Should i stay or should i go...
Hi All, I've been dating a beautiful lady with 3 kids. I do love her and did see a future with her. Her older 2 kids are good, but i'm having so much trouble liking the youngest. He's 15 and a little shit, constantly disrespects her, won't listen or do as he's told, lies, takes drugs, hangs out with the wrong crowd and is just a nightmare. Once he's been caught he promises his mum that he won't take drugs again, only to go and do the exact same shit. She can't have any meds or alcohol in the house as he will take them. The fridge and pantry are empty because he has no self control and she doesn't correct the behavior. He will just take food or drink out and leave it wherever and she just cleans it up and doesn't make him do it. She always says that she can't make him do anything and can't stop him from doing anything.
My kids were brought up to clean up after themselves and they have self control and manners. My kids have also said on many occasions they also do not like him and they don't want to do anything together as a blended family and i can honestly see why.
We have spoken about moving in together in the future but i just can't bring myself or my kids into this. I can only see it getting worse as he gets older and he'll be out of control. His bio father is not in the picture and hasn't been since he was 2.
What do i do......
Definately do not stay. As
Definately do not stay. As for what you should do if you do stay, Hmmmmmm.
Have some fun.
I would find either your old Rx bottle of codein cough syrup or DW's and put Ipecac syrup in them then wait for the fireworks to start of SS with his head in a toilet watching his toes fly out of his mouth after he thinks he is going to get high on stolen Rx meds. Make it only a an age appropriate standard dose in the bottle so as not to jeopardize the SKids core health. After he hacks up his feet, give him Pediasure to rehydrate and rebalance his electrolytes. After that, he very well may never again take drugs without a significant physical and psychological revulsive action.
I am not serious of course. I don't think that Ipecac is even manufactured any longer.
But oh the idea of a kid like this having a truly karmic outcome for their idiocy.
I would be realistic here.
I would be realistic here. Her kid is an addict with probably some other mental issues going on. and/or just a "bad seed".. it can happen.. even if parents and environment is "good" What kind of help has she sought for her son.. and is dad involved and trying to help the kid too?
Stay or go would depend on how much the parents are involved and concerned about helping their child.
But any decision on actually moving in and blending households absolutely should not occur while this kid is at home. Your primary responsibility to your minor children is to provide them a safe and loving home. You can't do that with her loose cannon addict of a kid. So you don't put your happiness in front of their safety and security.
Would the boy benefit from some military school? would she and her EX see that happening? Has she been intherapy? has he been sent to rehab?
Look.. at 15 his issues are problematic.. but they can quickly become devastatingly dangerous to himself and people around him.. if she can't or won't address any of this.. I would move on.. life is too short.
He does have a lot of mental
He does have a lot of mental issues and is currently in therapy. His Mum is trying to do her best and get him the help he needs. Has the therapy helped, his Mum thinks so but i don't. He hasn't changed in the last 6 months, if anything, a little worse. He's very sneaky and lies and will tell them what they want to hear (he does this to his Mum to, and she falls for it). His Dad is not involved and hasn't been since he was about 2. There is no contact as the Dad turned into a drug addict. He's been raised by his Mum only.
I really love this woman and wanted to make it work. But her son will always be in the picture one way or another. I can see this will cause major issues down the road if he continues going down his current path.
My DH has a cousin with a son
My DH has a cousin with a son who sounds very much like your potential SS. He was in petty trouble as a teen.. and mom and grandma constantly bailed him out.. paid for legal help..
and mom was also the cool mom.. she let him do what he wanted in her home.. shoot.. he was living at home as an adult and a friend of his actually DIED on her couch from doing H.
This kid is now in his early thirties.. and has been incarcerated.. or getting ready to go to trial for just about all of his adult life.. currently his release date is sometime in the early 2030's...
But.. I know for a fact that tons of money has been spent trying to save this kid.. his mom has "narcan'ed" him several times..
I just would have a hard time advising you to make things more permanent until you see what direction this kid goes.
Because it can be a serious financial and emotional.. even a safety strain.
I think because she has
I think because she has brought him up this way he has no respect for her at all. Basically does whatever he wants whenever he wants. She has spent so much money already on therapy and medications but it's getting nowhere with him. And i definitely don't need the burden of this kid in my life. I can see him as an adult being fully dependant on his Mum and that is something i can't take.
I can't make things permanant but i also don't want to waste my life with her and waiting and hoping her son will turn out ok and he doesn't.
The kid is 15 and his parents
Have no control over him now. The kid is not stupid, he knows he can steal,do drugs have a girl friend move in and his mother will do nothing. But complain. This whole kid thing must be settle before entertaining moving in with your kids. Do you really think military school wants a drug attic who lies and steals in there school : No. the school doesn't want to play jail. GF better start saving her $. Lawyers cost list of money. Criminal attorneys get $3,000 to $4,000 to start.
'That's another thing. If you move in you will be paying for the things he steals for drug money. Lawers fees money for restitution, to people he robbed. and with out a BF. who going to pat the $80,000 a year for military school ?
'wake up. Get out with your life
Exactly what i'm worried
Exactly what i'm worried about. She has no control now, i could only imagine whats to come as he gets older. He's not stupid in that way and definitely does play his mother. He has a girlfriend who's just as bad, if not worse than him. She lets them have sleep overs and says that she'd rather them be at her place doing what their doing. And yes, she complains but lets the behavior continue.
As a mom of three, what I
As a mom of three, what I would do with a child (of my own) like this is:
Call my bluff. I have a DS28 with Autism. When he was around 15, he kept threatening to harm others and or unalive himself. After a few of these incidents, I told the school to call the police if he ever threatens someone. They were to treat him exactly like a neurotypical child. Then, I warned him if EVER said he was going to unalive himself, I would take it very seriously and he would go straight to the hospital.
All it took was ONE TIME for him to do it. I took off work and was waiting for him when the bus dropped him off. I took him to the ER where he was poked, prodded, examined and interviewed for FOUR hours. I asked him if he was having fun. He cried and said, "No." I said, "Good. Everytime you say you're going to kill yourself, this is what we'll do." He never said it again.
This kid may be a nightmare for life - it's hard to say.
But he's never going to get better until mommy grows some balls and sets some boundaries. If she doesn't "get him in trouble" with the authorities NOW, there's a good chance once he's an adult, he'll end up in the system or worse.
If you really love her, tell her you can't live with her. If you can't deal with this kid, tell her that, as things are, you cannot continue this relationship because you can foresee a lifetime of problems with her younger son that will severly impact your peace and interfere with blending families.
Me personally, i would
Me personally, i would definitely remove all his privileges and give him a good kick in the ass. His Mum on the other hand won't. She's already said that if she does anything he will just walk out of the house again and she can't stop him. He's done it a few times already and has gone to hang out with other losers who are doing the same thing. Won't answer his phone, so she has to drive around until she finds him, then sweet talks him into getting into the car and coming back home.
I can see him being a big nightmare for life. I don't want to waste my life waiting and hoping he will turn out fine, only for him not to and me having wasted a lot of years with the wrong person due to her son.
I will take your advice (from your last paragraph) and tell her exactly the way i feel about the situation. It's going to be sad but i think it's the only right thing to do for me and my kids.
He's 15. She doesn't have to
He's 15. She doesn't have to drive around looking for him. What she should do is call the cops and report him as a runaway. Let them drag him back.
It’s just it doesn’t get better
She already gave him control. He does what he wants. GF can have sex with him because it's safer then the streets. Does GF supply the lub. You know GF going to get PG because she loves him. And move in so you can pay the bills and babysit. Your life is going to be supporting your GF her DS ..DS Gf. There kids. And yesmam is one word
My SS started self-medicating
My SS started self-medicating somewhere in his teens. DH was the last to figure it out. They did a co-dependent dance for a number of years. Stupidly, I still married DH. SS was high for our wedding. Real nice.
Anyway, DH would bail him out time and time again. Always some sob story. DH ran out of his own money so started to borrow mine, and not pay me back. He was shocked that I expected him to. He was even more shocked when I wouldn't loan him any more.
Somehow DH and I survived all that. I had to set clear boundaries (financial, emotional, physical). And I was willing and able to leave the marriage if he stomped on the boundaries. That was key--DH knew I wasn't playing.
You have to figure out what you can and can't live with. Be clear about it. If it means the end of that relationship, it's tough, but if YOU don't change something, no one else will.
Better still
Leave. You are just dating, you can't have that much invested in the relationship. Cut , lose some money and run. This !5 yo isn't going to get better. There will not be that magically day where SS said I see the light and alls well. Your setting yourself up for pain. What you don't need. This kid has mental problems and he's the only one who can try to fix it.
'the problem with drugs, is it stops them frim functioning sexually, so it's better to not take drugs and have a Gf. Or take drugs and can't even play with yourself. No drugs win.
So, i had a talk to my GF
So, i had a talk to my GF yesterday about her son, what hes been doing and what will happen if he continues down this path and our future together. She basically got so angry at me for even asking the what iffs and said she hoped one of my kids went though it so i could see what she's going through with him. I was so angry that she wished that on my kids and i let her know it. Wishing bad stuff on anyone is a no no, especially to your partner and his kids! (It's not the first time i've said something to her about her wishing bad stuff on others). Honestly she is a great woman and wants everything i do, but I think i'm wasting my time with this woman, as i can't see anything long term, like moving in together, combining families, etc. all due to her son
I can see that GF Thinks life is picking on her
Other people have happy family's going happy things, a she is stuck with her DS. In reality there's little she can do with DS. Some hospital may take him for a 30 day program. Then 1/2 way houses. But eventually he will be back with her. The government and health companies don't let you gee rid of your kid and problems. GF knows this kid if distroying her relationship with you and anybody in the future. And she is STUCK. Stuck in the merrygoround of life,
My SD keep running away. She would not live at home. That's why my marriage survived. It's was only good medical insurance and a few $ now and again. Because giving her money was just a way to buy drugs and booze. and no one wants to do that. She was in the hospital once. I gave her like $5 incase she need something personal, candy. Gift shop, NO. She got dressed walked to 7-11 and bought beer. That how bad it was how dysfunctional it was