Ouch... how do you move past really hurt feelings.
My SD is 16. She honestly is a pretty good kid, does well in school, has goals and aspirations and is respectful (although really distant).
She has a terrible relationship with her BM and spends 75% of the time at our house. She's not the most warm or pleasant person to be around but we muddle through decently most of the time. It seems like when we get closer, SD takes a big poop on our house and creates hard feelings. This last one I don't know if I can move past.
I was diagnosed with possible breast cancer and I've been freaking out. My kids are awesome, my friends and family are awesome and SD is totally absent. DH prompted her to call me before biopsy 2 or 3 times, she just refused. Said she would and didn't. When she came home the day after my biopsy, she walked in the door and said nothing. Not a how are you doing, nothing. A week later, she still has not said anything, even after being prompted.
Wow. I don't know what to say. I am so hurt and angry... in my own home she can't even muster up a little compassion. She is like this with her Dad sometimes to. I've honestly wondered if she is the most polite sociopath around. She just doesn't seem to care about anyone at our house or her Mom's house. She's totally great with her friends but the rest of us feel like nothing. She literally doesn't seem to have any warm feelings.
What on earth do I do? I have enough to worry about and I don't want to have hurt feelings over this. I am just stunned. Any ideas?
I know it may seem difficult,
I know it may seem difficult, but blow her off. I've learned that there are a lot of teenagers out there these days that don't care about anyone but themselves. Yeah, may seem she is great with her friends, but when you have a group of like-minded individuals? Friends are more important than family, because they are thinking those friends will be around forever! Those friends mean popularity, going out, etc. They don't appreciate what family has to offer them...real love, stability, etc.
Aswang, you are spot on in
Aswang, you are spot on in this thread. In January dh had to call 911 for me and off I went in an ambulance to the hospital for a very serious life threatening (actually, certain death without immediate help) health crisis. I got proper treatment and after all day in there I did get to go home, still visibly ill. I remained quite ill for another 2 weeks till it finally was all over.
I thought SDthenstill14 would at least behave a bit subdued, maybe a little scared or shaken, possibly nervously curious, one of the major adults in her life whisking off like that with 911. Oh, but no. She couldn't slow down the mean one little bit.
Even my AUTISTIC stepson who was 12 at the time expressed appropriate compassion and wished me well. I agree with you, aswang, that being a kid or a step kid is no reason to behave in a crisis without at least saying "that's too bad," "feel better soon," or "sorry you're having a hard time" or making an effort to help or at least not be mean or an effort to avoid causing more trouble. If an autistic kid can figure it out, op's sd should have been able to, too.
Furthermore, when I myself was 17 my sister had a brain tumor and I was plenty upset about it and acted it.
There is no reason OP should feel it's ok to have to live with someone who doesn't really wish her well, especially since this person is at the grace and mercy of sm in re the 75% and not liking her own mom.
What you should do, op, is tell your dh how much it disturbs you to live with someone who can't respect her father's wishes at a time of crisis. It doesn't feel good to be so scared and vulnerable and having someone act like you don't matter. Just tell him. See what he comes up with. Sounds like your dh is on the job, he may figure out something.
Thanks, I'm glad, too!
Thanks, I'm glad, too!
Thank you for the replies.
Thank you for the replies. Aswang, glad you recovered! SD stays at our house more than CO b/c she is free to do what she wants, not b/c she likes us. I am trying to figure out how not to stew over this but I'm just done. This is the final straw. I wish she would just stay with her BM and give me my space.
It was a last straw for me,
It was a last straw for me, too. When I recovered, I told DH since no one was making SD go to counseling I was going to go for myself. That got his attention. I told him how I felt about her behavior during my brush with death and he said, "Oh, she really DOES care about you!"
I was done, though. It was pretty much the moment I stopped pussy footing for good. I said, "OK, Mr. Science, where is the evidence for that?"
Embarrassed stammering and "I just gulped down sour milk" look on DH's face.
"Where is one shred of evidence she cares?! You're always demanding proof and method, let's see your evidence on this."
Look of vanquish, "There is none."
I know he was disappointed in her after that conversation put it in such black and white terms for him and because he had such a vivid contrast with autistic son's easily compassionate and appropriate manner in the same incident.
So now you can stop lying to yourself, op, about where you stand with her. Make sure your DH comes to the same clarity, too. No one is expecting these skids to throw confetti and make cupcakes because we arrived in their lives, but when they are treated with kindness and generosity it is NOT expecting too much that they behave toward you with the common decency anyone would show to a perfect stranger on the street.
Been at the Stage 0/1 panic,
Been at the Stage 0/1 panic, so I get some of it. Biopsies. I chose surgery to try to forestall development because the entire "let's wait and see" approach gave me the 'Heebie-Jeebies'. Horrible time last Fall.
If I had a SD breezing in/out at will, I would be beyond pissed. Even understanding that she is 16 and hasn't the words and doesn't know how to express concern and the Biggie: won't even friggin' try. She can't speak with you? Pretty certain that she can write you a note or send a text ... Jimminey.
All I can add is to affirm that in most cultures, it would be appropriate to acknowledge a medical crisis in the house you live. Maybe you are expecting a long drawn-out moment with SD, may not happen, she's 16; however, a fundamental acknowledgment of crisis is normal ... For Pete's Sake.
Good luck and get 2nd opinions.
Yep, still hasn't said a word
Yep, still hasn't said a word about it, even after DH "talked" to her about it again. Whatever, I've gone from hurt feelings to being flat out pissed. I am still quite civil and polite though, as usual.
The thing that kills me is every woman in my family has dealt with breast or ovarian cancer and EVERYONE in my house knows that's a fear of mine.
SD been shamed at this point and is hiding in her room. She won't even come downstairs unless it's to forage for food. Normally I'm the peace maker who makes the first approach but f*ck it. Not anymore. I'm sick to death of every time we make really positive headway in our relationship she squats down and takes it a big poop on it. I get the psychology of it, but I'm also human and I'm tapping out with her at this point. Thanks for the feedback, it just makes me feel like less of an evil step monster.
Let's see how long it takes SD to realize I buy her clothes, shoes, school supplies etc. The wallet is now closed.