Advice needed please
Hi,
I have only just joined this forum. I searched for something today where I would hope someone would help me because I can no longer cope and I don't know who to talk to anymore. I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years, I have a 14 year old son and he has a 14 year old daughter. She is with us one night in the week and every other weekend. My son lives with me permanently as his dad isn't interested. We moved in together 2 years ago and things still haven't changed. When we lived separate it was ok but when we moved in together everything went down hill. The kids didn't used to get on with each other and to some extent still don't. My partner is all for his daughter, when she is here he runs around and will drop everything for her, she is very manipulative and lies to her dad a lot which upsets me so if I know she is lying I will tell him and he tells me it's none of my business she is a child, however she is not a child when he is allowing her to stay out until 11pm and drink at parties, she calls from her bedroom for him to fetch her drinks, hot water bottles, run her a bath and he runs around like her slave. If we are in the middle of a conversation and she calls he says to me to wait as she is calling. My son doesn't like it because my other half changes when she's here and doesn't acknowledge my son and treats his daughter like she is some sort of queen. I have tried to explain to my partner that the kids need to be treated as equal and one is not better than the other as it causes problems. My partner will not do anything with me and my son when his daughter is not here because he doesn't want her to feel left out, he doesn't even like us getting a takeaway when she's not here because he doesn't want her to be left out and he has told my son not to talk about what we do when his daughter is not here as she will feel left out and not be able to join in the conversation, I have told my partner he can't tell my son that he can't talk about stuff as he is always worrying if he's said something he shouldn't have. He won't take my son out on his own either as he is so worried she will feel left out. He took him out for the first time yesterday on his own after me saying enough is enough and she called later on in the evening crying saying she couldn't get hold of him (she knew he had taken my son out) and made him feel guilty for not answering his phone and then he said to me my daughter has had such a hard day today and needed me and now I feel bad because I was taking your son out and have neglected my daughter. It's getting a joke now. I feel sick when ever he has her or when she is coming over as me and my son walk on egg shells. I have house rules with my son and she comes in and doesn't stick to them and my partner will not tell her off and then my son doesn't understand why she can do it but he can't. I've tried to talk to my other half about this but he just doesn't care. She can do what she wants and he will drop everything for her, even if she's here for the weekend and out with her friends we can't do anything as partner will stay at home in case she calls and needs him. I can't cope with this anymore and can't go on like it. I've tried to talk to my other half about this numerous times and the only reply I get is 'I will be the parent I want to be' But this is destroying our family. He says I'm jealous but this is not it at all. I always do things for her and treat her like my own child but he doesn't do the same for mine. I make extra effort with her and it is still not good enough. Please can someone advise me on what I need to do.
Thanks
Oh hell no. Your SO is a
Oh hell no. Your SO is a dipshit. He is foregoing his own life and forcing you and your son to forego yours because he has a guilty daddy complex.
My wife had this issue regarding vacations when SS was young. She would refuse to participate in any of my family vacations if SS was on SpermLand visitation. When I had finally had enough of that shit I told her I was going whether she joined me or not. So... she joined me. That was a marginal vacation because she was sullen and withdrawn for the first few days of it. Eventually she came around. My perspective was that if we enjoyed the vacation and felt that it was something we would enjoy with SS that we could do it again sometime when he could join us.
Ultimately that worked out fine for us.
So, time to nip this juvenile pouty daddy shit in the bud and live your life and enjoy this time with your own child. As SteppedOut said above, your own child should not have to live only half of his childhood because his StepDad is a quilt ridden moron.
My SS's SpermClan would not allow him to speak of his life with us when he was on SpermLand visitation. Conversely, when he returned home from SpermClan visitation we were interested in the things he had done. Because speaking of us was verboten in SpermLand it took a bit of time for him to loosen up when he returned to his real life at home with us. He was always excited to hear what we had done with his grandparents, uncle, aunt and cousins (my family) while he was gone and excited to catch up with them once he was home.
This segregation of life that so many in blended family situations insist upon is just ridiculous IMHO. Life has to stop when Skids are with the opposition parent. When Skids are present it has to be all Disney, cater to the Skids, ignore everyone else in the blended family home all of the time until the Skid return to the opposition parent while the resident parent tearfully waves goodbye to the Skid then is all morose, withdrawn, pouty, moody and barely if at all tolerable until the toxic Skid returns.
No wonder why blended family marriages have little to no chance of succeeding except in the case where the prior relationship breeder(s) in the mix have half a brain and understand that life does not revolve around children and their partners have zero tolerance for the moody guilty bioparent bullshit.
smh.