Hi All:

Just to quickly sum up: I've got SD (18) and SS (20) and DD (8) with my DH. We've been married for 10 years, together for about 16. Actually, I have no idea where to begin, mainly because there's been just so much crap going on for so long I'm just exhausted even thinking about trying to put it all down. I get along very well with the skids. Skids lived with BM, where they were pretty unsupervised - SS assaulted SD in BM's living room when they were both too young for anything worse than counsellng to happen. Both have tried to kill BM - and each other - with knives. SD began cutting when she was sent to "theater" camp one summer and ended being in psych wards - including one 1000 miles away - on and off for a few years. In the meantime, I'm working full time and caring for DD and the skids whenever they land on our doorstep - sometimes without warning for weeks at a time! Clearly in over her head, BM refused to give up primary custody and the stinking state we live in backed her up (despite a history of documented suicide attempts during and pre-dating the marriage to DH). So, we did the best we could. SD has always been a time-bomb. I used to say that she didn't come on vacation with us - she took us hostage. The details are way too much and though you don't know me, please believe me when I tell you that more than one loving friend suggested I bail on my otherwise wonderful marriage and head for the hills with DD and the dog under my arms.

Anyway, out of the blue BM announces that she is marrying (what's wrong with THAT guy?) and moving 5 states away, and the skids are going too. Well, the courts finally wised up and wouldn't let the skids leave the state, so skids moved in with us. BM hasn't cared for them since (though she still gets support - long story). SS went off to private college, where he managed to finally get thrown out for failing, literally 5 semesters. BM says, "Well, that was quite a learning experience!" Well, yeah, it was. To the tune of nearly $100,000 of DH and my money. So now he is at our home, being tragic and accomplishing nothing except eating us out of house and home and hanging with his do-nothing friends. SD has actually been doing quite well with us - she's getting good grades, and I am, truly, proud of her. She's lost weight and stopped cutting, too huge accomplishments. She's off in the fall to an elite private college to study musical theater, which we will pay for.

My problem, today, is that I am sick and tired of the nastiness, the pettiness, the hatefulness and the general weirdness these two skids have forced upon DD. We still cannot go anywhere as a family because there is always some stinking huge blow up about who-knows-what. SD makes everything - even her little sister's success at an athletic competition - about SD. If she can't turn the situation to something good about SD, SD will turn it into some bad about DD. She teaches DD filthy words - I mean truly FILTHY words. SD calls DD, "the thing," as in "You gave me up and replaced me with that THING!" within earshot of DD. DD is confused and hurt by this - which has been going on since the day I brought DD home from the hospital. Worse, though, is that DD is adopting some of these mean and nasty behaviors, probably out of self-defense. No! I admit I do curb DD more than SD mainly because SD is so evil when she is angry and so scary that I just don't want to get her too upset. I'm sure DD feels the inequality of my behavior. I'm with the skids and DD more than DH, who travels. All I want to do is stop dealing with Skids at all and concentrate on my DD.

How do I reduce their influence? How do I protect my DD? How to I keep on doing a good job mothering these two very demanding and difficult skids, without subjecting DD to obscene and violent situations?

I could see if skids were ever neglected by DH or me - they haven't been! DH has spent so much time loving them and holding them and assuring them that they are special, loved and very, very important. I've done nearly as much to assure them that they are wanted (though, I admit, sometimes I don't mean it) and loved. We encourage, we support, we stand behind them to catch them when they make mistakes. Yet, they are hostile, angry and bitterly resentful about everything. They way the talk to their father is criminal. Very quietly, I make sure DD's bathroom door - she shares bathroom with SD - is locked on her side at night. Just for my peace of mind.

I'm so, so tired of this job. I just want to love my DD, my DH and my dog and enjoy a peaceful family life. This load is too heavy and I'm so tired of it. I thought when SS went to college we'd be shut of him in four years and here he is, living in our house. Who knows when he'll be gone. SD is freaking out because she doesn't want to share a dorm shower - she's a huge slob, so that is probably why; it cannot be from modesty as she lets it all hang out, all of the time - so I'm wondering if she'll be home in a semester or two, as well.

Interesting thing, though. As "horrible" and "bad" as it is at our house, neither skid has ever, EVER wanted to leave and live with BM. Perhaps that is where all the anger comes from: they hate their mom and feel horrible about it (though if you met her you'd hate her too) and need to redirect that hatred onto things that are OK to hate - me, DD and our home.

Just venting, not really hoping for solutions. However, would probably trade a kidney for a real solution.

xoxo to all.