Finally had enough courage to join Step Talk and vent!
It's taken me 6 years to get to this point, so once the rant starts I don't know when it'll stop.
My DH and I have been together 6 years and we have an amazing time, I waited a long time find him. I have a 17 year old BD and my DH has a 13 year old and 11 year old BD's. The oldest and youngest are great, normal, well balanced members of the family.
But I hate my 13 year old SD - she is fat, spiteful, deceitful, malicious, manipulative, she lies all the time, she's stolen from us, been caught shop lifting, taken my BD clothes and cut them up (most probably because she's too fat to fit in them), drawn on our walls, draws on her bedding, has dirty hygiene habits. She swears at us, I've seen her punch and kick her dad. 2 years ago she made me very ill and I ended up on Prozac - she threatened to tell people we were abusing her because she didn't get her own way (to be clear, she was the only one that was doing the abusing, to us!). She is loud and crude. AND I HATE HER!
Because of her we do nothing as a family, I won't go out with them because she is too embarrassing. I dread her coming to stay. We are dysfunctional when she is with us.
And what does DH do about it? Nothing! He tries to keep the peace and not upset her. We tread on eggshells all the time. And he doesn't tell her off or stop her coming. Our family is dictated to by the horrible, nasty child! And I hate it! We all have to accommodate her and her behaviour. I'm worried about my BD, she doesn't want to be in the house when SD is here, I'm worried she will move out of home because of her!!
We've been too counselling with SD and also had her assessed to see if there was a mental health issue, and the results...... There is no issues, she is just a horrible and destructive person.
I pray for the day she doesn't want to come anymore, it can't come soon enough!
And why do I feel incredibly guilty about saying this?! I googled this site so many times to read blogs about step children which helped me think I'm not a bad person who should be thoroughly ashamed for being an adult that feels this way about a child.
Thanks for you comments, good
Thanks for you comments, good to know I'm not alone
As for SD's weight, it's not an issue in the family. She is never called names or ridiculed for it. She is supported and encouraged to eat a balanced diet, the same as all of our children.
I did say my rant was 6 years in the making with a lot of frustration
Welcome, I hope you find this
Welcome,
I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.
As for your toxic, lard assed abusive SD. My condolences to you and your family. This has absolutely nothing to do with her weight of course and everything to do with her behavior and total lack of character. I find with people like your SD-13 total accountability and absolute ass barring in public works well. If she does not bathe, leave her in the car when the family goes out to dinner. If she does not keep her toxic mouth shut then her dad makes her life a living hell. If she destroys other's belongings she gets no belongings. One set of clothing including underwear, purchased from the granny section of the local thrift store that she can wash daily. That is it. She will bathe daily and she will wash her one set of very embarrassing clothing daily or she will be bathed... in the backyard with a hose, bucket and scrub brush. Put her in the back yard in a tarp walled shower and give her the choice. Go inside and shower and wash her one set of clothes or be showered outside with her clothes on. It matters not. Either way her body and her clothes will be cleaner than they usually are.
Any parent can out maneuver any child. It just takes committing to a required result, consistent application of consequences or positive reinforcement depending on the needs and behavior of the child and sticking to the effort until the result is achieved. Old age, experience and creativity will beat youth and inexperience every time.
IMHO purging the situation of emotion is the way to go. Emotion tends to distract the parent from parenting and tends to give the toxic kid wiggle room to manipulate.
So, when a kid is as toxic as your SD-13 appears to be they should have only once choice. Compliance or consequence. That is it. Beyond that very basic decision they have no free will nor should them IMHO.
You attempted to get her professional help and the professionals told you she has no issues other than being an evil person devoid of character (I paraphrase). So, quit letting her manipulate and play your families emotional heart strings and protect your family from her. She complies by behaving or she suffers. No emotion needed.
This will result in one of two things. 1. She corrects her behavior. Or. 2. She never infects your home and family with her toxic presence again.
Both are positive results based on what you have shared.
All IMHO of course.
I would feel a responsibility
I would feel a responsibility to my own kids (and sanity) to keep them away from such an out of control teen. Your daughter cannot get back these years, and I would have serious concerns about how this step siblings behavior is effecting her.
To be clear: I do not buy into this "families-stick-together" nonsense. If something isn't working out, and your husband won't send her little ass to boot camp, then you are well within your rights to issue an ultimatum: "she goes/gets professional help/is sent somewhere that can address her issues...or we leave."
Your life is far too short to spend with in a situation where a brats father is more concerned with placating her than with protecting innocent family members from her bullshit. He's showing who is #1 in his book.