!!
ohiostepmom... im in the same
ohiostepmom... im in the same boat...its friggin rediculous the way these kids behave... not to mention the other parent... they cant see the damage commign but we can a mile away... disengaging is probably the route i will try... cant be anymore frustrating and disapointing then it is now right ?
I think that we are all
I think that we are all married to the same woman
My DW goes on and on about how "intelligent" her son is, but he is just like the other kids described here. Lazy, barely graduated high school, weighs 300 pounds, no drivers license, no job, no life skills...however he just got accepted to "college," since his grandmother forced him to apply. Bet that lasts exactly two semesters, until he flunks out. But he'll sitll be "so intellgent."
yep sound like my wife except
yep sound like my wife except my ss is much worse makes fs and maybe occasional d ,just let her deal with and snicker in the background sayin i told you so under my breath,wash my hands of the whole matter, let him talk to her like a dog and i just stay gone most of the time ,waitin till she gets fed up with it and sends him to military school!!! }:)