father and 11 year old daughter
Just wanting some advice on my situation.My partner is a single father and he has 1 daughter who is 11 years old.
he has his daughter full time and she goes to her mothers every second weekend.
I have 2 daughters 3 and 6 yrs old. I havent really grown up with my father and therefore I am unsure if I am just
overreacting or is this relationship between my partner and his daughter not normal.
when i stay at his house she spends hours crying or laying on the bathroom floor upset because she is jelous of
her dad and I spending time together. up until earlier this year my partner and his daughter slept in the same bed together
for years which has now stopped obviously with me and him being together,she crys and acts sick wanting attention.
now that I have come along, she feels left out.some nights he has spent hours laying in her bed to try and get her to settle
and go to sleep and I just lay in bed and wait for him while he cuddles her to sleep.
When we are together around his daughter, any kind of attention he gives me like a hug and kiss, his daughter turns to him
and kisses him on the lips. if we are sitting in the lounge room and he will lean over and hold my hand or show me affection
so his daughter sits on top of his lap and lays on him and gives him a scalp massage. when we are at the shops or anywhere and
we hold hands, his daughter will hold his other hand too. One day I had a sore back and he said he would give me a back massage
ad his daughter turned around and said...why would you give her a massage and not me? I dont understand why she would even expect
her father to give her a massage and I dont think its appropriate for a 11 year old to sit on her fathers lap or lay on top of him.
I dont mind being affectionate with children but i feel like their relationship is a littl over the top.
I just feel extremly uncomtable in her company and the way she is with her father.
Also he calls her bub and he also has been calling me the same and I kinda feel like he treats us the same in the way
being affectionate and calling me and her beautiful and so on. to me I feel like the affection you share with your children
isnt or shouldnt be the same that you show to a partner if you know what I mean.
and also he doesnt see anything wrong with going into the bathroom while his daughter undresses or is having a shower
which I also dont agree with especially when she has started developing breasts and pubic hair.
one day he made me a coffee and she told him to put poison in it and other comments she has made when his mother wished me
a safe trip home, his daughter said..i hope you dont. but he seems to think she is just joking and those things are ok.
Also one day we were hoping in the car and she asked her dad if she could sit in the front ( and me sit in the back seat)
and than she acted up and cried in the backseat after he said no.
anytime we are together she tries to walk in between us, copy any affection he shows towards me andjust follows
him around and always has to hang of him and be affectionate with him.
I have told him that I dont like how i feel when I am around his daughter and it feels like he has 2 girlfriends.
His daughter stayed at her nans one night and spoke to him on the phone and she asked her dad that when she came home,
she didnt want us to have Se* while she was in the house because the bed is to loud. ( i admit the bed is loud,
but for a daughter to tell her dad he isnt allowed to ...) and he wouldnt do it after she asked him.
Also we speak on the phone alot every day but he will not speak to me in the morning before he goes to work or when
he gets home from work until he has put his daughter to bed because it upsets her when we talk because she is jelous.
he says he wont talk to me on the phone because he doesnt get to spend alot of time with her, but I just feel funny knowing
he wont speak to me in her company because that may upset her.
I really do care for my partner alot and I am very happy in our relationship when his daughter isnt there,
but I find it hard to be around her as it makes me feel very uncomftable when she is like this,
I do understand that he isnt showing her all the attention when I am there but we always involve her and dont push her
aside. I feel I make a big effort with her, I have never said anything to her about any of this acting out.
My partner and I want to live together and make this relationship work, but I am worried she may get worse than she is
and I am not going to be happy. Has anyone every dealt with a simular situaion or can give me some honest answers
to know if this kind of relationship is normal between a father and a daughter?
Agreed..way over the line. My
Agreed..way over the line. My SD11 acts very similiar to yours...she is extremely jealous, clingy, overbearing, annoying, and over the top immature. She has got to be laying all over her father if she is in the same room...telling she loves him 10 times an hour while grabbing his face and kissing him on the lips. I find it way inappropriate. She doesn't sleep in the bed with us but does sleep with her grandmother. I guarantee though that if I wasn't there she would be in the bed with her father. In his eyes she is still this 5 year old...she knows this and acts the part to get the most attention possible. She lives with us full time too so there is no break from her. My DH nor my MIL hold her accountable because again they still see her as a 5 year old. She has no responsibilities...not even to clean her room or feed her animals. She doesn't eat the food that is made at mealtime but instead her father will make her something else, take her to fast food restaurant or let her eat candy or other junk food.
I am having a very hard time understanding the way that DH and MIL think. I have my own children and have a completely different way of thinking. I want my children to be independent and have goals...be pleasant to be around...raise them to be strong and happy.
MINI WIFE/BM "DO-OVER"
MINI WIFE/BM "DO-OVER" SYNDROME ALERT!!!
Adult Spousal Status Richter Scale just jumped to a 9.8
WHOOOOOOOOPPPP! WHOOOOOOOOPPPP! WHOOOOOOOOPPPP! WHOOOOOOOOPPPP! WHOOOOOOOOPPPP!
If your bf does not
If your bf does not acknowledge that this behavior is inappropriate you have a long road ahead of you. I have this same issues with my SD9 but to a lesser extent. She wants daddy to sleep with her and sit in his lap and come in between us when we are in the family room, etc. She is so clingy to the point where he can't even go to the bathroom without her freaking out because she can't find him. I finally had it this weekend when he was laying on the couch and she comes and lays in a way so that he is the big spoon and she is the little spoon if you know what I mean. She then proceeded to drape her legs all over him and I had enough. I pointed it out and at first he said the same thing they all say "She's just a kid. She's only nine. Etc." Whatever, it's gross.
Anyway, after I pointed it out to him he noticed it more when we would go to a restaurant and she would lay her head in his lap (!) and want to sit in his lap in public. We are still working on fixing it but one of the suggestions I got was to let them have a regular daddy-daughter date since she so clearly wants his attention. During this time he can focus his attention on her. During the rest of the time, she has to share him with not only me but her sisters as well. I'll let you know how it goes, but I just wanted to let you know I feel your pain. I was lucky that my DH noticed it and acknowledges that it makes me uncomfortable. Hopefully yours will come to his senses as well.
You arent over reacting, you
You arent over reacting, you are reacting quite well impo.
This situation is toxic and your BF is confusing parental love with ensuring his daughter has healthy boundaries, in order to truely love your child and put their welfare first you should be willing to put rules in place to cap any excessive, needy behaviour. It sounds like your bf enjoys the fact his daughter *needs* him and displays this so much, he has given her so much power she is able to dictate when you can speak/be affectionate/have sex and generally just *be* together.
Most children in stepfamily situations are jealous of any attention taken away from what they see as their right, but this is dramatically increased when one parent places a child in the role of surrogate partner. This is emotionally abusive for the child btw, because all children need to learn their place in the family in order to be content and secure within the family unit.
How do you see this resolving itself? Right now, your relationship with sd and bf is going down the pan and really sd isnt happy deep down. She may have shortlived glee when she gets her way and gets inbetween you both, however if she was really happy she would be secure of her love with her father and her importance to you both - so much so your relationship would be more harmonious and balanced (as much as it can with a preteen!)!
Your bf is pitting you both against one another, in competition and tbh thats sick. She is a child, doesnt get to rule the roost and your bf should be respecting you more. He isnt.
Read these:
http://www.joy2meu.com/EmotionalIncest.html
http://csmchat.weebly.com/treat-daughter.html
http://csmchat.weebly.com/dethroning.html
http://csmchat.weebly.com/guilt-parenting.html
http://steptalk.org/node/5359
http://steptalk.org/node/53595
He sounds like he already has a girlfriend. This is a bad case of treating the daughter like a spouse. Tell him he needs to stop this or you will move on.
I'd print everything on these
I'd print everything on these links and leave them on the counter for him to see and read. Then I'd leave.
Thanks everyone for your
Thanks everyone for your replies
Its good to hear this is just not me overthinking things.
my bf is getting so frustrated with me because I keep telling him how unhappy I am when I am around
him and her and he keeps telling me I need to stop feeling negative and just give it time.
his daughter says to him that she is worried he is going to get up and leave and move away with me
and tell her she is has live with her mother. he keeps telling her that will not happen.
he says that her mother done this to her daughter, she met another man and moved 2 hours drive away and she started living with dad full time. he thinks I need to put my feelings aside and relize she is just feeling left out and worried her dad will walk out on her.
Believe me I completly feel for his daughter, I understand why she is acting the way she is.
In her eyes I have come along and pushed her aside because now he gives me attention, now he sleps in bed with me.I dont blame her for feeling this way. And I have told him that I think its inappropriate to share a bed with his daughter and to enter the bathroom while she is showering. I have told him that I dont want to move in the house and than she may worsen and he keps saying that he cant change the way she feels, and if she doesnt come around and change she has to go live with her mother because he will not loose me over his daughter carrying on. but that in itself is so wrong, how can i live with myself knowing because of me she may be told to live with her mother who she does not want to live with. and especially her age being 11 years old she is entering teenage years, hormones and i dont want her life affected because of me. I was raised by a single mum and i was a horrible teenager and I know understand
the way she feels and I dont blame her. I do care for his daughter and dont want her to be hurt because to be honest I feel that none of this is her fault, my bf raised her this way and made her so dependant on him and its not fair to now push his daughter away and hurt her. I have said this to him may times.
he just keeps saying I need to give her time to relize he wont leave her, but I keep saying to him if that was really the only problem, how can he assure her it wont happen when he has told me if she doesnt change she has to go live with her mother. I am at the point where I am going to walk away from this relationship to save his daughter anymore hurt, because none of this is her fault and I feel so sorry for what she must be going through. Its extremly hard for me to sit back and be in that position and at the same time still treat her nice after I am feeling unhappy and than to make aneffort with his daughter.
Her and I do get along and she is great with me when its just us 2 but i know the minute her dad steps in the room she changes and its competition time between him and his 2 girlfriends.
I cannot believe how many people actually have this exact same problem.
I love my daughters very much and I show them alot of attention and love but in different ways than my bf shows this to his daughter.