Need opinions.... SD disrespectful to her dad
I've been living with my boyfriend for over a year now. He has a lovely 14 y/o daughter. She and I get along WONDERFUL! she talks to me, tells me stuff, texts me during the week, etc. She talks to her dad almost every day, she'll call him every night to tell him about her day and tell him good night. Even calls him in the mornings before school.
The problems arise when she comes to stay with us every other weekend. She's still good as gold to me, even if her dad has to work, she wants to come hang with me. But she is a total butt head to him. VERY disrespectful. Tells him to shut up, ignores him when he asks her something, tells him he's stupid, etc. he just takes it.
He and I haven't discussed it, it's only recently (this weekend) gotten so bad that I see it affecting him, and I can tell it's really hurting him. I don't feel I have a right to reprimand her because 1)we're not married 2) I don't want to ruin the relationship that I have with her, and 3) I have no kids of my own so "what the hell do i know".
Like I said, we're not married, so I really don't have any "rights", but it IS my house and parent or not, no 14 y/o should be talking to an adult the way she does. If she'd been mind, I'd have jerked a knot in her head this weekend. My mother says that me not saying anything to her is making it worse, but I'm worried that if I get onto her, she'll not want to come over any more and he'll blame me for it, but something has to be done?!?
My SD treats me with the
My SD treats me with the utmost respect. She would never dream of backtalking me or rolling her eyes or any of the other crappy things she does to her father.
I used to get SO indignant about how she treats her father but ya know when I opened my mouth to him about it he just brushed me off then I'd get more pissed. I finally stopped opening my mouth about it. It is not my job to be my husband's mommy and protect him from SD's smart mouth. If he minds, he'll open his mouth and put a stop to the behavior. When I stopped mentioning the disrespect, I noticed more and more DH would say to SD, "You need to stop talking to me like that young lady!" or "You better think about who you're talking to before you act like that!"
Let them have the dynamic they choose to have. You continue to have your appropriate dynamic with her and having a good connection with her. If your BF gets tired of the disrespect and attitude, he'll handle it himself just like my husband does. And if he doesn't handle it, that's his choice and his problem. As long as she's not disrespecting you, consider yourself lucky.
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
Thanks BitchBitchBarbie
Thanks BitchBitchBarbie (love the name!). This option is probably the direction I'll go, let him deal with her the way he sees fit - even though in the long run I believe it will make it harder on himself, but like you said, I ain't his mama.
The thing is, if it was ANY other child in my house talking to an adult the way she does, I would not hesitate to reprimand, wouldn't even think twice about it, the way i was raised it's an off the cuff reaction to reprimand children that act like that towards adults. It's a wonder i haven't already popped off at her.
I usually feel the same in
I usually feel the same in regard to it being any other child...unfortunately, stepkids are a whole different animal to deal with. I prefer to sit back, let DH handle the mess he has made for himself however he sees fit. No sense in giving myself grey hair and wrinkles over a child I didn't create
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
Exact same situation
Exact same situation here
Was very shocking and disturbing behaviour for me and my children would stand there with their mouths hanging open unable to believe the SKIDS were able to treat DH that way. It was stressful on me and it upset me greatly. I didn't handle the situation in the best manner and I started to get defensive and offended on DH's behalf. Here's what I wish I had done instead.
Since, at that time, I had a good relationship with the girls, I should have sat them down, before it became unbearable for me, and explain that DH is my boyfriend (they understand their feelings for their boyfriend's so I would have used this term) and like any girlfriend, when I see another girl abusing my boyfriend, I not only get upset but mad. I would tell them it is very hard for me to control this emotion and ask them to put themselves in my place. Would they be able to stand there and watch any girl abuse and berate their boyfriend and do nothing?
We all smile in the same language
I am the one that called out
I am the one that called out my SD18 on how she talked to and treated her dad, and after a lot of b*tching and whining and refusing to speak to him, it improved and now is no longer a problem.! But SD and BM were very offended, so what, I don't care.
SD no longer thinks I am as cool as she did, but the feeling is mutual - and I would rather have respectful talking to the adults. SD and I are NOT peers and I established that too.
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“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham
Good point most evil. I just
Good point most evil. I just realized with your last statement that I have been treating my SD like a peer, I am 10 years younger than her dad and only 14 years older than her so I've secretly always felt like I'm not qualified to be a "mom" to her at least. Now I realize that's bullshit and she has been taking advantage of it. Thanks for saying it, made a little light go on.
Hey, great honey!! good
Hey, great honey!! good luck with this!!!
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“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham
I had a similarish issue and
I had a similarish issue and it boils down to this. You don't have the right to reprimand her as a daughter, but you always have the right to defend your man. You can explain it that way if you need to. I did.
Yes - good point and I
Yes - good point and I forgot to say this. I felt my DH was emotionally ABUSED by BOTH BM AND SD for YEARS, and I was SICK of it coming into my house, and hurting him.
At one point BM and SD said, Most Evil, why are you mad, we are not talking about you - and I said, I know, but you are talking about MY HUSBAND! (and possibly something about not everyone treats their husband bad and abuses their husband like she did, but oh well, I am only human).
DH was too beat down to stand up for himself. That is how he appeased them, by continuing to let them abuse him for whatever they are blaming him for that day. Things are much better (for me and DH) since we no longer allow the disrespect to DH.
Also BM was setting a horrible example for SD of how to treat men who love/d you. I hope I set a better one.
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“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham