Obligatory Visits
Hey all! It's been awhile. But this is more for my personal sanity and probably a little to help the DH as well.
My SS is 16, he moved out after a small tiff with DH when he was 14 and has not returned. As the time has gone in the past two years my DH has tried and tried and TRIED to be apart of his sons life. TRIED!!! so much, but my SS was always busy, every once in awhile he would give his dad a bone. Asked him if everything is okay, that were the good relationship wise and SS would say of course everything was fine. This past June after much attempts to spend time with him, we basically sat with him and said something has to give, if he wants to be apart of the family and he said he did, that he had to put forth an effort, DH has pretty much threw up hands at this point, but I edged on. Again, SS says everything is fine. He made one attempt since June. We are now in December, he has seen his father once for about 5 mins., and basically told his father that DH has to be the one to try not SS. AUGH! DH at this point is just broken. He is tired, mentally and emotionally.
Christmas is coming and of course he comes prodigal son wanting to come over for Christmas because he knows gifts are involved. So we got a couple gift cards and that's it. I feel bad and know that this will upset him but is DH wrong for saying that this child wants nothing to do with him, we don't even know him or know what he likes, its like a stranger coming over to eat free food and get free money. He truly wants to see him, but he rather not.
Anyone in this kind of position? I am so angry at this kid because unless there is a party or money involved he doesn't care. I'm so far over this kid, but know I have to put on a happy face or mommy dearest will eat this up and say see told you so.
Thoughts?
Kind of sounds like our
Kind of sounds like our situation. SO has 3 kids: son, 22 (good relationship and effort to communicate and spend time works both ways); son, 19 (had a little falling out early in the summer, but things seem to be better... this is the one that sounds most like your situation) and daughter, 14 (she's all about being with her friends, we barely see her - he misses her, but bio mom doesn't help in this regard AT ALL - some parental alienation going on I think). Here we are at Dec. 15th and I still don't know if he has any plans to see them for Christmas. The past 3 years have been so disappointing for me that I'm going out of town with one of my girlfriends for the weekend (23/24, coming home Christmas day) just to avoid all of it. I don't have kids of my own and my family is kind of scattered all over the place. In the past I've tried really hard to be inclusive and make a nice holiday for his family and they don't appreciate any of it. The oldest will hold a conversation, middle guy lays on the couch with his phone, and daughter is in her room online with her friends. I'm not doing it again. I know there isn't much advice in here, but just know I feel what you're going through!
Basically the same, good for
Basically the same, good for you! I'm glad you can take the time to do that because you deserve peace and if DH wants to be in the mix of that, he needs to deal with it, not you. But thank you for telling me, i'm glad i'm not alone.
We had a little over a month
We had a little over a month where SS16 decided not to come over after he was caught lying about who was playing at a concert. DH was concerned about the ghetto venue, not really who was performing, but couldn't believe BM was okay with him(15 at the time) going to see "lil pump" Google him, he's trash.
DH was a jerk to live with during that time. Such a crabby jerk.
He came back and DH couldn't do anything about punishing him for what he did, lying, dissapearing at DD1's bday party in front of our entire family and friends, not picking up his phone (neither did BM) it was a mess. We had no idea where he went because DH does 100% of the driving and BM had never been to our house. Hee was too afraid that SS would just leave again and BM didn't care.
All swept under the rug like it never happened. It makes my blood boil.
The icing on the cake was that the concert was evacuated that night for a bomb threat. I kid you not.
Your DH is going to be so hurt when the kid grabs his gifts and runs. Does this happen every Xmas now?
BM is the biggest reason like
BM is the biggest reason like you why our family is so messed up. I raise stink with DH and he just says it is who she is, it won't change, smh your right bloody boil!
No not every christmas however last christmas I spent days running around to get his gifts. It wasn't what he wanted and I ended up returning most of it and had him order other things online. after that never again!
If he does come over and doesn't stay for vested time and leaves, that will be it, I will put my foot down.
My dd25 didn't spend much
My dd25 didn't spend much time with bd after about age 14. She didn't care that he had NOTHING to off , not even a roof to visit with under, she had enough of his drinking and temper. He "lives" in the next town, where THE high school is located, he would call and ask her to come see him after school. but then would have no way home bc I worked swing. Once she was driving, he'd call and say he had seen her and asked why she didn't go see him, I told him to ask her.
But that was all on him!
My dd was never quite sure
My dd was never quite sure where to find bd, he'd give her one number to contact him, when she'd try it, it would be out of service. She had no idea, til after she was 18 , that her bioflop owed $ 20,000 in back child support,and that was only because she was home and was dressed for court. He didn't have a license for them to take, the contractor he worked for most of the time ,paid him in cash, I even told them who and gave them the address, no results. They won't put him jail for some reason :?
She was able to finally get in touch with him to tell him she was getting married. Ex's mother gave him round trip bus fare plus some spending money and sent several hundred to help the happy couple with anything they needed or wanted. He blew nearly ALL the money on a lay over in Vegas. Before I got there,he brought alcohol in my dd house and he knew it was offensive to her, gets sh-tfaced drunk flips out and gets into a fist fight with the the htb. She kicks her loving father to the curb, then he tells her he has no money to get home, he only bought a one way ticket and no money left. They used part of their rent money to get him out of there. I did give that back to them.
She hasn't spoken to him since, she has left messages with people she knows see's him, but no call back. It's been 3 yrs. and she was here for a visit in Sept. She had left word around, She told me she has pretty much wrote him off and that dh is more of a father than the sperm donor, She can make up her own mind.
I'm going to suggest Dad call
I'm going to suggest Dad call his son and ask him for lunch. A Dad/son Christmas lunch 'date' kind of. Kid either says yes and goes or says no and forget it.
I hate drive by gift grabs, which is what this teen is doing. It's not right to you and Dad nor any of the other guest/family actually coming and wanting to come and participate as a family.
Fine, Dad can give the teen a gift card at the lunch if kid does come. If not, Dad can stick it in the snail mail. The kid says Dad need to try, ok, fine, let Dad offer the kid lunch with Dad. They can talk or stare at their sandwiches. I might even think of being creative with that gift card. Not a store bought one. One self written note in a card saying to be used at kid's favorite place to go out and eat and be used to once a month (or twice) when ever he wants to take Dad up on the offered gift. A chance to have an hour (or two) a month per the brat's busy schedule to see, talk and enjoy a bite to eat with Dad.
Kid can 'use' the gift or not. Of course, the 'gift' is worthless is son doesn't call Dad to use it.
Stop knocking yourself out and stressing over the teen. This is for Dad and his son to fix...or not.
Enjoy your Christmas holiday with those who truly wish to participate and enjoy your home and company.
I've said it many times
I've said it many times before, I'll say it again: It doesn't matter who you are, if you want a gift from me you need to have a relationship with me, I am not an anonymous gift giver.
Dr Tara addresses this issue on Youtube:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBkD7kYUJTk
The whole Say Goodbye to Crazy series is awesome.
Another thing, if SS plans to show up, grab his gifts, and leave, ya'll could troll him by informing him that the gift opening is scheduled for after dinner. Heh. He'd be forced to stay or leave without his gifts.
Also consider giving him stuff you know he won't like or appreciate, like socks and underwear. Let him sound like an ungrateful butthole for complaining. "How would we know what you like? We never see you."