Not respecting schedule
Hello, long-time reader first-time poster!
My new wife has 2 teenage sons from her previous marriage. Only one can drive, but the other will be able to soon. They don't follow the schedule that was agreed-upon by all parties. The schedule we have currently is the one that the kids wanted, actually.
The problem is that one or both will "show up" when they are supposed to be at their father's house. Sometimes they stay for an hour (long enough to raid the fridge) sometimes they stay longer and even all night.
This is an issue for me because it feels as if we never get any gauranteed kid-free time. We can't have sex in our own home because of this. I can't walk around in my underwear because of this. We have no true privacy! I have no problems with the kids being here when scheduled, as we agreed, but I just cannot stand the fact that they don't respect their own schedule.
My wife is reticient (I'm being kind) to deal with this. She states that this is their home and they may come and go as they please. As I press her further to enforce the schedule, she has now accused me of not liking them, not wanting them around and even trying to put a wedge between she and them. This is the last thing I want or am seeking to do.
How can I encourage my wife to get her kids to stick to the schedule for the good of an orderly home?
Your wife sees herself as
Your wife sees herself as their parent "full time".. her home is their home.. and in her mind not just on visitation days. If both the parents are up for the kids having a more fluid situation.. then this may be a difficult fight to have because it will be everyone against you. And. she LIKES the fact that her kids like to come see her.. it makes her feel like an active, involved and loved parent.
However, I do think there are some things you can ask that might be modifications and there are probably some things you need to really examine about what you are claiming.
I mean, I honestly can't see how you are failing to have intimate time with your wife when the kids have dropped by in the afternoon. Certainly they do leave.. and you have a private bedroom correct? You can ask perhaps that overnights not be swithched up without advance notice.. that might be a reasonable request.
You might also ask that no one show up unnanounced before or after a certain time of day so you don't have to rush to get dressed in the AM "just in case".
What does SK being at yoir home
And Adult activities? The bed room has a door that locks. At there age they should know a closed bedroom door means. To stay out and not bother you two. Normal family as not SP. have there kids full times. And Adult activity do not stop,
Not sure how the kids being
Not sure how the kids being there interrupts your sex life, unless you are wanting wild passionate monkey love on the couch in full view of the neighbors...but if the kids show up unannounced and see this, well maybe it will teach them to text ahead next time. As for walking around in your skivvies...again if the kids aren't there and aren't scheduled to be there and walk in, oh sorry kids tough sh*t text ahead next time. They are teenagers and need to start learning their are boundaries. Someday they will have their own places, I would assume they would expect the same courtesy of a phone call of text before you just stop in.
I don't think it's
I don't think it's unreasonable for them to text ahead before they come - yes, it's their home, but it's YOUR home more than it's theirs, and it's fair to ask for them to ask if it's okay that they stop over. Many people on here love the minute their skids leave, so your feelings aren't unusual.
Don't allow your wife to shut down the conversation with the "you don't like my kids" crap. Do these guilty, permissive parents have a playbook, or what? They all seem to say that.
Also, I get the intimacy thing. We have a small house and if we were in the bedroom and SS came barging into the house unannounced, I'd be put off, personally. And you should be able to do it in the living room if you want to, as well.
It takes a long time to get comfortable with SK
I've been a stepparent for nearly 8 years and I still don't feel like I can always be myself when my SK is at our house. I think it's difficult for biological parents to understand this, and part of why this situation is so frustrating. Maybe the conversation with your wife needs to be more about how the situation is affecting you and less about what the SK should do differently. This might help her feel less defensive?
Still--I find as much as my husband talks a big game about enforcing schedules, rules, and values with my SK, he pretty much always caves at the fear of being unliked.
It's a long road, which may just be a countdown until the SKs move out. Sounds like they're close. Good luck.