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The apology.

rockermom's picture

Submitted by rockermom on Thu, 01/06/2011 - 5:59pm

My BF's step-D caused trouble for me on New Year's Day. I posted it under the "Adult Stepkids" forum. Since then, she has apologized, but to me, it seemed like what I call a "non-apology". I have read some sites that state that the components of a real apology are:

1. The wrong-doer admits to wrong-doing
2. The wrong-doer accepts responsibility for their actions
3. The wrong-doer tries to make amends
4. The wrong-doer vows not to do the hurtful act again, and actually works at not doing it again.

This is the step-D's email to me. Please note that I removed the names and in brackets put their relationship to me:

"Hey [Rockermom],

So sorry about the other day. I was actually madly furious at [My BF] for the first time in my life and took it out on your for some reason. Of course on him too, but only later. I am so sorry: I think you are a most loving mother.

I hope you can accept my apology.

hugs,
[BF's Step-D]."

I'm sorry, but this is a lame-azzed apology. She basically throws my BF under the bus to NOT accept responsibility for her actions, but to excuse them. And the insults that she said to me, accusing me of being a golddigger and an abusive mother, hurt too much for this lame apology to make it right.

I did send her an email accepting her apology, but I made it clear that what she said was unacceptable, and that I was only accepting it to put an end to the drama. She's not my BF's child, so I don't see why I need to have any relationship with her at all. She has shown me through this whole thing what a narcissistic, jealous little witch she is. And in addition to showing that side of herself to me, she also showed it in a big way to BF. I won't have any relationship with her now that I see her for what she is, and thankfully, my BF doesn't expect me to.

Thank g*d she lives in Peru. I hope she gets into her academy, and they send her on all sorts of wonderful adventures around the world. And I hope that she finds a nice man to marry, with a large, involved family, and that he loves her very much.

Of course, my motivation for this is not her happiness. It is so that she gets so involved with her own life that we rarely see her, lol! It can't be an evil wish if it is for something good for her, even though I benefit from it! }:)

Comments

ddakan's picture

Submitted by ddakan on Thu, 01/06/2011 - 8:51pm

Well, it's lame, but she acknowledge that she was wrong, gave you the reason why she did it and told you she apologized and gave you a compliment.

Anything close to this would have been acceptable to me, even if she doesn't mean it, she made an effort. My hateful skids do the same evil things to me with NOTHING said to make it ok.

Hopefully she will disappear with the wind.

rockermom's picture

Submitted by rockermom on Fri, 01/07/2011 - 4:56am

Yeah, but in her reasoning for why she did it, she tries to blame someone else, when absolutely no one prompted her to have her ugly outburst. She was making excuses, and not accepting responsibility for her actions. The compliment was to cover for the fact that she only really apologized to make BF happy with her again.

I don't do lame apologies. I've lived with people who used apologies as an excuse to continue to behave abusively. I have a feeling that if I just accepted it blankly, then she'd go right back to her bad behavior, since there was no consequence.

Totalybogus's picture

Submitted by Totalybogus on Thu, 01/06/2011 - 9:21pm

I guess I would have to preface my answer and what prompted the apology to you in the first place. Did her father tell her to apologize or was it a spontaneous decision she made after she had time to reflect on her behavior?

rockermom's picture

Submitted by rockermom on Fri, 01/07/2011 - 4:45am

Well, Totalybogus, after I left on New Year's Day, my BF and her had a big argument. Which must have surprised the hell out of her, because my BF is the nicest guy ever, and would rather walk away from you then fight with you. The next day, on the 2 hour drive to the airport, she tried talking to him again, giving him lame excuses as to why she said what she did.

When I met up with BF later that night, we talked and he told me her excuses. She said that she called me those things because she was upset that if my x-husband found out about he and I napping in the same room while the kids were there, then he'd use it to gain custody. She said that she liked me a lot. But, within 2 hours of me leaving on New Year's Day, she had blocked me on Facebook. If it was nothing personal about me, I countered, then why the juvenile antics on Facebook?

The next day, when she spoke to BF, she asked for my email address to write me an apology. She told him that she would have done it through FB, but that *I* blocked *her*! I think that she just said this to cover her azz over the fact that she was using FB to act immaturely, and I told BF so. I even offered to let him look at my account settings so he could see that I didn't block her. After she sent the email, she took off the block, but didn't send a friend-request. I told BF that FB is supposed to be fun, and I won't friend anyone who uses it for drama. He agrees with me.

I think that he's in shock. She has never acted this way before, but that is because BF has tried really hard to keep her included in the family. I think that he feels guilty that she has no relationship with her mother, due to her siding with him during the divorce. But what he needs to realize is that she is her mother's daughter, and he is only her step-father, and this girl is an adult. It is kind of him to keep in touch, but the way in which she demands to be an equal partner in his house, and demands to be catered to, is unreal and unnecessary. I don't think it would have mattered who BF's new GF was; she would have done this because she would have felt threatened by anyone taking his attention away.

Totalybogus's picture

Submitted by Totalybogus on Fri, 01/07/2011 - 6:45am

Well, then I think that she only apologized to get your bf to talk to her again. It is weird that she is so concerned about her Stepfather's relationships yet has no relationship with her mother. Maybe she had fantasies about having a relationship with him. Ick.

rockermom's picture

Submitted by rockermom on Fri, 01/07/2011 - 6:50am

I'm thinking that she either wants a romantic relationship with my BF, or she knows a sucker when she sees one and thinks she can get more from him than she can her own mother. Her mother is a user and a taker, so step-D knows she'll get nothing from mommy. Her father is deceased, and she is just now meeting his family and trying to forge some ties there. But until that happens, I think that she'll try to keep BF on the back-burner.

Too bad for her that I'm smarter than her. And I've played this game with people who took dysfunction and passive-aggressiveness to an art form. I came out on top with them, so I know I can handle her. And all it takes is being calm and polite in the face of her crazy outbursts. Seriously, I'm sleeping with my BF and I'm incredibly nice and fun. Step-D is a user. Who would you rather spend time with? LOL!