Open letter to my step children

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This is an open letter to my step children, maybe I will print it out and read it to them when they are a bit older. They are 7 ( girl ) and 10 ( boy ).

Kids :

Last weekend was great and I couldn't wait for you to leave and go back to your mother's. See, I don't love you. I love your father, and I was told that therefore I should automatically love his children, but I don't. I know that you don't love me, and I want you to know that is totally fine. For a while, I tried to love you and felt terrible when I didn't. Now I know its ok that I don't love you and it certainly is ok if you don't love me. I do not look for the love of a child. If I would, I would have had my own children.

When I met your father, he told me about the 2 of you and it really didn't seem that big of a deal, but it is. I understand that the 2 of you did not chose to live in my house. You have to. You didn't chose to be with me, but you have to. You lost the big house with the pool you lived in, and now you live in a small house, that has no pool, with me. Life sometimes isn't fair, but these are choices your mother and father made and you will adjust. I feel bad for you, when we drive by your old house, and you tell me you miss it. My parents never divorced, and I never had to move as a kid. I am grateful for that. But lots of kids deal with divorce, and they will be just fine. Just like you will be.

Your mother thinks you are special, and maybe even your father does, but let me tell you the truth - You are not special. You are a boy and a girl, and there are millions of boys and girls, exactly like you. You are special only to your parents, not to the world. To be special to the world, you need to do something that is special. I hope you will. I will be rooting for you, from the bleachers, not the front row where the expensive tickets are. That's where your mother can sit, and she can pay for those tickets. I take the free seats on top and bring a binocular. I will be proud of you, no doubt. From a far.

Your happiness is not my first priority in life. My happiness does not depend on your successes or failures in school, or life, like it does to your mother, who lives only through you both. I feel bad for you to have such a responsibility to carry at such a young age. Do not worry about me. I expect nothing from you. I hope you turn out to be well adjusted, successful adults with a kind heart. But if you don't, that's really too bad, but not a lot I could have done. I will listen and talk to you if you want me to, but would really prefer if you talk to your mother, or father first. I will drive you somewhere, I will do your laundry and , if it fits into MY schedule, I will even go to a school play or a soccer game, but not when it is sunny outside and the ocean is calm and calls my name.

I will clean your room and make your beds and put money in your savings account on special occasions. I will do as I please in my house and speak my mind, and you are absolutely not allowed to come into my bedroom, unless there is a fire, or somebody is bleeding to death. I respect your privacy and you will respect mine. Your triumphs, and tragedies, and your drama in your upcoming teenage years should be reserved for your parents, not me. Do not use your only call from jail to call ME. I will not use up my 401 K to bail you out and pay for a lawyer. You are not my son, and you are not my daughter. You are the kids of the man I love , nothing more, nothing less. I will help, I will assist, I will clean and drive. Any personality disorders you received like an inheritance from your mother is neither my responsibility, or the cross I need to bare in life. Its not that you are not important to me. You are. Just not important enough for chaos and drama.

It is not that I dislike you. I don't dislike you, but my priority is my relationship with your father. I hope you now see, for the first time, how a healthy adult relationship looks like. I think if parents, or step parents, fixed themselves, and their own issues, you kids will fix your issues too, and will be fine. Just like I know you will be.

I will see you in 2 weeks, and until then, I will enjoy the glorious quiet peaceful house I live in. Call me if you need anything but only if your father doesn't answer his phone. xoxo Happily Selfish xoxo

I think you sound very bitter

I think you sound very bitter and hurt.. Your step kids are very young, have there been issues already?
I would not be cleaning their rooms or making their beds..
But it sounds like something changed in your feelings toward them?

It doesn't sound bitter and

It doesn't sound bitter and hurt to me. Just blunt reality coming out in words. It's the thoughts that a lot of think but don't have the nerve to say, even to ourselves sometimes.

just read your post from

just read your post from 1/29, could have written that one myself ! To not just survive, but thrive, you MUST adopt the " Whatever " attitude... I really don't care , do whatever... Make YOURSELF priority. A good book, exercise, go to the mall for hours, I got to the beach for hours and hours and dive. Place the ring of sanity around you and let nobody get in LOL.

applause Loving this!!!

***applause***

Loving this!!!

lol...you are MUCH nicer than

lol...you are MUCH nicer than me!

Lets see mine would be: Dear

Lets see mine would be:

Dear ss15,

You disgust me. I think you are a pitiful excuse for a human being and I will never forgive you for the many things you did but most especially for sexually assaulting my daughter. A close runner up would be when you plotted in detail how you were going to murder my son.

Just because I love your father it does not mean I will ever love you. I spent years caring for you and loving you and this was how you repaid me. You will never be welcome in my home or around me and my children again.

I cant wait til the day when you wind up in prison and get to experience someone sexually assaulting you or plotting your murder.

I will never see you again. Don't ever call me no matter what the situation. I plan to enjoy my life quite nicely without you in it.

sincerely,
hismineandours

That doesn't sound bitter does it?

...wow......even that letter

:jawdrop: :jawdrop: ...wow......even that letter sounds too nice....

So sorry. Keep him FAR, FAR

So sorry. Keep him FAR, FAR away! Just take all that anger and turn it into love for your DD and DS to the moon and back. Every day make them feel like they are the most special two littles on earth no matter what that evil pig did.

Yikes

A nice catharsis but don't

A nice catharsis but don't share it.

Not to sound like Dr. Seuss

Not to sound like Dr. Seuss but to chime into OCC ...

it's a cross alright.... bear it, do not bare it

the op was brilliant. said

the op was brilliant. said exactly what i felt when i married dh. no sugarcoating it.

usually we get hurt because we are so desperate for the skids to love us. no matter what we do, we will always be he enemy and "not" their mother. this was pointed out to me so many times when the skids were small.

in the end, we end up stronger by disengaging. his kids, his problem. the guilt parents feels caused by the divorce only turns the skids into entitled little monsters who turn their rage on us. i was made to feel like a homewrecker when, in fact, the bm was the one who committed adultery and went on to marry her lover after he left his wife. poetic justice when the second husband had an affairs with another woman.

i also felt sush a sigh of relief when the skids went back to their mother.

Agreed, it took me a while to

Agreed, it took me a while to realize that we will always be the enemy, no matter what I say, do for them, I could buy them the TajMahal, and the next weekend they go to their BM and they want to please her and they tell her I yelled and screamed and made them miserable, because that is what she wants to hear. Even if they had the best time with me. Seriously, - its ok. We as steps, male or female, really need to get a grip on reality and ask ourselves if we get into crisis mode :

" Why on earth do we care so much about OTHER PEOPLES CHILDREN "? why do we care what they feel, think, tell their BM? Why ? Let go of this. They are other peoples kids. Not yours.

I will provide a roof over their head, food and medical attention in an emergency. Everything else needs to be provided by their parents. I think I will start charging the DH for gas money the next time he wants me to drive them somewhere, like a taxi driver, who needs to get paid

in my case, no amount of love

in my case, no amount of love in the world will make the skids love you, let alone care about you.

bm left dh when the skids were still in nappies to marry her lover. the lover left his wife to marry her. more on this later.

the skids were so young that younger skid was closer to her stepfather than dh. homework, school meetings, and all the things a father wants to do were done by stepfather.

then stepfather decided to have an affair on bm. (remember the karma train.) bm divorces her once lover and husband.

and younger skid still loves stepfather evn knowing he cheated on their mother. go figure.

Love this! Oh, how I wish I

Love this! Oh, how I wish I could send something like this to my 2 SDs (one is 23 & the other 21)! Even if I did the sad part is they would not understand it. It would just be me creating "more drama again" lol.

I think most of us

I think most of us step-parents start off feeling the exact opposite of what HappilySelfish649 writes. We start off in a relationship with our DH's being deceived into thinking the fact our new SO has children is no big deal

We sincerely want to love our step-kids and do many things for them, and to build strong loving relationships with them. Our intentions are good and we open our hearts, our time, our finances, our energies, into cultivating all this

Then we learn the hard way that these same individuals don't give a damn about us. They are in fact the selfish ones when it comes to their step-parents. Yes children are normally selfish but it is often far beyond the normal when it comes to step-parents, this includes adult stepchilren

And us step-parents are often part of the problem. We fall over backwards doting our love, attention, time, and work only to make the mistake of trying too hard. Seriously??? Your're penalized because you TRIED too hard? This is a reason people use to turn around and treat you like crap?

We take years of abuse from our SO's children but are still expected to somehow love and cherish them :? :? :?

And during it all we receive little to no support from the very person we fell inlove with, who we thought would cherish and protect us, who did a great job convincing you in the beginning that just because he had children it wouldn't affect the relationship he had with you, the little time he had them they would love you too and visa versa

And THEN well, we turn into the type of step-parent the letter describes! If our DH and his kids are fortunate

For my part, I wouldn't even do half of this for DH's eldest daughter. She doesn't really exist in my world any longer. I love little SGS to bits but even with him I try to remain selfishly distant as now I have experience, now I know what }:) evil BM's can do to alienate their kids from us - those same kids we are so good too - I know how those rotten kids can grow up to rotten adults and everything you did that was decent and good for them was all for nothing

Not in all cases

With my YSD I definitely do more and am willing to as she does show appreciation, respect, and affection. It's not perfect with her and I still sometimes get my feelings hurt, but I have learned to give only as much as each step-child/SGS seems willing to accept from me. I let them dictate the relationship. If they want one, great, I'm all there. If they don't, great, I'm all there

Refuse to waste any more time being wonderful to shitty toxic people!

Yup. You nailed it...

Actually, I don't think you

}:) Actually, I don't think you sound bitter at all. I think you are one sharp woman to realize the "truth" to raising stepchildren. They are not ours to mold, lavish love, take barbs, etc. If they live with us, we need to be kind, feed them and make sure there are no leaks in the roof. You can be destroyed by someone else's children who you try to love. I know, it happened to me, twice. I so admire you that you've got it figured out so soon. Stand your ground girlfriend and keep teaching the rest of the new and old stepmoms out here who have not quire figured it all out yet. God Bless You!

Beautifully and honestly

Beautifully and honestly said!

*Not my monkeys
not my circus*

Honest and forthright. Well

Honest and forthright. Well said. I've spent over 5 years taking abuse from SO's adult children. I WISH I'd had the sense to know they will NEVER change and I was wasting my time.
I used to come to this page all the time looking for answers and support. I found it. "Disengage". Walk away. Move forward on your own. Give it up.
I'm still with SO but sadly, his children are 100% not welcome in our home or lives. He sees them on his own - and he buys me a spa treatment in lieu of going. He knows they are victims of Parental Alienation (look it up) and also, that they are entirely responsible, as adults, of the choices they make. (Talk about chaos and drama!!!). He is embarrassed of them. They have treated us both abominably - mostly in the name of God and religion. I've also rescued SO from THAT cult.
Stay strong. Live your kind, ethical, non-judgemental lives and stay far far away from people who cause you pain.

Those may be your thoughts

Those may be your thoughts and real feelings, but some things should be kept to oneself or only for this board. I would never share anything like that in person. Yes, it may be true, but a lot of truths one keeps to oneself.

Love!!! Thank you so much for

Love!!! Thank you so much for this. I was starting to feel terrible and alone.

I have to say; wish I had

I have to say; wish I had written this when I married DH 37 years ago. I tried to be the model SM and like warm jello, it didn't set up.

I like that you vented that

I like that you vented that letter here;. I don't like my stepson for a myriad of reasons but I keep it to nice and polite small talk for as short a period of time as possible. If I never saw him again, it would be too soon, if I'm honest. I say that as long as you are venting here or some place like this and not sharing it with the skids, all is good.