I can't even
SO is clueless about OSD. He keeps trying to convince himself she is doing better. Which I know is not true because I can access her social media, nothing has changed. He tells himself her behavior is normal for the age. Again, he is clueless her behavior is far from normal and most parents would see major red flags. I just keep my comments and opinions to myself and limit my interactions with her when she is here. Today we sat down for dinner and she comes downstairs with a tank top tucked up under her bra and her shirts pulled of her butt crack. He tells her to put some damn clothes on. She laughs in his face, in the most arrogant way possible and then gives him lip service and he just stews quietly to himself in the kitchen. He turns to me saying what is he supposed to do. Im like oh IDK maybe tell her to go back to her room until she feels like putting some damn clothes on, is a possibility.
My neice who is 19 and in college lives with us and her and her friends can not even tolerate to be near her as when they are here she ramps up her obnoxious behavior thinking she is impressing them. She is doing anything but!
When hubby says to you “what am i supposed to do?”
He marches trashy sd to her room and she can come out when appropriately dressed!!
is she trying to compete with you for hubbys affection as dressing provocatively is mini wife 101, next she’ll be practically dry humping and lap dancing her dad or telling him to help do her bikini or bra....
its a power play to show you that she is his first love and first woman!!
Thay wouldn't surprise me one
Thay wouldn't surprise me one bit, but it would be funny to watch her try. He is so painfully uncomfortable with anything related to thier feminity he cringes, he would probably absolutely lose his mind if she did something like that. He wont buy them underwear or bras of any kind, feminine hygiene products. Before me he made his mother take them for those things. If he sees even one feminine product in the garbage in the bathroom he insists it be thrown out immediately. If she tried to get to close to him, especially when she is dressed like that would tell her to get the hell away from him. The problem is she has histrionic personality disorder, which one of the main traits is using sexuality for attention. He looks at her like she is still a little girl and she technically is still way too young to be acting that way. He is more concerned as he imagines himself beating the crap out of some guy who crosses the line with her. Unfortunately I fear that will end up being the issue down the road. She lures men with her sexuality and then if they cross or reject her, she comes crying to daddy who will of course take her word for it and probably get himself arrested.
The cry of inept/idiot parents everywhere!!!!
"What am I supposed to do?"
I really don't care what a parent does as long as they do something that delivers appropriate kid behavior.
In this case, I would tell Daddy to send his whore in the making daughter to her room without dinner until she dresses appropriately. If she returns in PJ pants and a hoodie, fine. But no booty but crack baring shorts, no bare mid drifts, etc...
Him whinning in the the kitchen "What am supposed to do?" has to be a complete turn off and his sex life should reflect that. That might motivate him to actually do something other than whine like a wussy.
IMHO of course.
It's very frustrating.
It's very frustrating. Because I like YSD and he will put his foot down with her when she copies her sister, as he should. But, he is sending a very bad message to YSD when OSD gets away with things and she doesn't. I sat and talked with YSD after tonight to explain things to her because she is actually receptive and I have always felt bad for her because she is always the one being yelled at in both homes and scapegoated for everything. She is actually very sweet and sensitive, and she is usually respectful and appreciative. Yes she has a lot of anger but I can at least empathize with her as to why.
He doesn't want anything to
He doesn't want anything to do with feminine things? What year is it again? This reminds me of the other day when my 12 yo son was at his dads and he texted me to ask what menopause is because his dad wouldn't tell him *insert eyeroll here*
This guy needs to step up in a major way. I would hold his hand and take him to the damn store, show him which pads or tampons or whatever to buy and make him go up to the checkout himself. Maybe not literally, but you get my drift. I might send him to the store with a list though
When he freaks out about items in the garbage and wants them removed, I'd be like nope tough shit. Chicks live here. The trash will get emptied when it's full. He needs to get over this. It's just the way the human body works. AND guys do gross stuff too.
He's scared to deal with "girl" stuff and probably therefore scared of dealing with "girl" feelings. And he needs to grow TF up about it.
Also, can we not call this SD names? Being or dressing sexy doesn't necessarily make one trashy or a whore. It's only problematic because she's doing it for the attention she thinks she'll get. She's still a kid. It would suggest that she hasn't been given appropriate attention from the primary adults in her life, perhaps men in particular. "Daddy issues" is such a cliche term, but it might have a leg to stand on in this case. What to do about it now, when she's 17 and nearly ready to go out on her own though (which btw it's silly to expect adult behavior from 17-18 year olds, when the human brain doesn't finish developing until early 20's)...that's tough. It could have been fixed long ago if he'd have stepped up with her early on. Now he's got this monster of a situation on his hands and is still inept to deal with it. I personally would have him march her back up to her room to change clothes, and then work on spending appropriate time with her so she's getting positive attention (nothing monetary or that requires spoiling her in some way). When he says something, he needs to be firm. No need to yell. He's the parent and that's that.
Maybe it's too late...I don't know. It couldn't hurt though. But it's also really not your job to tell him how to do his job.
All in all, it sounds like he is a bit stunted emotionally and intellectually himself. Any person capable of seeing the bigger picture could come up with what I just suggested. He has to be willing to put the work in, and it would appear that, for 17 years, he hasn't really done so. It's tough to teach an old dog new tricks. On both ends for that matter--she has been allowed and conditioned to behave one way for 17 years and for that same amount of time he hasn't persevered to grow as a parent or do better.
I agree with you, she is only
I agree with you, she is only 13 acting this way. I just throw my hands up. Yes her BM buys her those clothes, but he can turn around and drop them right back off at her house. He has all the authority where I have none, he has zero follow through and that's a discussion we have had too many times. It's not just her over sexuality that's an issue, she unbelievably rude and arrogant as well as a compulsive liar, she starts drama with her peers and has even been disrespectful to teachers and even once a school officer. Just today they argued because she didnt have a coat, he asked where the 4 coats that were bought for her were. The truth, she brings everything ever bought for her to her BMs. The go to lie, they dont fit her anymore. These coats were bought in September and December and she stopped growing a while ago. I used to get involved but because he has no spine, I just ended up being the bad guy all the time and SK would cry to BM that she was being mistreated. So now I just stay out of it. I dont even try to talk to him about her behavior anymore. He just convinces himself this is phase and one day she will wake up and be this wonderful, successful, responsible young lady who magically acquired morals and values.
I adore him for his kindness, which he is to a fault, and the way he treats me and my son. He is who I want to be with, but I need to maintain my sanity also. In my current situation I feel like the child in a alcoholic family, with SK being the alcoholic and SO being the enabler. I know the next few years are going to be rough with her. I have already told him in the near future I am taking a position out of town and will come home on weekends. Once my son is driving he can stay with his dad when I'm away working.
Oh I'm sorry. I'm not sure
Oh I'm sorry. I'm not sure how I got that she's 17 instead of 13 in my head. My bad.
When it comes to her coats, just require that she removes what you want to stay at your house before she leaves. We were buying a bunch of stuff for skids too, only to see it ruined or just never again at all. My 13yo SD also likes to dress in revealing ways, and I would just prefer that we keep things on hand here that are more appropriate. We wash the clothes they wore here so they can wear them again when they leave to go back to mom's.
This kid's mom is just exasperating the situation. Anything good you guys could even be attempting to instill in her is null and void once she returns to her mom. I get this frustration. My SD's mom has a reputation for being trashy and is passing on some bad habits to her daughter. I feel comfortable calling a grown woman trashy if she does in fact act trashy, but I stand firm that it's unfair to place those kind of labels on a kid. Because a kid only knows what they've been taught. Even so, that kind of behavior in women or teenage girls only comes from a place of super low self esteem. I honestly don't even mind teens wearing clothes that are a bit revealing (note: a BIT, not over the top) if the kid has the confidence to back it up and is just into a certain trend (i.e. like the crop top and high wasted jeans look). But when everything is for some sexual reason or another in order to gain attention in that kind of way, it IS for the wrong reasons. But IDK what you can do with a kid when the adults in her life who are supposed to teach her better are NOT teaching her better at all.
Not to mention, teen girls are typically closer with their mom. It's a time when a girl really needs her mom. So when mom is doing a shit job of it and is the biggest female influence in the girl's life....I just throw my hands up too! Because anything I say just doesn't hold as much weight as what she gets from her own mom.
You shouldn't have to rearrange your life and your kid's life for this nonsense though. This isn't what you signed up for. I mean...if your husband just stepped up and didn't allow the behavior in your home...who's the adult? He needs to take back the control.
I have been thinking long and
I have been thinking long and hard about this situation and the line in the sand. Since I am absolutely uncomfortable with my DS 13 being around an overly sexualized female, especially since she is no relation to him, they did not grow up together. If SO cant step up in this situation and get her to tow the line and cover herself when she is out of her room, she is no longer welcome in my home. She cam stay at her grandparents. Which she wont like because they sure as hell do not tolerate her nonsense or he can figure out where they are going to live.
What am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to do? Take all of those clothes away and buy a few oversized t shirts and sweat pants and knee length bermuda shorts for her.
If she won't act right- PARENT! Good lord, this isn't rocket science.