Caved in again and miserable
I have told my BF several times that I will not go out in public with his kids who have hygiene issues and poor manners. I'm tired of people looking at me like I'm raising them this way when they catch a whiff or see the disgusting table manners.
Well, he begged last night for me to please go out to eat with them. He swore SD13 would eat with table manners. I'm not talking little things, the child rarely uses utensils, shoves huge pieces of food into her mouth, chews with her mouth open and makes wet smacking noises, does not use her napkin and either sucks the food off her fingers or wipes them on her pants. Her brothers do not do these things. She likes eating like this.
So we go and I'm sitting next to her. She orders a cesar salad, with dressing. She starts eating it with her fingers. BF corrects her and she grudgingly starts using a fork to mix things around messily on her plate. She shoves huge forkfuls of food into her mouth and I am feeling sick to my stomach listening to her chew and smack while her hair is hanging into her food also. BF corrects her again and she declares she knows what to do, she just likes doing it her way better. The diner was packed, every table around us was full.
I got up and left. I took a cab home and refused to talk to BF the rest of the night. I also walked out the night she was eating pizza and overstuffing her mouth then pulling the excess out of her mouth with her fingers to put back on her plate.
The school has addressed her poor manners in the cafeteria too, it's not just me complaining. Her mother thinks I have unreal expectations so we get no cooperation there. She has no problem with SD13 picking up meat with her hands and chewing off a (large) portion at a time in addition to the other poor manners I listed above.
Today BF said he won't insist I eat with her anymore but thinks I'm giving up on her. I'm not, but I reminded him one of my conditions of living with him is that she has to have at least basic table manner and that HE has to parent her, not me all the time. This is years we've been trying to teach her and getting nowhere.
My choices are continue disengaging during mealtimes until she stops eating like she was raised by a pack of wolves or sit there disgusted and keep my mouth shut about it and let her eat like a pig in public. I thought I'd post this and see what other people think about this. Is there another way I haven't thought of?
You did the right thing. He
You did the right thing. He is doing his daughter no favours by allowing her to eat like that. In fact the next time you all go out for dinner she has to stay at home.
She is 13 and old enough. Bring her home a Happy meal or something.
omgggg! Why why why! Who
omgggg!
Why why why! Who raises these kids to be like this!?
What about positive reinforcement with her??? has that worked?
We actually did try that, we
We actually did try that, we offered meal rewards... 50 cents a meal with deductions for poor table manners. She tried for awhile but wasn't making much each weekend so she stopped trying and the plan just fell apart.
13? Really? If I would have
13? Really? If I would have heard you describe her eating habits without knowing her age, I would have said 5-6, maybe up to 7, BUT 13? And even the school has addressed the issue. OMG, your BF needs to get a grip. WOW!
I agree with oneoffour, you absolutely did the right thing!
I've thought of that! LOL
I've thought of that! LOL But, I did watch a few episodes and sadly, Mama June is a better parent than BM is. :X
What does she think about it
What does she think about it or say about it? I would think a 13 yr old would be embarrassed by this. I feel sick just reading this.... Barf. You did the right thing.
She doesn't feel embarrassed
She doesn't feel embarrassed about anything, she has been taught by BM that she is "comfortable" and it's fine. I can't begin to tell you the embarrassing conversations with the school about her picking through the garbage for food and food on her clothes that she doesn't even bother to clean off. She's a little better these days on that end, but the table manners are going downhill rather than improving.
I mentioned during our talk
I mentioned during our talk this morning that she is young, she has this great big path ahead of her, but her table manners alone narrow the pool of choices in her life to a small fraction. What happens when she meets a great guy and he doesn't ask for a second date because he's disgusted on the first? What about a date who "goes to the bathroom" and actually leaves her sitting there because she's gross at the table? These things do happen and is that how she has to learn that her table manners impact her life? What guy is going to be ok with someone who eats like that being the mother of his children? Again, small fraction of society. It's not like she's brilliant or so charming and wonderful that someone could overlook that one flaw.
Let's add to the scenario that she likes to wear sleeveless shirts and will go a week or two without shaving her armpits....
These things do make a difference and he does know it, but he's struggling with how to deal with it eowe.
Is it possible her mental
Is it possible her mental growth has been stunted somehow? I have a cousin my family who sounds similar to the no shaving etc... and blatantly just unaware of how she is seen in public... She ended up being very immature in her teens and VERY dependent and diagnosed with OCD/extreme anxiety/arachnophobia.
The school did say she's very
The school did say she's very immature for her age. In a group of kids, she migrates to the 7-8 year olds which makes me think this is her maturity level. She's in a social skills group and BF is going to talk to the school social worker about the table manners again to see if she can address them in the group when school gets back in session.
I have a story about
I have a story about disgusting table manners.
We were in Norway in 2010. My 2 stepsons eat like pigs as well. They look liked neanderthals when they eat. I used to be mortified to go out to eat in public with them.
We were having dinner in this beautiful, quant hotel that is very upscale. A lot of the British are tourist there. If there is one thing I can say about the Brits is that they have exquisite table manners. They are dignified and very proper.
So in rambles our entire family and we sit down a table next to them. My SSons get their plates and go to buffet then sit down with their food and start attacking it like animals attacking prey. I could see the Brits looking on in horrified disbelief. They watched for about 5-6 minutes and then got up and moved to an outside deck. They were absolutely disgusted by my SSson. Like you, I was embarrassed beyond belief because I would never let my own children eat like such pigs.
I told the kids that those people were so grossed out and offended by their disgusting table manners that they moved to get away from them. It seemed to embarrass the boys and from then on they have tried harder and have actually learned how to properly use silverware instead of their hands.
There is hope! But I can totally empathize with you. I've been there!
I've always had a thing about table manners and not smacking your food or chewing with your mouth open. My kids were raised to eat with dignity.
Try shaming her, it might work.
YUCK!
I wish that would happen to
I wish that would happen to us! I'd relish the opportunity to show her that her manners affect others.
At 13? Now, if I was sitting
At 13? Now, if I was sitting in a restaurant next to you, I would think she is special needs or something. Nothing normal about a 13 year old eating like that!
So he just took the kids out
So he just took the kids out to dinner again without me this time. Others do notice and the dirty looks automatically go to the parents... in this case me and I'm not the parent. Hopefully he'll look around and see that others do notice.
My daughter told me she was going to get me a t-shirt, "Don't blame me, I'm not their mother" and even offered to throw in a matching hat and fanny pack. lol
I wouldn't be offering meal
I wouldn't be offering meal rewards at 13. I would be making a point of going out for meals when she was there, but getting her a babysitter. When you walked out, she got to go out for dinner, you didn't. She wouldn't care. In fact what she saw was, you had a problem, but daddy was fine with it. You leaving, understandably, was not the answer. Your bf as soon as you left should've backed you up and everyone should've left. She s a problem, he's worse. Now he says he won't force you to eat publicly with her again. He should be refusing to ever take her out for a meal until she shows some manners. If she cannot eat properly in the house, no more meals out for her.
I agree. I would refuse to
I agree.
I would refuse to let her go out to eat with us in public until she learned how to eat like a nice young lady and not an animal.
GROSS!
Excellent point, and
Excellent point, and triggered another thought on this whole thing. This morning I reiterated that I won't go out in public with these kids unless they learn manners and hygiene. Anywhere. He realized I meant vacations and trips too and that made him upset and sad. I told him to deal with the situation and make sure it gets corrected if he wants to do those things. Seeing as he's a private pilot and is accustomed to taking the kids on little jaunts for lunch and things, this poses a big problem for him. Maybe it's enough of a kick in the pants to get some real action taken. Thanks for your post that triggered that thought!
Hopefully, he gets the
Hopefully, he gets the message. Sometimes, it is just what you have to do as a parent. It isn't easy. When my kids were young, they were constantly at each other. Even in a restaurant, they would start arguing with each other, etc. We would take a little trip to the bathroom or outside to "discuss" the behavior, and they would behave the rest of the meal, but it would be months before we would go out again, and every time the kids would ask me why we weren't going to out to eat, I would remind them of their behavior the last trip out, and explain that if they think they could behave, we MAY try again. They eventually got that they had to behave themselves if they wanted to have fun nights out to eat.
In the same token, if one or both of them got into trouble before a planned fun weekend or something, it was cancelled. Yes, it hurt me, too...as I was looking forward to the fun event, but it would have done my kids no good to get into big trouble and still get to go have fun when they were supposed to be grounded. Sometimes we would reschedule the event for 2 to 3 weeks out, other times it was cancelled completely. It is just what you have to do!
Definitely look into the
Definitely look into the possibility of some kind of disorder, mental deficiency, or special needs diagnosis. What I find surprising is not just that she does it in public but at school. Most kids are very hyperaware of what other kids think especially at 13. It's still not acceptable of course but if there is an underlying reason for it, BF can at least address it.
Sounds like in any case, BM is living in denial, thinking this is normal. Eating sloppily is one thing but to actually pull food out of your mouth on purpose to replace on your plate? Yeah, that's pretty unusual.
Well, if it's just for attention: mission accomplished, kid!
That was my thinking...like I
That was my thinking...like I said above...if I saw that kid in a restaurant eating like that, my mind would immediately assume special needs kid! Just not normal, especially for a girl. I mean, 13/14 is usually when you see girls start being overconscientious about eating in public period. I remember high school...now, I wasn't one of the ones who cared...I was an athlete, and if I was hungry, I ate. But the "pretty" girls would all get like just fries and a soda, and eat like 6 fries over the course of 30 minutes, and throw the rest away, but then eat up the place when they got home!