Afraid to have SD16 in my home
I'm in a panic. SO is moving in after dating over a year. We are in love with each other and believe we belong together. The only issue is that he had a 16 year old daughter who lives with her mother. The mother is crazy. Both the SO and SD16 agree on this. Anyway, at first the SD16 was very accepting of me. I thought I had found the fairy tale situation. I don't have my own kids so I thought I could be a part of what my SO had meaning his daughter. It was just before christmas time and as it turns out she was only being sweet to me to improve her haul at Xmas because as soon as the gifts were gone so was her accepting and friendly attitude. It's as if I was ok if she could use me and if I wasn't going to stay and now that my SO has made it clear that we are going to make a life together and I'm not going anywhere she has been horrible and trys to ruin every weekend she is at SO's house and every outing we go on with her. The BM is manipulative and also trying to make us as miserable as possible. Asking unreasonable favors as if she wants to prove that SO is still her B. SD16 has lied to both of us frequently and has proven to be spiteful as well. I am so uncomfortable about the prospect of sharing my home with her! I'm afraid whe will tell the BM where I live and there will be drama. Apparently the BM is a drama person and wen don't know what she may be capable of. She once hit my SO over the head with a beer bottle and that was the final straw before he filed for divorce. They've been divorced for years. I've never had to deal with this before and I am considering ending the relationship because of the SD16 although I keep telling myself if I love him we can get through it together. I don't know what to do. My home is my sanctuary and safe place, but I feel like I will be letting an evil doer into my midst. Has anybody had a similar experience they have had to deal with? Does anybody have any advice that will help? I'm sick about this. Please help.
I would not have him move in.
I would not have him move in. If you do not want BM to know where you live and do not want even more drama, that is the only way.
SO should keep his own place and you keep your sanctuary, at least for now.
I read my own paragraph and
I read my own paragraph and the answer is pretty obvious isn't it. No matter what, sooner or later if we stay together we'll have to move in together (if we got married for example) and I would have to share a home with the daughter who is toxic and deal with the unbalanced X for the rest of my life. Even the father agrees the SD is manipulating us and can't be trusted and is fast becoming just like the BM. I don't want to live with her which may mean I can't have him. I would be devastated to lose him, but I have to feel safe first and I can't feel safe living with somebody I can't trust, even if it isn't on a full time basis. I so wished this would work out differently, but it seems from what I've been reading on this site my expectations (the three of us getting along together and loving each other) were unrealistic and total fantasyland.
Thank you for your help.
OMG don't do it! Maintain a
OMG don't do it! Maintain a separate household till the kid is 18. Hell, it's only 2 more years, you can handle that. Your home is your sanctuary and safe place right? It will soon become a place you do NOT want to return to if you know she's there. It will also shrink to the size of your bedroom, because when she's there, the bedroom is only place you'll want to be so you can escape and hide from her.
I'm not being overly dramatic here. Your SD16 sounds exactly like my SD14 when I first met her and DH (she was 12). Shit slid downhill from the minute she found out her father and I were serious about each other and I wasn't going away. She lied, manipulated, cried, threw fits, kicked my cat, tried to poison our fish, blatantly disrespected and disobeyed. I refuse to have her at my home any more. I can't trust her as far as I can throw a Buick. This child almost destroyed my PERFECT relationship.
PLEASE do not allow him to move in. Or if he does, he sees his kid away from your home. If she can't support you and accept you, she doesn't need to be there at all. Visitation is about her seeing her dad anyway.
I really honestly hope you keep your home your sanctuary and safe place and do not allow her to ruin that for you.
Completely agree! My DH's
Completely agree! My DH's kids are not allowed in my home. They are all adults; 2 were in their teens when DH and I met. Had they been living with DH, I probably would have run. Actually, one was living with him for a short time, and I almost ran. They are horrible, but they are with BM. They will never come here because I cannot trust them, and they are just so nasty.
As much as I love my DH, if he ever goes back on his promise to never allow them to move in here (2 want to), I will be gone.
You need to wait the 2 years, but remember it does NOT end at 18. However, she is still a minor, and she can ruin your peace of mind, and it sounds like she would love to do that.
She is old enough for you to
She is old enough for you to see the kind of person that she is. I think it's fair to say that this is a person that you NEVER want in your home. like never. not even for one night.
That's my arrangement with DH. SS has been homeless. But he is still not allowed to stay in MY home. ever. ever.
You need to have a serious discussion about this with SO.
This is my one fear. DH and
This is my one fear. DH and I agreed his kids will never move in here. Due to the fact that they and BM refuse to work, I can see them being homeless some day. Even if that happens, they will never come here. I could not stand it, and I would be living in hell. I know this. If DH went back on his word, I would have to leave.
Yup, sounds like your SD14,
Yup, sounds like your SD14, lied, cries every 5 minutes, seriously if you aren't watching what she wants to on TV she cries. I think she does it because it works when I'm not around and my SO has a spine when I'm there. If we go someplace her feet hurt and she wants to go home, but if there is something she wants to do her feet are suddenly cured. She complains if he shows me affection and I have to remind myself not to touch him when she's around or she'll mope and whine. I do have to give SO credit, he has told her that I am as important to him as she is and that he intends on me being a permanent part of his life. We have even sat down the three of us to talk but she won't say anything. We try to get her to open up but she isn't interested. She talks about the BM constantly even though my SO other has repeatedly told her he is not interested in anything she is doing. Last christmas she asked if SO could hang xmas lights because "it would make mom so happy". He replied "It's not my job to make your mother happy anymore. She'll have to hang up her own lights." The BM even asked if she could join us for christmas day and christmas dinner. The SO replied "No, Christmas is for myself, my girlfriend and daughter to share." The daughter complained the whole time during dinner that the BM wasn't there. I finally got fed up and told her that was enough and i didn't want to hear another word about BM as we were all trying to enjoy dinner. I was a little annoyed that SO didn't take care of that, but I had reached my limit. I said your mother chose to be alone (she had cheated on him so that is why she is alone although I didn't say that part out loud). She exclaimed "No she didn't!" Talk about fantasyland. Apparently I'm not the only one living there.
I'm so glad you were able to save your relationship. I hope I can do the same. I really love this guy. I'd have no reservations whatsoever at all if it weren't for the toxic baggage.
And about going to my room, My room will be HER room. We were going to make my room the guest room and bring SO's furniture over and put it in the master bedroom downstairs so she will probably be carving demon heads on my headboard upstairs and destroying whatever treasures are in there just to be ugly.
No no no no no. I feel like
No no no no no.
I feel like I am trying to talk someone down from a ledge. Please don't let her in your home.
I reflect 'sueu2's thoughts.
I reflect 'sueu2's thoughts. At first. But on further reflection I feel quite strongly that this girl will make her fathers life miserable for the rest of his life unless he remains single.
Of course in 20 years she might out-grow her childish ways but why wait? There are men out there without children you can chose from or men who's children are mature enough to accept a new wife. But vet those children closely to the point where you've spoken to them personally and privately in person and in effect ask permission. Only if you have a sense that they're accepting, not just parroting words, but honestly feel comfortable with Dad re-marrying should you get involved.
It helps a lot if you tell them you're financially independent of their father, have no desire to participate in his estate and will encourage him to share the fact that he has no intention of leaving you any substantial inheritance.
Young children, like this one, fear losing Daddy, older children fear losing the money. Of course there are exceptions and maybe you'll find one of those.
Thanks everyone, I do feel
Thanks everyone, I do feel like I've been talked down from a ledge. I'll have to have a discussion with SO to go over the options and to face up to the fact that the SD16’s attitude is something that’s unlikely to ever change. The SD16 being in my home will not be one of the options. If I can’t trust her, she’s out. If he feels we can’t continue with our relationship, so be it, that will only reinforce that I’ve done the right thing. If he can’t understand my need to feel safe in my own home, then he’s not the right guy for me.
omg. sounds hauntingly
omg. sounds hauntingly familiar. my sd was so accepting of me at first too. I now live with the doctor jeckl/sd hyde but the sad part is i married the dh. you should check out my blog i just posted. it can get much worse. I too used to have a peaceful sanctuary when i went home, but that has also changed. if i had hindsight, i would have run the other way
I have to echo what others
I have to echo what others have said...don't do it! I did not heed the early warning signs, and now I find myself wondering if this marriage is even worth saving! I keep trying to tell myself, "Only 5 more years, right? 5 more years and we do not have to deal with my husband's ex, and my SD will be an adult doing her own thing." Then, I think about everything that is going on right now, and I see that this could go on much longer.
Dont move him in wait 2 years
Dont move him in wait 2 years til she is 18. Please I beg of you heed the warning
I agree with all of these
I agree with all of these wise ladies. I have stepdaughters. They can be really evil. Either wait til she is 18, or find another guy. Please don't put yourself through this.
p.s. I had my own home when DH and I got together. He moved into my home with his kids. It has not been my home since. It has not been my home since. You will never feel at home again.