Help Desperately please!
Hi there,
I am new to this site (today, 5 mins ago) and don't normally post on this sort of site, but I am desperate. I married my husband 18months ago. His kids are 15 (girl) and 13 (boy). My husband doesn't have any custody rights (lives outside the usa) and only sees the kids 40 days per year (not in one complete block). He has never lived with his kids for a continuous time over 8 months (always worked overseas) and has been divorced from his ex for 6 years (so no I wasn't involved in a breakup or anything).
Anyways, here is the issue. I am not a priority to my husband when his kids or extended family are with him (actually his words said to me in front of kids and family on the last holiday we took together). I had Christmas alone with my family (different country) because of behaviour displayed by his children on our previous vacations. eg: Hitting, temper tantums (12 year old (now 13) had a crying fit because he didn't want to take a shower AFTER 3 DAYS).
I am due to go on another holiday with him and his children in a weeks time. We have just paid a lot of money to upgrade our RV and now he has told me (yes told, not discussed or anything JUST TOLD) that he will be teaching his 15 year old daughter how to drive it).
My husband constantly makes decisions (some lifechanging eg: having a child together (discussed with family and kids and they decided NO then he informed me) without involving me and I think I am at the end. I am very afraid that if this holiday doesn't work out, I will be leaving my husband and not returning!
Does anybody else have the same issues with their spouse and teenage stepchildren??? Please tell me yes so that I know I am not the only one this is happening to. It would be great to hear from someone else. Support is really needed and would be totally appreciated right now!!!
Thanks
I know I deserve better, but
I know I deserve better, but it is very difficult to do the action!! A lot has changed between my husband and I since the "children" issue and things were getting better, but a conversation today about our vacation has made me think that I am stick back at square one. I know it sounds stupid, but I am living in the Middle East, no cash of my own (all joint now), loads of debt (thanks to him spending up big on his kids). I brought $250K in cash to our relationship and paid cash for a house for us an if I leave I will lose everything!!! He is still paying alimony to ex (for another 18months) and child support. I am stuck.
I understand how frustrating
I understand how frustrating that much be and I can imagine that you would feel completely used because you brought so much into the relationship (financially and emotionally) and that this makes it hard to leave but, is a house and the cash worth your happiness and your sanity? If you feel that you have done everything you can to preserve your marriage and you are still not getting anywhere, pack your bags and go home. It might be tough for a while and you may struggle with money but you will be so much more at ease and that can't be bought.
I know! It is just that I
I know! It is just that I feel (again it is me) that my husband has had a rough start (nobody really cared about him although he doesn't see it that way) and that he is a good man underneath he just needs someone to back him up for a change (ex never did, she left and lived with kids in another country and just took the money for the last 7 years of their marriage). I am strong and bull-headed I guess. I refuse to give up on him. We seriously have come so far (with other issues), but I know he has been so hurt in the past and don't want to give up just yet although my own sanity is being battered. I can take it, I am stronger. I don't know whether he can take another divorce. He still keeps pics of his ex to remind him of the hurt. He hates her I know, but he is deeply hurt. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy.
I can totally understand
I can totally understand that. I can understand the desire to help someone, especially when you see something in them that no one else does. I can understand that you have seen something special in him that you KNOW will make him a better person, something that no one else has bothered with before and I know that you feel that if you support and nurture that special-ness he WILL be a better person. But you can support him and be there for him in every possible way but if he is unwilling to change, you are not going to get anywhere. I spent almost three years supporting and being there for my ex, I was so desperately in love with the man he COULD be, but that man never showed up and I was left broken. I had invested so much of myself in him that once I realized things were never going to change, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know who I was outside of him and outside of us. I don't know all of the details of your relationship and I sincerely hope there is a solution and I know that regardless of what we all say you won't leave until you are good and ready, and I really hope that you two can get through this and that he does become a better man, but if he doesn't then you should do what ever you have to do to make yourself happy.
Well, I am "not stuck", I
Well, I am "not stuck", I just feel that way.
Go home to your family for a
Go home to your family for a while. Get perspective.
You will see once out that you don't want to be there.
I did that at Christmas time.
I did that at Christmas time. My hubby appreciate me and our relationship was good, but this upcoming holiday is causing anxiety again. I have very few good experiences with his family (Mom ruined my wedding day (it got cancelled coz she interfered), sister was in finance business and now the kids). I am just scared I guess.
Sounds like all you can do is
Sounds like all you can do is explain to him that you are worried that these issues will come up again and remind him that he needs to reassure you while they are with you.
If he doesn't improve this holiday, you will have your answer.
THANK YOU!!!! It seems you
THANK YOU!!!! It seems you are living my life!! A bit sad, but realistic maybe. It is nice to know that I am not alone. It is a tug of war and will be for awhile I guess. My husband keeps saying (only 3 years and daughter will be in college and 5 until son at college). I didn't get the wedding I wanted, have a wedding night to myself or any holiday alone with husband since marrying and I guess I feel royally cheated!!!
Girl, what is your major
Girl, what is your major mafunction? Dump the guy. He is obviously a user and a loser. You know, it is a funny thing about most women. While guys think with their two heads, the little one prone to getting them in trouble (albeit few isntances that last), the big head on top keeps them grounded. Women perpetuate inferiority by thinking with only ONE organ, their bleeding heart. Forget thinking with yoru heart, it is a vestige of evolution. To get women to care for ALL children, including those that come from unwanted advances as well as step-kids, evolution made women think ONLY with their heart. Well let me tell you, emotion is a poor foundation for decision making. So snap out of it, quit being a tool "in love," for god's sake don't have a kid with this douchebag, get a life and dump this whiney little b**ch of a husband before it is too late.
Ouch! This does not sound fun
Ouch! This does not sound fun at all. In fact, it sounds awful. Seriously, if your husband is not backing you up and is listening only to his family and kids then you will never be listened to like you should be. It's hard to change someone and if you think you'll be able to change him you're mistaken. This is who he is and this is who he will continue to be. You can only make excuses for him for so long before they just become a fact of (your) life. Is that what you want? If not, then it's best that you get out now and save yourself future heartaches. I'm not saying that you can't be with a man who already has kids, but you don't deserve to be the low man on the totem pole either.
His children need to be a
His children need to be a priority over you. That's just the bottom line. They aren't your kids, therefore decisions regarding what they are able to do or how they are behaving should be betwen him and them. However, your feelings are still important. If you feel that you aren't being included in decisions that affect you as well, like having more children, you should sit down with the WHOLE FAMILY. Not just him, because then if he sides with you the kids will think that he is choosing you over them. They need to understand that yes he loves them with all his heart, as he should, but you are still in his life. If that doesn't work then talk to him one on one. Try to see his point of view as well as your own and find a compromise. Just remember that you're coming into a ready made family, and you have to work to find your own place.
lol his children need to be a
lol his children need to be a priority? lol I bet you'd never say that to your mother if your parents were still married...pathetic
If a single man's children
If a single man's children were to always be a priority over a wife (or partner), then that single man will always be single. This is the tricky part about being the single parent that's dating: you have to be able to make BOTH a priority. Neither is more important than the other. If there were no children involved, would the wife/partner still come in second or third? I would hope not. I'm sure it's tough for both parties involved (the kids and the wife) but just like the wife is learning to accept the (new) husband's children, so should they learn to accept her. It's only fair.
Children and spouses are both
Children and spouses are both priorities, but on DIFFERENT LEVELS.
Do NOT elevate children to spousal level, which is what this poster's DH is doing by giving them a say in such things as getting pregnant, etc.
It IS possible to hold both in highest esteem, just in different ways. There is no way kids should be given the option to call the shots when the issue at hand is an ADULT-ONLY decision. And when kids are grown? My opinion is that they have their own adult decisions to make, they don't need to be busting in on yours.
What people don't realize (or maybe sometimes they do) is when unilateral decisions are made, that is propagating the adult spousal status with the kids -- important decisions are discussed WITHOUT the other adult involved. This is especially bad when the adult left out doesn't agree with the decisions made.
Adults who do this oughta be slapped upside the head IMO.
As for the 15 year old
As for the 15 year old driving the RV -- WTF???? Seriously, if she/he is not regularly driving this is not the time to start.
Ok, the 12/13 year old no bath thing - reality is that a lot of teens/preteens go through this stage. You have to be an ass at times with them. Just a heads-up something they do not tell you about parenting. You will parent because you will leave his sorry ass. Seriously the only two people that should be involved in a conversation about having kids is you and him.
Okay, so I haven't posted for
Okay, so I haven't posted for awhile (vacation), but felt like giving an update.
Vacation went mainly okay. A few bad moments (two very bad, where I really lost it with SD). Once in a restaurant when she was disrespecting her father while he was trying to give a "lesson" to his son on manners. She blew up and started to tell her father where to go. He took son outside, daughter went to follow, but didn't make it that far thanks to me putting her back down in her seat. She started to have a go at me until I read her the riot act in the middle of the restaurant. Dad comes back in and she says "Daddy, I am finished now". Thankfully Dad backed me up on this occasion and didn't give in to her manipulation.
Second was when mother called while we were all in the car together (against court order for us to hear conversations). I know this is really stupid, but it is something that both hubby and his ex wanted (long before I came into the picture) so nothing to do with me. We had explained this to both the kids before the trip started so they were aware that we would find a place to pull over and they could phone her back, but NO this didn't happen. They refused to hang up the phone and now ex is taking us to the court because we violated a court order. The B---h knows the order the same as we do and knew we would be in a position where the kids couldn't talk (we don't get them unless we hand of a detailed daily itinerary to her).
Anyway all was reasonably okay until we got to husbands family. He reverted back to his old ways of dissing me in front of kids and letting his family diss me. They actually asked his what my surname was and then said 'Oh yes, sorry I forgot you were married". It was at this point that I left and basically didn't go near him, his kids or his family members for 2 days (even slept outside their home which is where everyone else was staying). Yes I made a HUGE statement, but figure that what is good for the goose is good for the gander.
My family are coming to stay with us soon for about 2 weeks so we will see how that goes for him.
I can see huge changes in what he is doing, but don't understand why he loses his balls when it comes to his family.
P.S. SD didn't get to drive the RV. I said that if he let her then he could make sure I was not in the vehicle and seeing as we were in the middle of nowhere the opportunity didn't arise.
Anyways, that is the update.
I call bs on your husband.
I call bs on your husband. You are his partner, not his property. Adult decisions involving the two of you should have absolutely nothing to do with the kids' opinions. I certainly couldn't have made good decisions about someone else's life when I was 15. I'm willing to bet the same is true here.
As for the ex, it's hard to think she has been this way for the last several years. That sounds like something that hit the fan when you came into the picture. And the kids no doubt express the opinions they hear from their mother. Basically, it sounds like your husband loves the competition for his love and approval.
Get out now - before you are old and frail and realizing that a bunch of awful people dictated your entire life.
Good luck.