Lack of Respect for Boundaries
We are currently experiencing issues with my SS aged 14. He was caught eating an expensive jar of honey from a vacation we took from our baking cabinet. He was told not to do this again, and the baking supplies are off limits. The day before yesterday my husband found an empty jar of frosting under his bed from our baking cabinet. Additionally, he had food and wrappers and candy, pop bottles, etc. Basically any boundary that is set, he crosses it, even after being punished or told many times before.
He takes his clean clothes and shoves them under his bed or in the bottom of his closet. He takes my husband's clothes and shoes without permission, and even after being told no many times over. He has his own 10 pairs of expensive shoes and several brand name clothes. He was just given a new pair of Jordans from a family member on Sunday, yet today we find HE IS WEARING MY HUSBAND'S SHOES AGAIN WITHOUT PERMISSION.
He was told he needs to be off his cell phone at bedtime and it needs to be put up. He has to leave the house by 6:10am, which means he wakes up at 5:30am to make it to the bus on time. If he misses the bus, we have to drive during rushhour traffic out of the way an hour drive time. He has lost his phone privledges several times because he disobeys and texts until midnight or 1am, and excessively during class. He has missed the bus many times this year, about 7, and is late for school. We have woke him up, after which he lays back down in bed and falls asleep again. His alarm wakes everyone else up in the house but him at 5:30am. We are BEYOND frustrated with the lack of respect he has for others and rules. After just getting his phone back, again he was found texting again until midnight or later.
He is asked to make 2 lunches a week, and is allowed to buy 3 days a week. He has never followed this rules.
He constantly plays ignorant and victim. We are at our wits end and counting down the days until he turns 18 and gets the boot at this point.
Does anyone else experiende similar and how do you handle it?
The issue is punishment isnt correcting it.
Take the fing phone away
Take the fing phone away permanently. Get one of those prepaid with no texting service. F him. Shame him when he steals food "oh my gosh what kind of pig eats a jar of frosting. DH who would do this??? That's disgusting. OMG how gross that person is going to be a cow". If he takes something that isn't his again fucking hit him. I am done with these asshole kids. Mine needs a beating too. He told his mom we don't have food for him because I asked him not to eat baking chocolate (which as you know tastes horrible) yet he ate it all.
Wow. Dude, maybe take it down
Wow. Dude, maybe take it down a notch...
Uh no I am good thanks.
Uh no I am good thanks.
How you doing punishment
Is not effecting SS. You have to change the punishment. Like taking away cell phone. Not leaving the house. Take away video games. Only thing in his room is books to read
Yeah, no kid these days is
Yeah, no kid these days is going to stop using their phone when they are supposed to as long as they have access to it in their bedroom. We had to set the wifi router to turn off at SS's bedtime. Download the app for your wifi router and you can set parental controls. I would go one step further with your SS- there are apps that turn off the DATA at times you specify, meaning he wouldn't even be able to use it during school if that's when you set it. SS here sometimes turns his data on when the wifi shuts off, so he can still use it. Of course my SO just yells at him, but hasn't punished him yet. Hell, you could even set SS's wi-fi/data so it only works on his lunch break at school. No more texting in class! Or just take the damn phone.
Sounds like your SS needs to feel the pain. He wears DH's shoes without permission? Phone gets taken. Sneaks food out of the baking cabinet? Phone gets taken. Hit him where it hurts! And absolutely cold water dumped on him when he won't get up!
Some kids follow rules
Some kids follow rules because they are rule followers. Others follow because they don't like the consequences.
The phone is gone until he can demonstrate the ability to get out of bed and get to school on the bus for two weeks straight (don't make it too long or he will not try). When/if he does get it back, it is put in your room at night after 9/10 pm. Clothes under the bed? Stop doing his laundry, he can do it himself. If he goes to school with smelly dirty clothes on, oh well.
Call the school and ask them to give him tardies and whatever consequences they get for those.
Lock your bedroom door and the baking cabinet.
Buys lunch every day? No money in his lunch account. If he wants to spend his own earned money, fine, or he can go hungry. Or pack a lunch.
Have your dog take the phone
Have your dh take the phone away for good. Ss knows the rule. He doesn’t follow it because there are no consequences.
Remind ss once (you’ve already done this) and then start taking things away. You’ve already told him once not to crumple his clothes under the bed? Those clothes now live in a bag in your closet until he earns them back by not doing that anymore. He clearly does not value those clothes.
Put a lock on your closet. Put a key lock on your bedroom door. Put a lock on the baking goods cabinet.
This is all pretty normal teenage stuff.
We have done all of the
We have done all of the suggestions mentioned before. All of his things were even bagged up and boxed up, with the exception of a bed, bible, books and some clothing, for a month. Phone has been taken away for long periods as well as tv and xbox. As soon as he gets them back he repeats the same behaviors. Nothing is learned.
Mousetraps in drawers ...
Mousetraps in drawers ...
Then I guess he never gets
Then I guess he never gets them back next time.
Then you take the phone again
Then you take the phone again and start over. He knows he's able to get DH to give up, so he's just good until he gets his stuff back.
DH doesn't get to just throw his hands up and wait until he's 18, that's BS. YOU can do that, but DH is the parent. Find a therapist who can help DH with effective parenting.
You set the wife router to
You set the wife router to shut off his phone at a certain time, or got an app that shuts off the data?......
Take it all away and give it
Take it all away and give it back one piece at a time - and I DO mean one piece at a time. One hoodie, one video game, one power cord, one shoe. He does sometging stupid and it ALL gets taken again. Leave the things he ACTUALLY wants, like cell phone and game system, for last.
Lock your baking cabinet.
Lock your bedroom door.
Take him to school in the morning and leave him there for a few hours. Or hire a hard-arse babysitter that will make him get on the bus.
Work with the school to fully punish him for being late.
Work with the school to lock his food account so that he can't get anything more than PBJ if he doesn't have cash that day.
Take him somewhere to do volunteer work.
If he continues, donate or throw away his stuff in front of him. Make him see that being too obstinent will make everything go away permanently.
You'll either make his life miserable enough that he'll comply, or you'll have enough boundaries in place that he doesn't impact your life nearly as much.
Take all the food and put it
Take all the food and put it where he cannot have it. He can eat when provided food, period. No phone anymore, ever, as in until he can afford his own he won't have one. Enough with this "but he throws a fit". Let him throw a rage fit in his room, lock him in if you have to. Stop allowing this bullshit.
Failure to adhere to
Failure to adhere to boundaries should be met with escalating age appropriate consequences that delivers an increasingly unpleasant state of abject misery until the balance of misery to behavior drives home the message and the kid complies with the boundaries. In the case you describe... locks solve the baked goods issue as well as the stealing of dad's clothes issue.
When he refuses to wear his own clothes, strip his room, take all of his clothes except two sets of uncerclothes and two sets of Goodwill coveralls. He will quickly learn to appreciate his own clothing.
Toss his phone in the toilet then the garbage and he will learn that to not follow the rules results in the loss of pleasantness in his life.
Abject misery works.
Good luck.