Skids both have the abiility to pull off 4.0, however they are both lazy and have never been taught to apply themselves or do homework, projects etc. So their marks are in the 2.0 if not lower ALL the time.

My fear is we will have to help pay for college and we might as well piss our $ out the window, because neither will make it. It frustrates me because I don't have the $ to help my kids further their schooling without taking out huge loans to do so....and their marks are very good AND they ALWAYS do homework and assignments....it's so frustrating.

BM will push them to go to college because that means she will still get support and we will have to help pay for schooling as well....when we know they will drop out after all that $ is invested. It makes me sick.

Corie

My children all graduated from college. They basically took out loans. We (biodad) helped with car insurance, free rent, emergencies & emotional support.

Dh's kids will also pay for all their college. Their bio mom can keep them like I kept mine.

It is not wise (unless you can afford it) to pay for college for kids if you are taking from your retirement to do it. In fact, it is stupid in most cases. (just my opinion----don't throw tomatoes.)

I paid for my own college---I wanted my parents to retire early. They offered and I refused.

They can live at home and attend community college for 2 years. This way they can work part time & pay for most everything.

since it was too much of a hassle for my mom to get CS out of my dad. I left home at 18, got student loans and paid them off myself.

I tried to help my 22yo BD pay for her college. She kept screwing up (not wanting to get up early for class, forgetting assignments, trying to do too much at once) so I nixed the help I was giving her. She's starting back, but she has to pay it herself. My 20yo SS has attended two semesters of college (not back to back). He stated he does not want to go anymore after this one. I don't know if SD will go to college or not. I think my BD 11 will go. Her dad and I will split the cost -at least as long as she behaves..

Einstein's definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

I hope our SD will go to school, her grades are borderline too though. Her state says that all three parties (BM, DH and SD) must contribute to cost. If you don't keep a certain average in college, they put you on academic probation, then if you don't improve you are kicked out. So if they screw up you won't have long to pay anyway!

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

DH did his best to support his 5 kids through college. All of them had marginal grades and "wanted to go to college." Trouble is, they didn't want to do the work it takes to get through.

The first one, SD26, made it, and will graduate next year. It's likely that she'll step up and repay the loans DH co-signed for her.

SD24 failed beauty school, then failed college. She is defaulting on the loans DH cosigned with her, and DH's credit report may be destroyed because of it. SD24 doesn't care--party, party, party!

SD22 is working her way through nursing school. At some point along the way she learned to apply herself and make an effort. No loans on this one, and there's some hope.

SS21 failed high school, got a GED, failed community college, and failed art college. DH cosigned on $30,000 of loans, and will probably have to eat the payments. DH wanted to give SS21 "a chance."

SD18 failed high school, scraped a GED in another state, and "wants to go to college" on the days when she is not high as a kite. DH has no plan to help her, and he can't anyway-he's taken out too many loans for the rest of them.

So now DH has cosigned on $125,000 worth of student loans for his adult kids, and will likely have to assume payments as they each declare bankruptcy.

I hope someone can learn from my DH's mistakes. If your kids are not college material and they don't give a $hit in high school, then DON'T cosign on student loans hoping that some miracle will occur!

My SD is only 11 but here is what we will do with her if she wants to go to college. She has a problem applying herself so we told her we would help pay for her college expenses after each report card. She will pay for her tuition and books up front and then we would reimburse her expenses for each class she got a B or higher in. We hope this will help her apply herself and motivate her to get better grades. I am not sure if she will go to college but she knows this is th way it will work.

I hope that skids go - they are very young still, but the way bm is going, they won't be held to any standard and I am sure bm will expect dh to pay for college.

He thinks he is going to be helping them out, but i don't see how, as we have no credit between us and can't get any for several years. we are living on his pay and making ends meet, but neither of us is any good at saving.

I think we should start telling the kids now to start saving THEIR money, and teach them good study habits (which dh is lax on)and plan to earn scholarships for college. I just don't see how we will do it.

be surprised as to how many kids don't really want to go to college. If they are not good students from the beginning, (with the high cost of school nowadays) plan on community college (even that---they really don't want to do).

If they are good students----that is another ball of dough.

My two SS's learned to read early, had large vacabularies - they both seemed really smart. Here's what happened.

SS 24 started doing drugs at 15 and now it doesn't appear there is much upstairs. I'm not kidding he seems to have dulled his intelligence somehow. He lost all motivation for learning when getting high was a daily priority, but managed to graduate from high school (but without the required classes to apply to state universities in my state). He started junior college twice, both times dropping or failing all classes and quitting. Now he delivers pizza, a job he says he loves (I actually think he is telling the truth - more evidence of nothing upstairs). The only time we tried to help him financially with school, he of course failed all classes so we didn't help him the next attempt - dropped all classes the second go round but at least it wasn't our money. Probably we will not help him with school unless he goes a while on his dime and actually gets some credits.

SS22 started and then quit - wasting about $20K of our money in the process. He finished one semester, and didn't tell us he wasn't coming back - went to BM's for Christmas and just... didn't.... return to school. Of course we had already paid for spring semester, mostly unrefundable. That didn't go over very well. A year later he started again, on his dime. After a semester we decided he was serious and started giving him a monthly allowance of $500. He took out loans for the rest, which we told him we would pay off IF and ONLY IF he graduated. This was our attempt to protect ourselves somewhat from idiot SS's that quit school on our dime syndrome. Well on June 27 his is graduating. I have never been so happy to have to pay for something.

Of course my perfect BS23 graduated in 4 years, my BD21 is finishing junior year and has a kick ass internship lined up ($25 an hour).

Why is it always that your kids are squared away and the skids are screwed up.

People with skids that don't do drugs and get arrested and make idiot decisions and mooch off everyone probably don't come to this board!!!

So there's probably a whole contingent of stepparents out there who could say "my skids marched straight off to college and finished in four years and never come round with their hand out".

Anyway, my biokids' SM can say that!!

It came from having undiagnosed ADD and severe depression.

I could only get into state schools.
My first semester I got a 3.8 (rare for a freshman first semester with my former GPA.) Don't sell her short, BUT don't pay for it. I ended up dropping out the first time around (pressured from my exH to work full time b/c we were living together). BUT...

Then in my 30's I went back, spent every semester but 2 on the Deans list (out of nine semesters) and graduated magna cum laude (3.7 GPA).

I paid for it myself and that was a huge motivator in finishing. I always felt I wasted my parents money from going for a year and a half and only coming out with 32 credit hours, BUT....years later those transferred as electives and helped me graduate several semesters before I would have this time.

SD should be motivated on her own or she won't do well. I know it's tough to see kids not want to attend college, but it's not the end of the world. They can go back later.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

I told my H that SD was not ready for college and should work first- he didn't listen.
He paid for two semesters of college tuition, a dorm room, meal plan, a used car, a new computer, everything to furnish the dorm, books, etc. Ended up spending around $15,000. She flunked out the first semester, didn't use her dorm room or meal plan, just slept and ate at home. Enrolled again, insisiting that she needed to live at home and drive to school in order to study- he bought a car. She dropped out.
Now lives at home, with a failed year of college behind her, and is working, like I suggested to begin with. The furnishings he bought her for the dorm room are in the basement. The computer is unused. She uses his car while the one he bought her sits there(because it's not new) and ALL of his money was wasted.

Kids who want to do well in college need to be taught to earn good grades in high school so they can get scholarships- no one taught me that, and no one paid my tuition, so I ended up with huge loans.

Kids who don't show in high school that they are serious students are not just going to turn around and succeed in college- they will pull the same BS, especially if someone else is paying for it.

I like the idea of having the kid pay up front, and if the grades are good, pay after each report.

If you have the money, you could have the kid take a loan, and then pay the loan after the report if it's good, and don't pay if it's bad.

In the end it will also help the kid's credit because they'll have a quickly paid loan on they're report.

I will never cosign for my son or pay anything for his college. I will save for my own retirement instead. He can get loans or scholarships for himself. Parents are here to raise kids to be independent adults, not just buy a life for them when they grow up.

oh, I think it was Nymh who had to prove she was independent

I was watching some finacial planner on television say that it is not wise to pay 100% of the costs for a child's college tuition. He suggested agreeing beforehand to a set amount be it 25%, 50% or 75% according to your finances. He felt that we make children more responsible, by holding them accountable for their education as well. THis in turn will hopefully make them more responsible students when they see that they can spend the money to get ahead or piss it away and lag behind.

DH and I like this approach for many reasons. 1) we can't afford college with the way the economy is 2) We get absolutely NO help from BM 3) We believe in holding our kids responsible for their actions. DH and I have both gone back to school (on our dime) to achieve our degrees. DH will finish in about 4 more months. I have about 10 classes remaining, much slower pace due to time and money constraints. BD received a scholarship and we only pay for her meals (her housing, tuition, books - all paid for). SD & SS have been told from a young age that there will be no free ride. We will help, but we will not hold the bulk of the responsibility. Skids are very bright students and are usually straight A's or an occassional B or B+ ever since they came to live with us. They are now entering 6th and 8th grades and if they continue this route academically I don't see any reason why they would not get scholarships or some portion of their education paid for. They know up front that college is expected of them. If they should decide not to attend college, they must be gainfully employed working towards something by the fall after they graduate high school.

They don't get it now, but I'm sure they will later because we don't care that "so-so's parents don't care if they get bad grades." They are starting to see for themselves through the opportunities that have opened up for them for having good grades. Field trips, Summer Science Academy, National Junior Honor Society, Honor's Classes, etc. while their friends with the average grades have to sit home or remain in class when they have special outings. They do have moments where they want to laze through, but they realize that it is not an option.

I feel your frustration, because it was hard to get them to work hard and do their best initially. Now it is ingrained in them and they work hard the majority of the time and slack on occassion. I just pray that this continues once they are in high school. Although I think it will, at least for SD because she is trying to get a scholarship to get into a private high school. Only time can tell. Wish me well.

Hang in there. I think my saving grace was that the kids were 5 & 7 when they came to live with us and we were able to undue some of the damage that was done from living with BM. We were also able to set rules and consequences at our home that was different from BMs home such as STRUCTURE and STABILITY. We laid it out early that the adults made the decisions in our home and not the children. I think oftentimes they know when they are wrong, they just like arguing for the sake of arguing about issues. It's just harder with teenagers when you don't have full control.

In all the craziness that is in our blended family lives, this is one aspect about our children- they are ALL good students (and don't think DH and don't get down on our knees and give thanks to God every day about that!)

The motto in our home has always been "Your first job is a student."
Luckily, it's stuck with them. DH and I both have degrees (mine in education and DH is a practicing attorney) so education in the home has always been paramount. Schoolwork and all things school-related always came first. That's one of the reasons my oldest SD moved in with us FT last April, because she knew in order to get into a good college, she'd have to 'buckle down' and focus 100% on schoolwork, and she couldn't do that with all the distraction at BMs house- too much partying going on there!

Their other parents do not think that education is important. They will not pay for college or think it is necessary. All our kids want to go to college- they've been thinking about their possible choices since middle school. Even my son, who just finished his freshman year, is thinking in terms of doing more unique service activities in order enhance his college application and set him apart from other applicants.

My oldest SD starts at The George Washington University in DC in the Fall. She'll be studying at the journalism program and we are very proud of her. However, leave it to her to pick the most expensive school in the country ($50K/yr + expenses- GASP!!! Where's my inhaler?)

But if she works hard, and continues to achieve good grades, DH will continue to pay for her tuition. Same with the other three. (My older son has special needs, so college is not an option for him)

Even the "horrible" SD16, with all her faults, is an excellent student. She maintains a 3.95 GPA and is setting her sights on doing even better in her Junior year (all by her own standards- not ours- we think she's doing great. She feels she can do better)

And even the youngest, who enters 8th grade this year, is at the top of her class (I think she's the smartest of the 3 girls, in fact).

For us, having to foot the bill 100% for four children to go to college is a little pricey, but because they are such good students, we're still counting on maybe a few scholarship dollars to come our way (fingers crossed) we hope they'll contiune to work hard for it. If not, maybe the gravy train will have to come to an end...

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

you on this one. My dh tells his daughter (24 YEAR OLD----barely graduated from a continuation high school) that she will be a doctor!!!!! She hasn't gone to college, is not enrolled in college, just talks about maybe taking a class in some near future!

ARE THESE PEOPLE CRAZY????????????

 I would set limits on each term of college ( community college being required for the first 2 years, due to pricing). Just tell the skids that they need to keep their grades at B or above each semester, or you will NOT be paying for the next term - THEY WILL. Once they have paid for a term of school and gotten a B grade or above on each class, then you will pay the next semester, and so on. That will keep them on the straight and narrow. My mom gave me this ultimatum when I was a kid ( she was just a hardass) and I worked really hard to get a B in math, which I suck at. I nearly died of a panic attack when I took my math finals, but thank god it worked out. I got a Bachelors degree and never looked back. 

to pay for that semesters school expenses.  If they pass all classes with a grade mandated by the paying parent, the parnet will reimburse the borrowed money to the lender. No pass, no pay off.

It is also time for BM to learn that she can tell in one hand and shit in the other and figure out which one fills up first.

smh