Parenting and step teenage daughters
My Fiance and I have been together for 6 years. I have 2 boys (14 and 10) He has two girls (16 and 13). We got engaged in 2009 and bought a house together. My boys are fine with our relationship. My Finace's Daugther are not. The Older daughter visited un for fors few months and hasn't visited us for the last 4.5 years. The younger daughter visited until July of this year and refused to come to the house. My Fiance announced one day that he is moving out of our house and Getting an apartment near his Ex-eife to be close to them. this is after 6 years of the relationship. Becasie of his daughter, Our relationship has been detiorating. His Ex-wife has manipulated the girls and told them that their father abandoned them to be with me. The older daughter has been disrespectful to him and tells him flat out that he doesn't want me around. she recently told him that If he ever married me that she wont spak to him again. My fiance had trouble communicating with them. the younger daughter liked me and used to come to the house. But she has been torn becasue she wants to like me but her Mom wants her to hate me. Her mom openly says you father left us for her. Both daugters have serious issues now and openly tell their father that they don't like him. the older daughter got in trouble twice becasue of dinking. the yournger has other issues and is going to therpy now. She told the therapist that I was nice to her but she and the older daugter don't want to see me.
He moved out of our house in september and is living close to them. He didn't even consult me and just left me. But fewdays after, he begged me to stay with him and help him overcome this situation with his daughter so ultimately we can be together. Initially I was shocked but now I am trying to help him as much as I can. His older daughter started to go to his apartment every other weekend. But she doesn't even call him or answer his calls and texts on the weekend she is with her mother. One of the reason is because she knows I am with him. His ex-wife tries to sabotage his weekend with girls even now and I end up talking to him and trying to help him get his daughters. He is thinking of taking her to court for parent Aliantion but is scared that he will go thru all the motions and ultimately his taughter will tell the judge that they don't want to be woth him and he wouldn't have them after that.
I am trying to fully support him eventhouhg it has been extremely difficult for me. Now i have to support the the house we bought together oin my own.
I resented him for leaving me lie he did but I understand his fear of loosing his daughters. I am trying to see how can I help him so that his daugthters like him. I feel like If I was to disappear from his life that they will be happy. He doesn't want to loose me. Please help.
My dh had some brief moments
My dh had some brief moments of insanity this past year in which he felt he needed to move out and get a place with ss14. SS has loads of behavioral issues, defiance,and is a tremendous bully to MY kids. Everyone pretty much agrees that he cannot live in our house-including ss, dh, myself and my kids. so we are on the same page. He has many, many issues, but one of his issues that he has also been blatant about is that he does not want dh to be with me (we've been together since the kid was 1)-but he is just of the opinion that if dh is not with his bm he shouldnt be with anyone and he would also like to be an only child.
Well, guess what buddy? You dont get to chooose. I told dh in no uncertain terms if he went through with moving out it was done. I would not wait until he wanted to move back in in 4 years when ss was 18 or possibly sooner when ss went to juvenile detention or moved back in with his bm. If dh wanted to ditch his entire family here (one of my bios is also his bio)to cater to ss's insanity then that was his choice, but I wasnt going to cater to it. He came to his senses and my ss lives with my inlaws presently.
You and your dh are allowing these girls to determine where you live, your marriage, your whole life. How can either of you think that is an appropriate thing? You are giving them so much power. If your dh values your marriage, he needs to move back in with you. His girls need to accept that he is a grown man and is allowed to have a relationship and they get no say in it (as long as you are not being abusive in anyway of course). As far as court, the oldest is 16, IMO, by the time it worked it's way through the court system she would be 18 and it would be pointless. The 13 year seems to be aware of what she is doing. She knows there is no reason to dislike you but is esssentially going to anyway to please her mom. Perhaps that is an issue that she can work on in therapy. Perhaps your dh can get involved in some of these sessions.
Dear hismineandours, It
Dear hismineandours,
It wasn't my idea for him to move. He took advise from his other friends and sprung this on me when he was ready to move.
I was shocked but supported his move. I knew that he would resent me anyways if he stayed and didn't try to mend his relationship with his girls. when his older daughter started to not come to our house 4 month after she started, I told him that he needed to straighten everything out right then. We tried to hire a lawyer and spent money but it din't go anywhere. He also felt guilty about leaving his daughter and started to see the older one seprately or at his parent house. I knew that it wasn't a good idea but felt helpless as he never listend to me. We finally bought a 5 bedroon house so that each kid can have his own room and that would make them happy. the younger daughter was excited but Older one never came once to the house. when tyounger one stopped coming because of her BM, He panicked and moved out. No he doen't want to loose them or me andwe both are miserable. My boys never had an issue with him. It was a shock to them when he moved out
"You and your dh are allowing
"You and your dh are allowing these girls to determine where you live, your marriage, your whole life. How can either of you think that is an appropriate thing? You are giving them so much power. If your dh values your marriage, he needs to move back in with you. His girls need to accept that he is a grown man and is allowed to have a relationship and they get no say in it (as long as you are not being abusive in anyway of course)."
Excellent advice!
He's a fool. No good will
He's a fool. No good will come of this move. The BM hates him and has used the SDs as weapons for years, and will continue to do so no matter where he lives. His daughters are lost already, until they reach independence and possibly realize what their mother has done. Parental alienation litigation will cost a fortune and the outcome is not likely to be different from the situation as it is now. Forcing contact with the SDs will not work out well. Their mother has given them adult status, confided in them, expects their loyalty, and will never stop hating her ex. He hasn't got a chance of reversing this.
The bio-mother is winning the
The bio-mother is winning the war there is no reason to let up now.
Lets get out of this legally and financially by selling the house. It'll relieve you of the burden and each of you will be free of the others debts.
You've got to let this guy try and salvage what he can with his daughters and the best way to do that is to fade completely into the background. Allow him to tell his kids that you two are no longer engaged, in fact insist on it, and make sure there is no evidence at his apartment of you being there when they visit.
The easiest way to do that is not visit. He can see you on dates and overnights at your apartment if you two wish.
I am trying to let him
I am trying to let him salvage what he can with his daughters. The daughter have not seen me at all but they can sense that he is with me on the weekends They are with their Mom. He doesn't want to loose me but We are loosing here big time.
The BM told him yesterday
The BM told him yesterday that both girls hate me. She blames me for ruining theeir marrige when it was ruined already. He used to sleep on the floor when they were together. She told him to choose any other women except me and she will be fine with it. I am ready to give him his space and concentrate on my boys but He doesn't want to let me go. I have not seen the daugters not even the younger one. Even though he moved one hour awayu from me and sees his girls during his weekend without me. I don't even call him to make sure that I am not interfering with his time with them. The Ex still managed to ruin his weekend and takes the girls as she pleases. The BM know that he hasn't left me and she wants him to break up with me eventhough she has a boyfriend. she wants him to choose someone else. this is miserable life
Unfortunately Yes I was
Unfortunately Yes I was
Frieda, I think he realizes
Frieda,
I think he realizes this now. He told me he regret doing this and he broke his friendship with this women coworker but the damage is done and his girls still resent the fact that he talks to me and sees me becasue of their Mom. Their BM have damaged her own two daughters
Freida, He had mentioned that
Freida, He had mentioned that to after he gets fristrated with his Ex and the Girls becasue they listen to her. He has also told the Girls that He loves me and they should accept me even as a friend in the beggining but The older daughter flat out refuses and say she will never accept me and will stop speaking to him if he does that. Now that he moved back there, It will be a diaster if he moves back again. This time they will say that Their Father abandoned them AGAIN. So Frustrating
Yes, He said that, He was
Yes, He said that, He was stressed becasue his daugther wouldn't talk to him. He was stressed and taking all this out on me. We had very stressful relationship. He started talking to this women and thought that was the right decision. I was pissed but i didn't try to stop him beasue it was hell living together and going thru all this. within days he realizd that he made a mistake and nothing in his life was getting better and he did anything and everything to get me back.
He doesn't want to be wth Ex wife but he wants her to move on and stop hurting the girls and his relationshp with them
Personally my bet would be
Personally my bet would be that whether you were the "other" women or not BM would still be beating you down.
If living separately works for you guys then fine it works. But it sounds like you guys have to accept that and rright now it sounds like you both on the fence. Someone needs to decide if they can live like this and accept the reality of it, or someone needs to decide to put an end to it.
He made the decision, he needs to live with it.
On going to court over parent alienation syndrome, most courts dont play into that.
Alot of things suck here, however one thing i will say is that dh will tell, and has told sd he is not giving me up for her. Period. Now although it is not perfect here with her, im not going anywhere because of her either.
If he moved out then let him
If he moved out then let him sit on that for a while. As hard as it is get on with your life without him. That is all you can do. There is nothing left. You will not ever win when it comes to a controlling SD and her mother right behind her. If he can't stand up to them which he can't (neither can mine) then it's time for you to move on. He already has. He made a choice. And sadly you were not it. He didn't sit down and speak to you about it. He didn't ask you about your feelings on it. He didn't consider your feelings on it. You were not a thought for him. Only an after thought when he realized he wouldn't be going to bed with you........ I am sorry but these men (including mine) are damn fools. And the sooner we figure this out the happier we all will be.