Our situations sound very similar. I have an SD13, she has lived with me and DH for 6 years now. She has threatened me and has actually come after me physically.

We are in therapy and things are VERRRY SLOWLY getting a little better. But its still not great. Is your SD getting any counseling at all?

Your DH needs to back you up 100%. You need a united front; if she think she can get between the two of you even a LITTLE bit of the time, her behavior will not get better.

wow...not cool.

I think ALL of the letters/drawings should go in the drawer for discussion. And yes, i think a discussion tonight with the 3 of you is needed. In addition, family counseling should be looked into. There is nothing wrong with getting a 3rd party that is unbiased involved to resolve this issue. If you've been in her life for 8 years, why is this all of a sudden coming up?

Letters and drawings now...what's next? I think you need to do something about this now.

Geez I don't understand why daddykins can't see that his little girl is just being a spoiled brat. I seriously don;t get why any parent would put it with that kind of behavior!? I guess I'm old school and would have made it very clear to her that while I love her as my child she has no right to act like that to anyone I'm with. If the step mom or step dad is a great person and isn't mean top the child there is no reason any child she be allowed to act like that. I would also tell her that she IS the child and should behave accordingly!

Counseling is probably your best bet to get daddykins to see what is really going on.

I had the SAME problem at SD13's same age.

You need to make it clear to DH that you AND he need to handle it together. You need to get on the same page first... then .... sit her down, bring out the papers, and discuss the situation.

Let DH begin the talk..... find out directly from her what the issue is. She of course will start crying and be all remorseful. Do not give in to this. DH needs to make it very clear that he loves her very much, but that he loves you too, and you are his wife and a very good SM to her. And that no matter how much she HATES you... he will not be leaving you, so she needs to face that fact right now.

You, need to tell her... you are very hurt over the drawings. And that you will think long and hard about what she has done, how she feels, and you will keep it in mind in the future. And that her continually acting like this will severely affect the way you might treat her in the future. In other words, if she is rude and crude, you will no longer be willing to take her shopping, help her do things, etc...

DH needs to make it clear to her that you are all a family. And that one member of the family cannot make it HELL on another member of the family and that it will not be tolerated. He needs to make her understand in no uncertain terms he is very very disappointed that after all these years... she would do such a thing.

As for you.... it is imperative... that you continue to be affectionate with DH, and be the ADULT here and not give in to childish whims to pay her back...for being rude. But... you do not have to go overboard with the niceties.

Stop and ask yourself if DH is giving SD enough attention. Can things be done a little differently, so she can have some attention too? I am just trying to point out if she is feeling needy, does he recognize it and try to help her?

This is very typical of her age. My sd did the same thing, but she posted it on MYSPACE for everyone to see! It was humiliating!!! AT 13... she posted some very vulgar nasty things about me, and I read them. I was DEVASTATED.... I had done nothing mean to this child and I had been an ideal stepmother. My BD's.... found out about it and they were LIVID and they FROZE her out of their lives and we all lived in the same house. She paid bigtime for that. But it didn't end there... she wrote nasty things about me in her journal.... and again... my nosy teenage girls found it and all hell broke loose again. DH got mad at my BD because she read it... and less mad at SD for writing it. Hurt me bad... he felt those were her private thoughts and as bad as they were... we needed to ignore them. I told him... this is a very big problem. We think life is good... and she is writing vulgar, nasty stuff about me in her journal.... something is wrong... real wrong.

We sent her to a counselor.... the Counselor turned each session into a bitch session for our SD.... and we were paying for it. The counselor would not discuss with us the issues discussed. We fired her. We were getting no where and SD was just getting worse, because each week she could vent to counselor and get sympathy.

In the end... SD was having abandonment issues. She had to go back to live with BM and SF... because that was where she really wanted to be... as nasty as it was. Unfortunately... since... SD can't figure out what she wants, and she is moving back and forth all the time.

Good luck.

Your safety may be in jeopardy.
My concern here is that she calls you "it". This means she doesn't see you as human. I fear for your safety as she has clearly dissociated herself from reality. I have read that this is one of the first signs in the children who take guns to school and shoot their class mates.

Oh one more thing. Explain to DH that he must show a united front with you when talking to SD. He needs to be very convincing in his love for you and how happy it makes him to have BOTH of you with him.

When SD sees that he is telling her he loves you both... and that she must stop this nonsense because it will NOT break you up, it will just make him very unhappy with her.... then she will see it did not work the way she thought it would.

At 13... they think Daddy can just break up with you and be with them. They have no idea what marriage is all about. He needs to make it very clear.

Anonymous Me - I agree with the poster that said ZERO TOLERANCE for this.

The first letter deserves a reprimand from DH. The second letter deserves SD to be put in therapy with a therapist to resolve these issues.

As much as I have been angry or hurt or in competition with anyone in my past, I have never drawn a picture of them dead, or being shot.

I feel that your husband may want to sweep this under the rug because it scares him. Let it scare him.

If I were there with you right now, I would be getting a recommendation for a teenage therapist on the phone and setting up an appointment. That's how strongly I feel about it.

Please take the advice you see here. This is bigger help than we can give you.

Please tell me you are contacting the authorities. This is a serious threat against your life.
I am so worried. I don't know who you are or how to help you. Please...please...contact the authorities!!!!!

Oh this sounds like my house I have a SD13 as well you hates everything about me. I walk; talk; make dinner anything and everything!! she tells my BD11 how much she hates me and makes it clear that she wants her daddy all to herself; She talks about me all the time. I think it is a 13Y old girl thing with their daddy; it is all to weird for me; the gun thing would scare me. She should probably talk to someone; My honey doesn't take what I say serious at all either; I think you should ask a professional on this one. Take care please.......

IMHO I think that while it's important for you to make sure there are no guns in the house, I think it is more important to remove SD from the house until her feelings/possible intentions can be sorted out by a PROFESSIONAL.

Please call your local CPS or Police immediately. Most states have emergency placement facilities for such children who need to be removed from the home immediately either for their own safety or for the safety of others. SD really needs to be evaluated by a professional and should not be in your presence until this happened.

Screw counseling! Like someone already said it just turns into a bitch fest that you are footing the bill for. This is up to your husband how this goes. Your husband probably has some unresolved guilt issues that he needs to deal with. After he releases his guilt he will be able to see his daughter for what she is: A muniplitive, spoiled rotten brat that needs some immediate dicipline.
I am all for counceling, but I think some of you are trying to have the counselors "be the parent".
You both need to sign up for parenting classes and learn to set some boundries.