Weekend - and DH is on the road again. And again. And again..
Almost weekend ! We all look forward to spending some time with our SO's on the weekend, after a hectic week, right ? Well, not in THIS house ! 2 or mostly 3 weekends out of the month, DH will be on the road again, all weekend, non stop starting Friday night.
Picking up SD from sports practice at 7;30 ( 45 min trip one way )Friday night. Home around 8.15.
Sat morning - up at 7, to drive SD to gymnastics meet 1.5 hr one way. At 11, SS12 has tennis practise ( so he leaves the meet, runs to practise, back then to pick SD 8 back up ). SD 8 has a birthday party to attend from 2-4 , not worth driving all the way back, so DH will sit in a coffee shop waiting for party to end. That makes DH gone Saturday from 7 AM - 5 PM, best case scenario. Ok.
Sunday - 9 AM , kids to be driven to their religious school. Ends at 12 ( 3 hours, insane but whatever ). Back up there to pick them up. SS 12 ( who is a straight A student ) is forced by BM to have an hour extra tutoring for an upcoming sience test ( WTF, why ?? ) , so DH and SD 8 will go to a bookstore while SS12 has his hour of tutoring . Its prob around 2 PM on a Sunday now. DH promised me for weeks that he would pressure clean our patio on Sunday afternoon and has just dropped on me that after the tutoring, SS12 has a flute recital for 15 minutes for an upcoming school band performance at 4 PM ! ( so 45 min back from tutoring, an hour or so at home, back 45 minutes to flute recital, 45 min back ). Prob around 6 PM by then.
This is the weekend with SKIDS, month after month, year after year. Dont get me wrong. I do not need to be babysat, i am disengaged, and i do enjoy NOT having skids here during the days on weekends. I am however, sick and f'ing tired of being stuck with a big house, a huge garden ( in the south, yard work all around ), i mow, i weed, i cut, i lay pavers, i wash windows, i do every single thing necessary for the upkeep of the house while DH does NOTHING else than shuttles SKIDS from one event to another.
Since when do kids dictate every single second of every day of the weekend ? Since when have kids been elevated to a religious figure, worshipped and driven and accomodated 24/7 ? Please do not tell me that i could come along to these events. I work full time and will not spend my weekend sitting in stinky gymnastics halls watching overweigth little girls doing a cartwheel while BM's with tears in their eyes pretend the Russian Olympic Gymnastics team is giving a performance, or watch a boring tennis practise ( high pitched shrill cheers every time SS12 manages to hit a ball , which is rare ) I have a house, a yard, pets, responsibilities.
There will be a come to Jesus meeting Monday evening after skids have left, trust me. Anybody else have a DH who is on the road all weekend playing taxi for Skids ?
LadyFace - right on.
LadyFace - right on.
Lady Face hit the nail on the
Lady Face hit the nail on the head.
In all honesty parents are too busy trying to be MOTY or DOTY like it is some type of competition with their friends and neighbors.
My parents also didn't spend all their time with me, they simply couldn't and I was fine with that. They dropped me off for all my sports activities and were there for my bigger plays or roles and any major games. They. Did. NOT. Have. To. Be. At. Every. Function.
Some parents want to be there
Some parents want to be there for everything. That doesn't mean they are in some silly competition with others. Some people actually enjoy this.
I'm son is 24. I'm always willing to jump in and help my sister and BIL out. So are my parents. As a result, my nieces and nephews always have at least one person from our family at all of their events.
Seriously? You're attending
Seriously? You're attending your kids' events because you're *that* worried about them being molested? And you think molestations happen out there in the field, on the court, or in front of the audience where you'll see it and prevent it?
It's a child-centric world now - and it's upside down. I did sports all my life as a kid too - my parents weren't at my games - they had other things to do. Most parents these days are afraid of pissing their kids off...or they don't have much of a life outside of them - once the kids grow up and move out they're left with their spouse and end up getting divorced because they never put energy into their relationship - they put all of it into their kids. It's upside down and it's happening all over. Although I think the trend may be starting to turn...
Why is it so hard to
Why is it so hard to understand that some parente actually enjoy attending their children's games and practices??
This isn't new. I'm 47 and some parents were doing this when I was a kid. Parenting isn't a one size fit all thing.
LOL Sally, trust me, there IS
LOL Sally, trust me, there IS a BM ( at 5'1 and 250 pounds, quite a lot of BM i might say ). She schedules appointments, tutoring , play dates, every event you can imagine on DH's weekends AND NON DH's weekends as well, and expects DH to shuttle skids to and from these events. This will change, trust me. I do not think kids need to be elevated to centers of the universe, with every adult in their life like little stars spinning around them. Sorry, do not agree and this is not how i will roll in the future. I understand kids need to go places, and i have no problem with that. However, a happy medium must be ( and will be ) found where DH can also fulfill his responsiblities at our house.
Sally i might consider that hot house but will grow something else in it lol
My DD played basketball for
My DD played basketball for 12 years. Received several state awards. Was recruited by every small college in our state and area, full ride schollys (she wasn't D1 material). She was eligible for state scholly anyway for her grades.
She walked away from ball when she graduated high school bc she was burnt out and her knees were already giving her problems. 99% of the kids out there will never get a extra curric or sports scholly, or have the grades to play in high school, or they just walk away. Only in their parents minds are they 'that good'.
It is annoying as a SP. But
It is annoying as a SP. But it is what most parents do. I loved doing all of that stuff with my kids. But I also remember being SOOOO flipping glad when my kids got their drivers license! It was liberating for ME. Lol
Parents are busy people. If DH is really not pulling his weight on the few weekends a month he does NOT have the kids, then make him pay for a gardener and a maid.
These years with his kid will be gone soon enough and all he will be left with are the memories. Do you really want one of his memories being you telling him to stop doing thing for and with his kids? And it will be worse if he actually does stop doing it. Mainly because in a few years when he rarely sees them, he will blame you for him not spending as much time with them when they were little.
Do I think you are wrong? Absolutely not. I know it is annoying. But I think you will regret trying to make him stop spending time running his kids around. I don’t know of any parent that is not BUSY with their kids at that age. It is only for a few years….let it be.
Sounds like a pretty normal
Sounds like a pretty normal weekend to me.
My sister and BIL have 4 kids~18,16, 10 and 9. They have been doing this for years. The oldest is in college, so he isn't in the mix now. The 16 year old can travel around the city by herself now so that just leaves the 10 and 9 year old to hauled around to dance, acting, African drums, choir, usher school, test prep....
Appreciate all your input...
Appreciate all your input... it is NOT like i dont want DH to drive SKIDS to events. What i dont want, is that Skids themselves, as well as BM , schedule all appointments on DH's weekends and Non DH weekends, every weekend, every day and expect DH to be the taxi, without having any regards to responsiblities he has otherwise, not even asking him. It is just presented as in " Dad, i need to go to xyz on Sunday ( no Bio kids here, so i am not asking for the world ). Regarding his memories... what about my memories ? SD is only 8. Will my memories be that for the next 8 years of marriage, i was basically be single each weekend or at least 3 out of 4 weekends? I think not. Not a normal weekend for me, sorry. I guess i am the evil stepdevil after all LOL
And this folks is why you
And this folks is why you shouldn't remarry till the kids are grown.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
THIS!!!!!
Clearly, he doesn't mind. If
Clearly, he doesn't mind. If he did, he would simply say no. He's making the CHOICE to play taxi. Then again some NC parents feel they are parents 24/7, not just during their court ordered time.
A wife isn't simply a "love
A wife isn't simply a "love interest." You take vows. To some, that means something. It means put energy into a *relationship.* Sure the kids need a father, and someone to care for them - but not at the expense of his marriage. These kids deserve to see a healthy family and relationship between a father and his wife - and if his wife is forever unhappy or feeling neglected, that that's his error and he needs to find a way to mend it. The children will only see strife, and discord - and guess what? The cycle will continue and they'll jump in and out of relationships just like mom and dad and throw all their energy into the unconditional love of their kids too...why? Because it's easy. It's easy to love our offspring because they're beholden to us and usually it takes a *lot* of abuse to get your kids to dislike you. But a spouse is a bigger challenge - they're your equal and they require a meeting of the mind and heart. It takes work to make a relationship, work.
People putting all their value into their kids - that's great. But they don't see the damage their causing when the nuclear family is destroyed because they ignored their spouse. And then we stepparents step into the mess. Maybe we're crazy. Maybe we're asking for trouble...but often times we know the value of a relationship and can see the reality that sometimes bioparents cannot.
All I'm saying is that the marriage comes first, then the kids. If you don't agree to that, then don't bother with getting married - there's no point. Women who say their "kids are their life" - fine. Don't get married. How can you expect a single man, with no kids, and a good job and no baggage want to step into that? What is he getting out of this? He's expected to sacrifice his life for her kids and her life? Forget it. And the same goes for single, unmarried, childless women who step into a single Dad's life. Either he brings something to the table (your relationship) or you step out of it. If he prioritizes his kids over you - realize this one thing - it ain't gonna work. Kids grow up - kids move on, kids move out and create their own lives... Your relationship goes on.
oh i forgot - on NON SKIDS
oh i forgot - on NON SKIDS weekends ( the ones where they officially reside at BM, but actually reside in the DH taxi for most of the day ) DH is also doing dinner with skids each Sunday at 5.30 , they then come to our house to shower and get driven back in their pajamas to BM at 8.
Hey, its 2016 and things will change starting Monday
That is what I am wondering
That is what I am wondering as well. And why are the kids having dinner with him every Sunday night? Doesn't the BM want to have dinner with her kids on her weekend?
SS weekends here are hell. We
SS weekends here are hell. We live 3 hours away from SS and DH takes him to baseball and basketball practices and basketball practices, clinics, tournaments, etc.
So DH has to spend the weekend at his parents house.
When DH had Fridays off (this changed Jan 1) he would drive up to SS in the worst traffic, taking 4.5 hours to just get up there, to get SS after his practice at 9pm. Home by 1130pm or 12, then guess who has practice at 10am? Then a game Sunday afternoon. It just didn't work.
I feel the same way, I've got a house to keep up and we have lots of pets, and a baby coming in July. I'm not spending the night at my in-laws house every other weekend just so prince SS can play every sport on the planet. Let's be serious, there will be no scholarships for this kid unfortunately.
It would be one thing if we lived in the actual area, but we don't and we never will live in skidville.
I try looking at the positive. Ss isn't at my house making a mess, he's messing up grandmas house and eating all her and grandpas food!!
We can't ever get away or do anything on SS weekend's. I don't know when SS will ever have a free weekend to go to the cabin and fish with his new pole he got at Xmas.
LMAO!Your description of the
LMAO!Your description of the gymnastics meets! I coach club and HS you know what my Saturday looks like,aghhh!!!! (And its a 4 session)
Kids and events = no time for anything!
I can't wait for the day my oldest gets her license
I went to a comedy club and the comedian said after hearing about all the hustle and bustle parents do,she's grateful her kids are underachievers.
Keeping the kids busy is a
Keeping the kids busy is a good way to keep them out of trouble.
I grew up and still live in an area of Brooklyn,NY where black teens tend to head down the wrong path. Staying busy (and having a mom and stepdad who weren't afraid to bust our butts if we acted like fool :jawdrop: s)kept my sister and I from making stupid choices as kids/teens. We both raised out kids the same way. Keep them busy so they do not have the time or the desire to get involved with the negatives that plaque our community.
It worked for us. It worked for my son24 and oldest nephew 18. Now we just have to ensure it works for the last 3.
"LOL Sure, because your way
"LOL Sure, because your way is the only right way!"
At the end of the day, most parents want the best for their kids. The paths we take to ensure that may not be the same, but we're all reaching for the same goals.
Some parents are trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Some parents grew up this way, so they want their kids to have the same experiences.
There isn't one right way to get our kids across the finish line. We all do the best we can. As long as the kids and parents involved are happy, that is all the really matters.
Don't forget those legacy
Don't forget those legacy admissions! Mom went there...Dad went there...threw some $$$ to the alumni fund...
Colleges are money making machines...remember this - there is no altruism behind those ivy walls...
HRNYC, EoWE from Thursday
HRNYC, EoWE from Thursday evening till MOnday morning and every Sunday for dinner from 5.30-8 during school year. During school break 50/50. Also provides taxi services on BM's weekends , the only difference is that kids dont sleep at our house on those weekends. He gets hours to himself during his kids religious school - in fact, i will suggest he attend one himself because after our come to Jesus meeting on Monday, he might need it
I am jumping into the college
I am jumping into the college talk. As a mom who had a daughter graduate college at the age of 21 from a private prestigious university, I feel like I have something to add.
What her and I decided for her was to do one activity every term. Just one so she could focus on her grades as well. So starting in seventh grade on to being a senior, she did volleyball, mock trial, volunteer work through school, plays, AP courses, running start college classes, etc etc.
But she did not do a bunch of stuff every term. She focused on one thing at a time until 11th grade. It made her quite proficient in many different things. When she started mock trial, she fell in love with it and stuck to that for her junior and senior year of high school.
I do not think it's a value to over schedule a kid. Just let them experience of all rounded amount of things starting in seventh grade and on.
My son who is 16 has a 4.125 GPA. And his only obsession is film. So he does not take sports or other types of activities after school. He is strictly in the film program and thriving. And that's fine with me as long as he keeps his GPA up. Seriously, you should see the films these kids are making. It would blow your mind.
Last post on that one from me
Last post on that one from me ( OP ). There should be activities. Yes, DH should be involved. However, there should NOT be a complete and total domination of his time, every weekend, morning noon and night , even on weekends where they are with BM. There should not be an expectation that the DH Taxi shows up, at any time, on any day, wherever they need/want to go, without consideration of even asking.
I am very independant and disengaged, but i am no slave, or martyr for skids. DH can do as he pleases on weekends where skids are scheduled to be with him. On non - skids weekends, he will fulfill his responsiblities at our house ( I also own 2 rental properties and DH benefits from the income, but does not help ) FIRST before he puts the key in the ignition for the DH Taxi shuttle. On these days, skids have to miss out or BM has to fire up the old gas guzzler and drive them.
I see nothing wrong with
I see nothing wrong with asking this of your DH.
WOW I was just talking to a
WOW
I was just talking to a few of my girlfriends. One is an assistant principal and the rest are teachers here in NYC. We were talking about salaries in our buildings. Pretty much counting the number of teachers in our schools who have hit the 100K mark. Each of us had the music teachers on our lists.
i'd hire u, puppy! all u
i'd hire u, puppy! all u need here is two years of college, doesnt matter what field or major!! the state laws governing this particular industry dont specify - you'd have no problem getting in!
that lack of a piece of paper also limits me - i run this place and know all the ins and outs, have been here almost 15 years, and i also do the on-the-job training to teach the people with the degrees. and yet there are a few forms i am prohibited from actually signing cuz my file is missing that one particular document.
^^^ This. Kids need to
^^^ This. Kids need to understand the money-making machine of the world now. Your liberal arts degree ain't takin' anyone anywhere... It's STEM all the way. Get your kids into computers, engineering (especially girls if they can handle it)...medicine - OR - a trade school.
And it really doesn't matter where you went to college (I'll slip in an aside for some of those Ivy Leagues...I worked at a top law firm in Boston and they roll out the red carpet for some of their own...)...but mostly if you put the work into college, it doesn't matter where you went. Get a good GPA, get some work under your belt, and climb the ladder like everyone else.
Your skills matter. Your work history matters. Where you went to college? Doesn't really matter. And all those extra-curricular activities you took in high-school? They won't mean sh*t once you're in the working world.