SD8 ignored DD3 when we saw her in public
A few weeks ago I went shopping with DD3 in the city that we live near. As we were walking down the main corridor of the mall, I spotted SD8 and BM walking towards us. I've never met BM or been around her, but I've seen pictures of her. I could tell that SD had seen us as well, and she leaned in to BM to say something while looking at us. I'm assuming she was telling BM that she saw me and DD.
DD got really excited and ran over to SD, shouting "SD! Hi SD!"
SD didn't say a word to DD. Instead, she and BM side-stepped around DD and just kept walking. I had stopped at this point and I was prepared to at least say hi to SD before telling DD that we needed to keep going, so as to avoid any kind of awkwardness with BM.
DD was pretty confused by the whole thing. She absolutely loves SD so to be completely ignored like that caused her to ask all kinds of questions.
I told my husband about it when we got home and he basically just defended SD and said that it's not her fault, etc. He didn't ask her about it the next time she came.
So I guess I'm wondering if others have experienced this kind of thing before. Would you have expected your skids to acknowledge their half-siblings if you ran into them in public? Or would you think it's fine that because they're with BM you can't expect certain behavior?
I think it was pretty shitty that SD ignored DD, especially given that they generally have a good relationship. I wanted my husband to at least ask SD about it and tell her that she hurt DD's feelings that day. I wondered if maybe BM told her not to say hi, in which case my husband should have told SD it's not okay to ignore your family members when you see them in public, regardless of the circumstances.
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That was appalling and you DH
That was appalling and you DH should call your SD out. I don't care if the BM is high conflict, some things are just plain wrong and he is doing his daughter a disservice by not teaching her this. She should not be pandering to the BM's tantrums.
I don't know which is worse,
I don't know which is worse, being ignored like you or what happens in my situation. We have a high conflict alienator BM and she makes false accusations of abuse and we are constantly in court, but if she runs into us or any other family members, she acts like little miss innocent and is all "SS, give so and so a hug! How are all of you?!" Uh, struggling through all your crap you dumb bitch. Lol. DH should have definitely called out SD. I understand she might have been being manipulated or influenced by BM, but a simple hello wouldn't have hurt anybody and I doubt BM would have beat SD for doing so. Plus, teaching kids manners isn't a bad thing. Your sister says hello, you say hello back!
I view it as shitty -
I view it as shitty - especially with DD being so young. She has no comprehension of adult dynamics and problems and this is what's going on here. BM didn't want SD to acknowledge her and/or wanted to avoid you.
Yes, I would totally expect this from DHs ex and it's one of the many reasons I'm glad to live thousands of miles away from her. SK on the other hand, she would have waved hi, all smiles at my DD and DS in the midst of BM dragging her into the nearest store to escape us.
Hopefully your DH will come around and explain to SD, on an age appropriate level, what happened and be open to discussing her feelings. He doesn't need to probe for info at all. It sounds like BM is in full control of the situation. That is, if DD and SD have a bond at your house...
Sorry but that's
Sorry but that's horrible.
You know damn well that if SD came running up to you and you and DD ignored her there'd be h*ll to pay.
THIS EXDFs youngest two
THIS
EXDFs youngest two daughters (11 and 9) were crazy about me. They would talk my ears off when they were with us and always wanted to do whatever I was doing. Whenever they were with their mom and saw me, (on the bus, subway, in a store, walking down the street...), they would not say one word. That was because early on mom would hit them if they spoke to me when their dad wasn't around.
I never made a big deal about it and told ex not say anything to them about it. I felt it was wrong for him to get on them for doing what kids are taught to do~LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS.
That's a valid point.
That's a valid point.
Thanks for the responses
Thanks for the responses everyone. I'm sure that BM had an influence on SD's reaction to us that day. Hopefully this kind of thing won't happen in the future. We live 1.5 hours away from BM so it was a rare occurrence to run into her.
Hate to admit it but I've had
Hate to admit it but I've had my skids do it 100's of times, not only to me and my bios but even DH!
If my skids are with BM, evendors at a school function they will COMPLETELY IGNORE their father is pure fear of upsetting BM.
DH has talked with them, but they still continue to avoid our family in public if they are with BM.
It's manipulation and abuse from BM that keeps them living in fear, and it's been almost 10 years since the divorce.
Wow. That's definitely
Wow. That's definitely abusive and manipulative. I suppose that's what could be happening with SD and BM in my case too. It's really too bad for the skids when BMs do this.
I deal with this all the time
I deal with this all the time on multiple fronts. We live in the same neighborhood as BM and her mother. DH completely ignores BM, ex-MIL, and BM's boyfriend the one time he saw him. I've seen BM's boyfriend a lot more, he completely ignores me and my bios. BM's mother is pleasant with my bios, she ignores DH and I. BM is outwardly cordial to everyone and so am I. When my younger SS is on BM's time he hardly ever comes outside but when he does I don't think he'd play with my bios for $100. Tells my daughter, "you can't be on my mom's driveway bc you don't live here." For the record my DD isn't down the street just to bug him, she has a friend from school who lives next door to BM who she always plays with and multiple kids play on that part of the street. I don't tolerate SS ignoring me although he will try. I have no problems stooping down to his level, looking right in his eyes and saying, "I said hello, SS, I know you are not ignoring me." I actually wish DH would not be so surly and standoffish to BM and her relatives bc he's setting a bad example for SS.
I wonder if when SD is there,
I wonder if when SD is there, you, she and DD could come up with a secret signal?
Tell SD that you understand she can't say hi in public but maybe she could tug on her ear, (like Carol Burnett, I'm dating myself I know) then the two of them can have a secret sister signal.
Don't outright tell SD not to tell BM but get the idea across that it's just something for the two of them.
I have dealt with this
I have dealt with this situation as well. My ex refused to let our small daughters speak to any of my family when they/we would see them out and about. While it made us feel horrible it also made the girls feel bad as well. In our case my daughters would be punished if they do much as smiled at me or my family. In situations like that confronting the child about the snub will only make the child feel even worse.
For awhile we would use secret signals. A wink, scratching our ear, a ything that let us communicate without their dad I owing what we were doing. After awhile the girls were able to deal with the situation, we understood it was not their choice and we were all able to move on.
It has since worked against my ex as our daughters haven't seen or spoken to him in 3 years because of a restraining order that is against him because of abuse. Needless to say they are happier, safer and able to speak to who they want to.
Yes, you are not alone. Once
Yes, you are not alone. Once I was grocery shopping and saw SD15 there shopping alone (mom was waiting for her in the parking lot). I saw her and smiled... she walked RIGHT BY ME. I was floored.
When I got home, I told DH about it. His response? "She probably didn't see you". lol