Am i doing the right thing....
I've been with my GF for 16 months and we've had our up's and downs but i honestly think i'm wasting my time. She wants to move in together but i definitly do not. I have my own home with my kids, who have been brought up with rules and respect. She is renting and wants to move in to my place and just help "pay bills". I do think that she needs to come up with some money if she wants to go 50/50 in my house. (I nearly lost my house to an ex wife and am in no position to put myself in that situation again).
Her son, has no self control or care for anything, lack of guidance, no accountability and generally a lazy ass who does nothing and expects everything. And she does everything for him. He can't even put his dishes in the sink and just leaves them on the counter top.
Am i wrong to think this way?
you are not wrong
I dont have my own kids but my wifes kids are the same way as hers. They just sit around the house all day every day and barely do anything to help but have no problem asking for more. I thought this would get better as they aged but it doesnt. They cause constant friction in our marriage. We bought a house we cant afford together (her idea) and now I feel stuck. I would walk away now if that is how her kid is. It will never change.
This is exactly what i'm
This is exactly what i'm afraid of. I was thinking that with a bit of time and maybe some maturity that he might change, but i honestly don't think that will happen. And i definitely don't want to be stuck.
No, you're not wrong to think
No, you're not wrong to think that way, and actually, you may need to rethink whether you want to be in this relationship at all. Your GF obviously has an agenda ie to move in with you - this will benefit her financially but you definitely don't want to share living space with her son! I just read your previous post and he sounds a nightmare. If you "honestly think you're wasting your time" then I would suggest you end it with her and she can try to find someone who will tolerate her feral offspring!
Not wrong at all.
Be direct with her.
"I cannot disrupt the lives of my children by exposing them to the behaviors of your son."
Whether or not she comes up with money, her failed parenting makes she and her child less than desirable residents in your home and a less than desirable presence in your life and the lives of your children.
Keep it simple.
End it now before you risk destroying your home, your life, and the lives of your children.
Thank you for your comment in
Thank you for your comment in bold. That is a great way to put it and exactly right. Her son (is 15) and would definitely put major tension in my home. My older (Adult kids) have already said they don't particurlarly like him and he's just trouble.
No, you are not wrong. I
No, you are not wrong. I think you've answered your own question(s).
I too think you answer
You own question. How long do you think your kids will take to figure it out. That GF kid I'd getting away with it and they are not. You don't like GF kid now. And you are not with her 24/7/365. If you do let her move in you should see a lawer first. Get something drawn up and sign by both. Spelling out. GF has no rights to your house. GF will pay X,Y, Z Per month. 1/2 of mortgage, 1.2 of utilities. Ect
Well what a good deal for her
Well what a good deal for her. But terrible for you and your kids. Big fat no.
Seriously, protect your kids. Sounds like you have standards and expectations, with end result of healthy, contributing adults. If you introduce laziness and entitlement, that will just bring chaos and resentment.
Im all for putting the committed adult relationship first, but you have a responsibility to your kids to provide a stable household and set an example for a healthy relationship.
I do have high standards and
I do have high standards and expectations from my kids and they know it and they respect that. It's just the way our home is ran. Her son doesn't lift a finger at home and doesn't even do any chores. It's a struggle to have him clean his own room once in a while.
Help with Bills?
So she wants to inflict that selfish, dangerous ingrate on you for a few hundred dollars recompense? Not anything towards mortgage (assuming you have one) nor prop taxes/insurance/upkeep?
Eff that.
I remain on the message of
I remain on the message of "end it now". However, if you choose to inject them into your home and family make sure it is not a cake walk for GF. Make it clear that she pays half of the mortgage in rent, half of the housing related bills, and ..... does half of the housekeeping.
If she agrees to that, you may have an indicator that she is in on the relationship and not just looking for a cheap housing option for her and her ill behaved spawn.
Not just half…
Also ensures her son cleans up after himself, or she cleans up after him. A few hundred dollars a month aren't worth the stress they will inflict on you and your children.
I'd also be suspicious about a woman essentiallly proposing to you without an actual marriage. It's not that hard for women to get interest, we don't really have to be outstanding in anything (please feel free to disagree with me, but it's been my observation of several decades, lol). So if she's in this position - what's wrong with her? What's there that other men sniffed out and you're not detecting? Looks like she's a user. Be careful. If your ex was like that, there's a chance you've gone again for what's familiar, even if not on the surface.
Similarly with my boyfriend - he's conventionally handsome, attentive, great conversationalist, dresses well, sporty and has a really well respected job in a traditional area. Since his leech of a wife died, he spent several years single. Why? Because he's got kids from hell, that are partly a genetic failure due to EVERY SINGLE PERSON in his late wive's family having a genetic physical or mental disorder, or both. And his kids' reputation preceded him, or would be easily available through the grapevine to any woman who might become interested in him (sadly for me, we met by chance and I had no access to the said grapevine). Also, because he pandered to them for too long and now, while medicated and with improvement in behaviour, they have no basic skills to live in a house with others. They live like pigs, eat only frozen rubbish from bags and only wear dirty and ripped sportswear. They're teens/tweens. Mind you, they're academically and sports-wise gifted.
So inspired by this forum and partly due to my partner's reasonable insight that our relationship wouldn't survive, we live minutes from each other, but not together, I don't go on holidays with them - he ensures to put a couple of weeks aside for us alone and it'll be this way until the spawn moves out or shapes up.
She has said she will pay
She has said she will pay half of the bills also, but her housekeeping and mine are not equal at all. I'm very OCD and like to keep things clean and tidy and everything has its place. Her son leaves shit all over the kitchen bench and can't even clean up after himself. She will go around after him and clean up whatever he leaves around.
Don’t put pathologize your good qualities.
You're not OCD, you've been brought up with (or consciously chose) some good values. Give yourself some credit for self-discipline and keeping a home that's welcoming and delightful to visit.
She wants to move in together
She wants to move in together but i definitly do not.
Stick to your guns and never go against your gut instinct.
THIS 100%!
Hereiam is on-point, and so is OP's gut.
They don't change, they get comfy and if anything, get worse. Your home is your sanctuary and you, and your well-raised kids, would be miserable if GF & son moved in.
Even if you didn't have kids & they moved in, it would be a nightmare. Being disrespected in your own home is a special kind of SUCK you definitely don't want to experience.
On a related note, don't fall for any "We're being forced to move out and have nowhere else to go!" crisis drama. She's a grown woman, and you are not responsible for housing her or her son. This warning comes from my personal experince - I was so concerned about my now-xH being homeless after his sob-story about being 2 months behind on rent plus 2 months behind on child support, that I walked right into what became a nightmare.
Stay strong, don't get suckered into it!
Rescue projects rarely work out.
I was so concerned about my now-xH being homeless after his sob-story about being 2 months behind on rent plus 2 months behind on child support, that I walked right into what became a nightmare.
I had my fair share of them during my dating years. Luckily, I gained clarity before I tied my star to one of them.
It may sound that marrying a 18yo teen mom college student was a rescue project. That was not the case. If anything it was me who was the rescue project. We have built a wonderful life together.
Someone who is not self supporting is far more likely to not be a true partner than someone who is fully supporting themselves. My DW was working 3 PT jobs, was a full time student, and a full time mom. She still boggles my mind with her do it all well all of the time abilities. She never needed my income. We wanted to make a life together.
That's exactly what i'm
That's exactly what i'm afraid of, them getting comfy and it all going to shit. And i won't tolerate being disrespected in my own home, which i can see them saying "it's our home too" if i bring issues up regarding them or what their doing.
Yep
Yep, they're already very comfortable living the way they live, and no chance either of their personal "To-do Lists" have a "Suddenly become clean, orderly, and respectful" task.
OP, I hope you are doing well and at peace with your knowledge that letting them move in is not the right move. Glad you're posting on StepTalk so that those of us who've "Been There, Done That" can validate that your gut instinct is correct.
I do know it's the right move
I do know it's the right move to not let them in and i will not be doing that. I think after reading so many comments from people who have experienced the same thing and have shared their views, i know that this relationship will need to be ended.
I HEAR YOU
I am a divorced dad of 2 girls. I've been living in my own home for about 3 years. I clawed back to owning my own house, becoming debt-free, and having my girls every other week, if not more. I've had two relationships, and ended them both, because of things you are bringing up. You've got to feel it in your BONES that you want to be with this woman. You have to be ok helping to raise her children if they live in your household. Set your boundaries that you're comfortable with and stick to them. I'm 46 and I let irrational "i'll never meet anyone else" thoughts permeate my mind. That's simply not true. Find a woman who meets your needs financially as well as emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually. Trust your gut.
Very wise.
Though it is important that we meet their needs as well. Most important is that they and we put each other and the marriage above all else including kids. Regardles of whose kids they are.
Kids are the top marital responsibility. They are not the top priority. Ever. The marriage and partners trump the kids, always. The Xs are never a priority over the marriage, the partners, or the kids. Equity life partners are also equity parents to any children in the mix.
IMHO of course.
"Though it is important that
"Though it is important that we meet their needs as well." True. After being "burned", it's easy to get hung up on your own needs. But it's a 2-way street. You don't want to go from abused to abuser (financial or emotional), perpetuating the cycle.
I agree to a point.. where
I agree to a point.. where that line might get blurred is when the "partner" selected is a poor choice because they are working against your child's best interests..
(like the woman who comes bringing drama and upheaval into your home via HER feral kid(s))
(like a partner that actively tries to exclude your kids from your home/life.. even when your kids are not particularly terrible issues.. )
(and certainly a partner that is outright abusive to your children.. is NOT a priority imho)..
Because your responsibility to your children does trump your "desire" to be in a relationship if those things become incompatible...
I was definitely feeling it
I was definitely feeling it in my bones and i could see a great future with her but after a year and seeing how her son is, it's definitely turned me off the idea. She was everything i was looking for in a partner but her son has definitely made me think twice.
I'm just finding it pretty hard to end it and i do have those irrational thoughts of "I'll never meet anyone else".
How did you push past those thoughts?
You push past those thoughts
You push past those thoughts by living your best life. When you live well, it is a beacon for quality people to engage with you. One of those, will the THE one.
I suppose I am fortunate that I focus on the now and tomorrow and not the pain of the past. A big part of that is a model I have formulated over my life.
The Rags 3 Day Rule. Breakups hurt. But they only hurt the worst for about 3 days. Each day after that it hurts just a bit less until eventually it is little more than an occassional distasteful memory. The challenge is that if you re-engage, at all, you reset back to the beginning and have to go through it all over again. No re-engaging. End it, and move on.
You owe it to yourself. You owe it to her as well. This won't work, so don't waste your time or hers.
Invest in you, give the 3 Day Rule a chance and focus on living your best life.
Win-Win
I had the same "I'll never meet anyone else" fears when I was getting up the nerve to file for divorce = totally understand you there. My now xH even floated that very phrase at me while imploring me to not divorce him.
However, if I stayed in that failed marriage, I FOR SURE would never meet anyone else! (I'm not a cheater)
So the other option was to divorce, and it's a win-win situation, because either:
One thing that helped me was a saying I'd heard: "There's 10 inches and a million miles between the heart and the brain." Meaning, my brain knew long before my heart knew that the relationship didn't work.
So tough. My heart finally caught up to my brain, and I was at peace with ending it. Took three years to get there. I knew that the longer I stayed, the harder it would be to go. I also didn't like living with someone I couldn't trust; someone who was using me; someone who is selfish.
I got divorced 1 year prior
I got divorced 1 year prior to meeting my current GF. That was after being married for over 20 years. Perhaps i tried to move on too soon without completely healing. I know i was definitely lonely and missing some connection.
I do like the way you have put it above where My brain: Cannot live like this! and My heart: But I love this person! That is exactly how i am feeling and it's a hard spot to be in and to try and get out of.
Maybe that’s your “step up” relationship.
Sounds like you really love her, but her son is as massive dealbreaker. Maybe I'd view it as an untreated addiction - there are lots of wonderful people, but while they have an active addiction, they won't be ready to date, as it is (and should be) a dealbreaker for any healthy person.
You're not the bad guy here, you're simply refusing to enable a detrimental habit. Sometimes people need to experience the loss of all important relationships in order to start shaping up.
If you feel like it, you can tell her that if she manages to get her son under control, and you're still available, you two can think of dating again. But that there's no guarantee you'll be available and you won't be waiting around. She needs to get her son under control for her and his sake regardless.
Regarding relationships and fear of staying single, there's a good podcast called Deeper Dating, which is run by a psychotherapist Ken Page. I only recommend listening from the beginning for it to make sense.
I get it. For me it was just
I get it. For me it was just about pure stubbornness. I was not from a divorced family background and I wasn't going to divorce. Fortunatley, my serially adulterous XW had no qualms about either cheating or divorcing so she gave the the greatest gift possible. She left and filed.
The problem with the heart is that it is the core of life's wonder but it is not an analytical tool. Decisions can't be made with it. If they are, the decisions are nearly invariably bad.
I was fortunate. My brain told me it was unsustainable before the day of the wedding was over. So when my XW informed me she wanted a divorce my response was two words. "Go file." Of course that is when her tears started and she went into "You are not going to fight for me!" mode.
By then I was done fighting. I was the only one fighting for the marriage the whole time. I was all in, she was not in at all.
Many who go into "Don't leeeeeeeaaaaaveee meeeeeee!" mode when they have been fundamentally absent in the relationship from nearly the beginning are incapable of recognizing that they were never in the marriage at any notable level.
I am happy that you are living well. I am sorry for your heartache.
Take care of you.
I think that you have more
I think that you have more than one problem here.. I know her son is a disruptive influence... and on that basis alone I would draw a line in the sand at cohabitating until he A was moved out and on his own.. or B made some miraculous turn around for meaningful change and for a measurable amount of time (hint.. B is quite unlikely).
But, SHE is also kind of showing you the kind of person she is. She wants to mooch off of you. What do you want to bet her "helping with bills" will still result in you paying MORE because your costs will go up for food, utilities etc.. Honestly, her initial perspective shows that she is NOT partner material.. she is NOT looking at this as a way to make both of your lives better.. she is looking for a way to keep more money in her pocket for her needs.
And for the pleasure of some meager "help with bills".. you and your kids will have to deal with two extra people in the home.. her son, who is obviously a problem.. but even HER coming in and wanting to disrupt the order of the home. Also, what room is available for her son? will it mean your kids have to double up or share? It's a recipe for disaster and resentment for your kids... and as a father, your primary RESPONSIBILITY/OBLIGATION is to provide the children you made a safe and emotionally stable home.
That doesn't mean that you don't have the right to have a relationship and that your new partner (whoever that may be)... can't be a priority in your life.. and if you do meet a woman who is worthy of making that committment too.. your kids should also respect her place in your life.. but right now, this woman doesn't seem to check that box with her one sided desire to ditch her own living expenses and to mooch off what you have established.
She sounds like a user to be honest...
I mean.. if you are making some hugely different incomes.. and it was YOUR desire to subsidise her and her son.. and that was your offer? that's different.. but the taker is the one asking for you to give her stuff and trying to wrap it up in some pretty paper that it would be helping you.. it isn't.. it won't.. it will complicate your life. it will make your children's lives less safe and secure and more stressful.. yours as well... I would not do that to them.
I have thought about when he
I have thought about when he moves out but remind myself that he most definitely will be back once he falls on his ass. He will always be there in one way or another disrupting our lives. Definitely can't see a miraculous turn around from this kid. Christ, he can't even control himself when there is food or drinks in his own home, he'll just keep eating and drinking until it's all gone and leaving food and crap on the floor and everywhere else. Thats why his mother doesn't have much food or drinks at home and buys only as they need it, so basically goes shopping daily to get food for that day.
My house is large enough for her son to have his own room (as one of my kids have already moved out) but i will not give my kids room to him. His room is an absolute mess and i will not have that at my place. Not only that, if my kid returns home, where are they going to stay? My eldest has already warned me that if she moves in he will be moving out and i will not put her or anyone above my kids.
My kids do respect her and treat her as part of the family but they are always telling me that i can do so much better and she doesn't stop complaining about one thing or another.
I think my kids can see something i can't, as i think that i can't do better and i thought she was an amazing woman.
Time for me to make a very hard call
"My kids do respect her and
I agree with your kids!
At times i do to, as they are
At times i do to, as they are mostly adults and can see what is happening and how i currently am. But then on the other hand, they haven't had many life experiences with partners. They probably know me better than i do and can see how i've changed. And they also know what i went through with my ex and all the cheating i put up with from her, that eventually broke up our family.
Spend a few 100 $
See a lawer for a hour. Have a discussion with him about. GF not having clames on your home, getting GF out if you break up. Ect. '
Unf you must understand, that the older you get the date in pool gets smaller. All people out there were married before, have kids, have major concerns. Have ex,s It you want to go into a living relationship with someone they are bring in baggage , Like you who also have baggage. But yours comes with a house.
'That if you actuall find someone not married with out kids. They are not normal. It's how much you give and take
'THIS also answers a question about people not leaving bad relationships.. Once you leave what out there to find ? Living a good life with a disrespectful SK. COULD be better then living alone struggling to pay bills
Depending on the age of
Depending on the age of people.. not having kids doesn't necessarily mean they are "not" normal. Sometimes people end up in some uneven rhythm with life.
For example, I took a few years off college before returning, then worked befor returning to Grad school.. I was in my later 20's and did have a serious relationship 3+year that ended when I was about 27/8. It was just one of those "he couldn't commit" kind of things and then it was a couple years till I met my husband who I married in my early 30's.. we were together for a few years before he did cheat and we went our separate ways. We fortunately never had kids and that was my choice because I had some lingering concerns that if I had kids.. I would be the only "adult" in the relationship.. haha. Then I was in an abusive relationship for almost 2 years before finally meeting my current husband in my later 30's. So, there I was.. almost 40 and in a new relationship.. with a history of three relationships that didn't work out.. mostly due to issues with my partners that were all different.. it's not like I kept making the "same" mistake really. I was well employed through most all of this as well.. I never cheated.. basically just a normal person. It's tough meeting people when you aren't from somewhere since you don't have a wide network of people you know.. Sometimes the time isn't right.. until I met my DH.. but at that point.. by the time I felt more comfortable thinking kids were an option.. I was in my 40's and it just didn't happen.. and I didn't want to spend the money to pursue extreme measures.. so no kids.
Not having kids actually might mean you had a healthier outlook since you might have been more thoughtful about why you didn't want to have them.. vs people creating kids in relationships that failed.
Not everyone in steplife has a toxic situation.. but there are clear signs here that his GF may be a poor choice... holding out for a woman without children may not be totally realistic.. but certainly being open to either will give you a wider pool.
Some interesting parallels.
I was engaged my freshman year of University though I was 20. I graduated HS at 19.
I ended that just after m 21st B-day when I was clear that I was not ready to marry or support a family.
I met my XW when I was 22. We married a month before I turned 24. She was 20. We divorced 2.5 years after the wedding due to her dating problem. She graduated with her BSN about 4mos before she moved out.
I then sold my share of my company to my partners and went back to school full time to finish my undergrad. I never stopped school though I did drop to part time for a number of years during my marriage and starting and running a company years.
I dated actively starting the day my XW moved out until I met my DW of 30 years. She and I met the last semester of my 11yr undergrad career and her fist semester out of HS. I was 29, she was 18. We married 8mos later and 5mos after I graduated with my BS. I was 30, she was still 18 for a month.
She completed undergrad 5yrs after we married, I finished grad school a year later, and she finished grad school 3 years after I did.
I have never had any BKs. Like you, I dodged a major bullet by not having BKs with my serially adulterous XW. For some reason I have never had a major drive to have kids of my own. DW and I have never really had a serious talk about having kids. She did bring it up a couple of times in the vein of "We would have had pretty babies. We should have had one." Never a "let's do it" thing. More of a passing backwards look thing.
I had no intention of marrying again. For sure I had no intention of marrying a parent. After my divorce I dated several women who had kids. Only one I might have considered partner material. Though at that time I had no intention of ever marrying again.
While I crashed and burned the first time I played the marriage lottery, I won big time the second time around. Even as a SParent, I have been fortunate in my incredible partner, and in the wonderful man we raised together.
IMHO it is even more critical in a second marriage to have very clear standards in place that we will live by, and our mate will live by in partnership with us and us with them. Particularly when SKids are involved.
Say no
Once someone moves in, it's damn hard and a real headache to get them out. My partner and I scrutinized each other very closely before he even dreamed of talking about living together, and even then there were hiccups and issues to sort out. If you dislike her son, and suspect her motives, definitely do not have her move in. She also sounds like she's trying to get a deal on housing, not like she just adores you so much she wants to be closer.
You are two very different
You are two very different people. The level of life skills will cause conflict between you two and it will be impossible for her to rise to your level. She will bring yours down, it's easier to just give in eventually, being worn down by the disappointment of her parenting and other shortcomings. You will ended up depressed, angry and bitter. End it now. Maybe get some therapy to fix your picker. Then you can try dating again, only settling for a healthy match.
Yes!
I like the idea of therapy "to fix your picker"! One thing I want to add is that when one finds a healthy match, one is not settling...one is winning!
A week of this and the conclusions is
You can't stand her 15 yo son. He not going away, not until 19 or jail. Nothing you can do GF can not move in. How she takes that , only time will tell. You must be prepared to lose her. She may not want the FWB relationship. Unless she understands how you and her DS just can't live together. What not likely, she will feel the kid is a kid and you should be able to be the adult and hahdle the kid.
I'm so tired of the " you're
I'm so tired of the " you're the adult you should ..... ".
My reply is " you are also an adult and should parent". That's just plain old deflection. True adults don't point the finger and blame. They reflect on themselves and do better.