SS Phone Usage
My stepson has been dating a girl for a few months now, about 4-6 months and he's 16. We have been having issues with him not doing homework to the best of his ability, and not doing chores until the wifi is shut off or he wants something, letting his laundry go 1-2 weeks before washing it when he's told to do it finally, etc. He stays in his room all day until he wants to go to the gym or somewhere. We just realized he's been spending HOURS everyday on his phone talking to his girlfriend. When I say HOURS, I mean between 8-14 hours PER DAY. We have already told him he needs to prioritize his time putting responsibilities here and his class work above hours on the phone.. When approached about it, he doesn't say anything and has continued to do what he wants. His girlfriend is Filipino and her father doesn't want her dating, let alone dating a white kid. He has already told his daughter that.
How much time per day is acceptable for him to be on the phone?
8-14 hours on the phone is
8-14 hours on the phone is ridiculous. What is reasonable depends on how much time it takes him to do the things he's supposed to do, like study, do chores, spend whatever time you want him to spend with the family, and get an adequate amount of sleep. Why doesn't his father take the phone away from him until he finishes his homework and does his chores? He should also take it at night when the kid is supposed to be sleeping if he's on the phone then. Talking to him about prioritizing his time obviously isn't working - he needs to do some enforcement.
Out of curiosity, is he spending all this time on the phone because he can't see her or other friends due to covid? I do have some sympathy for kids who are learning remotely and stuck at home without physical contact with their friends, and would cut some slack in that circumstance. But since you say he's going to the gym, I'm going to guess that's not his situation.
You can't really police how
You can't really police how long a 16 yr old is spending on the phone, but you can refuse to pay his phone bill (if he is on a family plan or his Dad pays it) and insist that he get a part time job to fund his expensive phone habit. How does he even have time to be on the phone that long? Doesn't he go to school?
Sure you can.
Smash his phone in the driveway. That effectively controls his time on the phone by taking it to zero.
Are you honestly asking if 8
Are you honestly asking if 8-14 hours a day on the phone is reasonable? Of course it's not - so he should not have his phone unless he's taking care of all his other responsibilities.
Also, Someone needs to talk to this boy about healthy relationships too. The are devouring each other at the expense of the rest of his life. Not normal, even at his age.
Where we live the district
Where we live the district and state have paused in person learning for 3 weeks. They are finding high school students are at the highest risk and seeing cases among high schoolers soar in the data. The studies are showing they don't wear masks or social distance so the government shut down their schools and made it remote/ virtual. This girl doesn't go to him school. He met her at his old job. He does work and go to the gym, but it's mandatory to wear masks there or entry is denied. I do think there's increased time because they can't see friends but he works with a friend and talks to friends daily in classes virtually. This girl's father has already made it clear she isn't allowed to date and has found pictures of them and told her that he will take away her car, job, etc. Yesterday it looked like she called him most of the time. When I asked how the hell he can sit on the phone for that long he says he just mutes when he needs to do something. I asked him what is the point of just sitting on the phone like that and he can't answer. To me, it's obvious that 8-14 hours in excessive and is interfering with his responsibilities. That's on top of him playing Xbox live with friends. I'm asking what others feel is reasonable as a time frame to spend on the phone daily for a teenager.
I don't think you can
I don't think you can quantify or control that, honestly - it's different for every teenager. Most kids nowadays don't talk on the phone much, they text or use snapchat or whatever the newest app is. The bigger issue is that he's not getting his chores and schoolwork done, so that's the part to enforce. It does sound like he's having trouble setting limits on this needy girl and his father should have a conversation with him about how to handle that kind of thing.
Since he hasn't shown he is
Since he hasn't shown he is able to prioritize his work/chores/phone calls.. it may be time to do that for him. It may be that his GF is the one who is needy/clingy and calling him every two minutes.. but since isn't inclined to hang up or not answer when she calls.. then his dad needs to set some limits for him.
He needs to understand that it is not healthy for him to be on call and on line with his girlfriend every waking minute. If he does that at his job.. they will likely fire him. It isn't acceptable at home when he isn't holding his end up on school or chores either. So, since he can't "not answer".. the phone will not be in his possession at home except for some special allotted time. He can have his phone for a mid morning break.. no longer than 30 minutes.. he can have it at lunch.. and another mid afternoon break. He can have his phone in the evening.. IF and AFTER his chores and schoolwork are shown to be done.. and he can have it until bedtime when his dad will keep it overnight. That is still several hours a day he could waste with this girl... but at least some time is being prioritized.
He should also get the "you know this girl's father doesn't want her to be dating.. and especially not you. While we may or may not agree with him.. he is her father and it isn't fair to her to encourage her to do something that her parents are against. "
I feel like he gets his self
I feel like he gets his self worth from whatever relationship he's in and has to be reassured at all times that she's still interested. His mother abandoned him several times when he was young and is a heroin addict and is not present as a parent. I think that plays a part in this.
In that case, I'd add therapy
In that case, I'd add therapy to the list of things that should be prioritized over phone chats with the girlfriend.
With school being virtual, we
With school being virtual, we do allow a lot more phone time and digital socialization that we wouldn't if we weren't in a pandemic. However, phones go in our room at night and don't come out until school work and chores are complete.
It is unbelievable to me that
It is unbelievable to me that this is even a discussion. Smash the phone. End of problem.
If that does not get the point across do the same with the Xbox , etc... and password protect the WiFi and don't t give him the password.