Please Help!! Depressed when around step kids!! :(

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As I have said in previous posts, I am so glad that I was able to find a site where I can meet people who relate to my situation!
I have been with my husband for 6 years now, and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship, a boy and a girl (he has never been married before me). They are teenagers which makes things hard enough, but I just cannot seem to bring myself to like either one! I don't have anything in common with the boy at all who is 15, and the girl just plain gets on my nerves, who is 13. They come over to our home and just sit in front of the tv doing nothing all weekend long. Its either that or they want to spend money we do not have, which hasn't happened recently since we really haven't had extra money to play around with. So there they sit every weekend doing nothing. I find removing myself from the situation completely helps a little, so I make plans with family and friends, or do something else on my own in another room of the house. My husband does not like this, but it is how I feel. I almost resent him for having children prior to our relationship and feel that it will never be the same if and when we have our own. I have tried to be their friends and it is somewhat better if we leave the house to do something else, but I just cannot bring myself to like them! I find myself wishing my life away to when the child support will be over and they will hopefully only see their dad outside of our home when they feel necessary. It seems he does the same at times too, since he has missed all their growing up and milestones.
BM doesn't help matters either with her frequent texting my husband silly forwards or stupid comments that I find completely unnecessary. H and I have talked all about this but it never seems to do anything. I know he hates I feel this way but I cannot bring myself to enjoy them.
Any advice or even just chat would be greatly appreciated!! Thank you all in advance!

Thank you very much for your

Thank you very much for your reply! I will continue to try all I can to make this situation better- it is just so hard! Planning activities is something I can definitely do, but that is also easier in the summer time as we have TONS of snow right now! My problem will be actually bringing myself to do those things though. Now that this has been happening so long I almost just do not want to find anything to do with them. I know that H will love if I do these things though! I love him with all my heart and never want to lose him- it is just soo hard being in a situation like this!

I know exactly how you feel.

I know exactly how you feel. I can't stand my SC. I actually get nauseous when I know they're coming. They are 13 & 12 & still pee the bed everynight. The youngest is 7 to a different BM & she know how to use the restroom! They have no home training & the house is trashed as long as they are there. I've bitched so much that my Fiancee hardly keeps them anymore. I feel guilty at times, but if they can't act appropriately in my house then they don't need to come. I totally disconnect from anything & everything that has to do with them. I make plans everytime I know they're coming or I just don't come out of my room until its time to take them home. I've figured out that the 12yr. SD does things on purpose to aggitate me. She picks dirt out of my house plants, plays in my candle wax & smears it on furniture & walls, wrote with pen on my new cream suede sectional, broke hard spaghetti up & scattered it through out the house. She is the worst one to deal with. She is only 12 & weighs 250lbs. She eats everything in site & then some. She also goes through my things! It's absolutely intolerable when they're there. You are not alone. Feel free to vent anytime!!!

I totally sympathize with you

I totally sympathize with you and having a child tear up your house. I am dealing with the same thing. Normally I read through these blogs and realize I am not alone in my anxiety, depression and disengagement when I know my F children will be over for the weekend. But I actually registered when I read yours. I am in NO WAY taking their side, just yours...I wanted to comment on the wetting the bed thing. Two things, one, with my own ignoramuses that used to wet the bed, I MADE them go to the bathroom right before getting in bed. If they were in bed, I MADE them get up and go. Of course I had to follow and make sure they went.And yes, they gave me Hell about it, but I became the potty nag!!! That helped. The other thing is that I have noticed over the years of my own children's involvement in divorce, bad teachers, bullies, etc...when there where stressful times, they wet the bed. I have been teaching kindergarten for 17 years, (yes, I'm exhausted)children that are going through difficult times or even "different" times revert to wetting the bed. That may be a cause for the bed wetting. As a matter of fact the bed wetting got so bad at my house, when the new couch came, NO ONE was allowed to sleep on the couch. That's the rule. Of course everybody and their brother has tried to buck the system, but I stick to it. My F & his children seem to think the rule can be broken, but I don't trust a 7 year old and a $6000 couch. I don't want this one ruined like the other one was. (The couch came long before the kid did). My rules, my house...but it doesn't always work that way. The 7 year old breaks things, writes on walls and toys, sheets, bed spreads, BITES. The 4 & 5 year old I teach act better than this 7 year old. Sister, I don't know what to say to you, because it looks like we are in the same boat. I am very depressed and I just seem to get worse...but I just wanted to let you know about the bed wetting. (: Hang in there...I'm trying. Reading everybody's comments really do make me feel a bit better.

Omg the 12 year old sounds

Omg the 12 year old sounds like an absolute terror! But I can totally relate to you. Like I said, I totally remove myself when they are around and make plans or else stay in my room. I don't know how to deal with it so I just leave. DH hates it, I know, but at the same time I know he has no idea what I'm going through! I would never ever want to lose him so I'm just waiting and hoping the next 5 years go smoothly and they fade out of the picture, as mean as it may sound!

His children are never going

His children are never going to fade out of the picture. He is their dad, and being a parent is for life. In order to keep your relationship with your H strong, support his wishes and efforts with his chidren. It is difficult to be attached to children that are not your own, but do it for him. They are children, and no doubt are very aware of your emotional rejection of them. It probably makes them feel badly, no doubt. Talk to your H and work as a team. It will make your marriage stronger and will be good for the children.

Oh honey, I know EXACTLY how

Oh honey, I know EXACTLY how you feel. My SD is coming over tonight until Monday and I have been depressed all day.

You keep looking for redeamable qualities yet you can't find any? I am so in the same situation that you are. You are absolutely not alone. I know what it is like to dread the times they come over and want to get away from them. I think it has to do with being teenagers, teens just generally are hard to like, they're moody, opinionated, think they know everything and want to push your buttons to see how far they can get. Put the fact that they aren't yours and it becomes almost impossible to bear. You need to practice self-care right now like Ms. Freeze said. Take care of yourself and if you are happy then the skids will be less impossible to bear. Your situation really parallels my own, I my SD is 15 and does tons of passive agressive things to agitate me on purpose. You have the right to be respected in your home! How does your fiance support you with them.

As a fellow stepparrent of a 15 year old girl who is nearly impossible to like in every way, I want you to know you are surrounded by people here in this forum who understand.

Remember, take care of yourself, stand your ground and put up a united front with your DH...this should help the situation

Take care!

Thank you all for the talks

Thank you all for the talks and help! It really does help to know I am not alone!

I think I will take your advice on pampering myself though! Especially when they are about to come over or are already with us for the weekend. I think that will help a great deal!

I do however think that they may fade out sometime in the future, even if its a long time away. They never want to come over to our house anyway because we never have money to do anything, and they want to be with their friends more, except BM doesn't let them because that would only take 1 night away from her rather than her being able to be rid of them for a whole weekend when they come to us. DH is a good father to them, but at the same time their relationship isn't good at all. I would expect at least a hug or kiss or I love you between them but there NEVER is. I don't think I've ever seen or heard that from either kid or DH. I just think its all strained from the whole life they have led. I would just love to have a child together and give that child the life it deserves with a family that's together and loves each other- something I didn't even have since my parents divorced when I was in 2nd grade.

Thank you again to all of you for your advice! I always look forward to coming online to hear from you all!

You have described it

You have described it perfectly! I have no control over someone elses kids in my own house. He moved in with me & that was my house for 8 years before we got together. My children are grown buy were taught home training & hygiene. The SK's have not been taught either. They're Mom's are PIGS! I can't wait until they've outgrown the weekend visits either. I just wonder what age that is??? My Fiancee acts like our world should stop when they come & I just want to disappear! It's good to know that I'm not alone. I'll never like these kids or be able to tolerate them. They're just too different. I don't want to lose him either. I just look towards the future that they're only gettin older & eventually the weekend visits will cease. Good luck to you. Vent to me anytime. I know exactly how you feel.

The day when weekend visits

The day when weekend visits cease can't come soon enough! Like I said, I thought it would have already happened at least for the 15 year old, but BM keeps that from happening.
I can relate to what you mean about shielding your own kids one day so they don't turn out like the skids. I think that's a huge fear of mine too. My DH being older than me, I want to have our own soon since he too doesn't want to be too old for all their milestones, but I almost want to wait 5 years til skids are hopefully not coming around as much so it can just be "us." Oh I can't wait!

You part time Step mums get

You part time Step mums get it easy......try living with someone else's kids 12 nights out of every 14 !!

There is no such thing as a

There is no such thing as a part time stepmom. Even if the kids aren't there, the effects are felt daily.

Ex. Financially, phone calls from BM, having to plan your LIFE around visitation, interruptions for drama, etc...

No, just because they aren't there doesn't make it part time. Not to mention that for some of us it might be easier if we had them FT because then we wouldn't have to deal with some of the guilty daddy/ PAS crap that gets handed down and could have a better chance at having a positive impact on the child's life.

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Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.

Exactly.

I'm sure that you can find

I'm sure that you can find at least one thing that you like to do with both SS and SD. Some ideas might include :

*playing Wii Games, perhaps wiifit or something that can keep them up and active.
*Other ideas are just take a night or afternoon out with the kids, take them to the movies or something you think they might like, if you guys don't have money to be spending on wii and movies then try to find soemthing that requires no money, or less money.

I am sure that they have something that you might like...

Ultimately remember they are teenagers and teenagers are often distant, annoying and know-it-alls.

your story is so close to

your story is so close to mine, my husbands kids are 21 and 18 now thank god and they don't come over to my house anymore, i used to get so depressed when they came over cause my husband would ignore me and just stay with them all the time and do what they want and they would do the same too just watch tv all the time cause we can't afford to do nothing that they want to do always expensive stuff it was so not fair so i just started ignoring them i don't even talk to them at all they just come over for holidays and of course i have to be there even if they like it or no an of course my husbands is just with them all the time but i got stronger and i have my own too little boys wich they are everything for me and they keep me busy and away from them, and once they live everything is back to normal it took me a while to get like that i've been married for 5 years and i was only 25 so it was hard for me to have to deal with other kids and what they want when you don't even care about them and they don't respect you cause you are young and they are teenagers, just have patience they will go away and it's true do other stuff i never did none of that, or go with your family they are never going to like you and you don't have to like them all i want for me is some respect and thats one thing that you should get

Try this for grins: Tell your

Try this for grins: Tell your husband you love him dearly and you're going to do whatever it takes, and go bust your ass sideways to help those kids love you, and then even if it doesn't work and they don't take to you at least you know in your heart, and your husband will know, that you have gone above and beyond.

Sooner or later the kids will realize that too and you can sleep at night knowing that you did all anyone can be asked to do. That peace of mind is worth all the trouble.

Oh man, I would simply NOT

Oh man, I would simply NOT have any desire to "entertain" or bond with these kids whatsoever. Why should you? You're supposed to take them to do things they like? and spend tons of money? for what? If your husband wants to, then whatever...but I sure wouldnt!

And kids DO fade out of the picture, if they're NORMAL!! Biokids do it, and so should steps, especially steps who only visit (live somewhere else). They call it "empty nest" for the parents, like when your biokids grow up and get a life! I dont think it's so unusual to expect SK's to do it too. I know I had no use for parents once I was about 18...until, about 30? when I was getting married and having kids of my own? Yep...that's when I got closer to them again, as a respectful adult, and this has nothing to do with step - it's just a parent kid thing!

And your SK's are old enough that they surely have no use for you either. If you can set enough boundaries to get thru the next few years, you should be fine. Once they are adults and on their own, things should be different/better. You dont have to be close with them to have a decent situation for holidays etc. going forward. You mostly just need your husband's support. But trust me, even 5 years can feel like an eternity if you dont get something set up so it's tolerable.

From my experience, the nature of SK's is to be lazy lumps who do nothing but sit around in front of electronics while being indulged. My biokids seem to be the only ones who get straight A's and are involved in sports, clubs, activities, friends, etc. It's a strange phenomenon.