advice for full-time stepmom
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my SD used to call and consider me "mom" - bio mom was not really in the picture much, but recently has come back into her life and now i've heard her correct people saying i'm "stepmom". it's become hurtful and i'm not sure how to handle. to me she's my daughter and i'd never introduce my kids to anyone singling her out as "step". anyone dealt with this before?
thank you for your input.
thank you for your input. i've tried so hard to disconnect, but i've been with her for so long and have fulfilled the role for so long, it's hard to stop. i mean everything. doctor appts, parent/teacher conferences, homework, ER visits, first whatevers, bday traditions, every birthday party. it's been so difficult, i feel as if i'm mourning the loss of our relationship. i feel like she's at an age now where she's able to understand the sensitive nature of this, but she doesn't, or doesn't care. BM even now "involved" is only really there via text/phone, rarely in person. so i feel like i still need to provide. it's just so complicated.
Let it go. You aren't her
Let it go. You aren't her Mom, and you know that, and deep inside you have always known that.
Nothing needs to change. I say still do all the things you always did for as long as you want to(assuming you did them willingly and without resentment before). She can love you, and love her BM too. If you have a good relationship with her, don't ruin it over the title she chooses to call you. Mom, Step Mom, Bonus Mom, whatever. As long as she is treating you well, that's all that matters.
We all have an innate biological NEED to know and be wanted by our birth parents. She has to love her Mom. She wants to love her Mom. You know this. So let her.
Later on, when she's older, she will smart enough to know who was there and who wasn't, and you'll have the added grace of being loving enough to make room for her to love BM too.
Thank you. I feel like my
Thank you. I feel like my head knows that, but my heart hasn't figured it out yet. It's hard to accept that no matter what I do or how much I put into it, I'll never be "good enough" or that I'm "missing something". It's unfair for me to feel this way, I know. I'm working on it with a therapist. She treats me fair... For a teenager she could be a lot worse, it's mostly me feeling like she talks negatively with BM. I feel like that may be their way to connect. But generally to my face she is ok. I'd never burden her with my feelings, unless she overtly says or does something terrible to me.
Hon, I've been there..... the
Hon, I've been there..... the only thing you can do is to step back, if SD talks ill of BM, tell her, that's rude I will not tolerate you speaking of your mother that way....
you only saw now... blood is thicker then water... it hurts but it's the truth
i so appreciate everyone's
i so appreciate everyone's comments. i don't think it's in my character to just completely stop doing things for her. i still love her and care for her. i mean honestly, i'm throwing her bday party this weekend (because i've done this for the past 9 years) and her BM is coming to my house for a bday party for her "daughter". it's so backwards and confusing. i've tried to disconnect emotionally because i am loosing it. i have such resentment i just get so angry at the littlest things when it comes to her and the situation. i know, know, know, it's not her fault - she didn't ask to be put in this situation. i just wish there was some way for me to know she at least loves me or appreciates me! it is my hope that time will provide that for me.
The facts are - you ARE her
The facts are - you ARE her stepmom, not her bio. I have this from time to time with my skids - you cannot take it personally. Keep on doing what you have always been doing and keep your chin up. On the flip side - she is probably having difficulties processing all the crap from her BM and doesn't truly know what to call you.
I don't understand why BM is coming to YOUR house for the birthday party - she needs to have her own party if she wants to attend a party. That is not something you want to start - do not go down that path. Your house is YOUR safe haven and should NOT be invaded by BM's or BD's - do NOT do it.
yea, it's so difficult. i try
yea, it's so difficult. i try to keep it in perspective, but it's hard sometimes. BM didn't end up coming to the bday party.
is your relationship still
is your relationship still the same? if so, i would try to let it go. it very well could be a practical reason - it confuses the h3ll out of people when they're trying to figure out which "mom" i'm talking about, as my father was custodial and i've always called my SM "mom" too. she may be correcting them simply to differentiate between you and the bm.
just a thought.
i'd say it's a mix. in some
i'd say it's a mix. in some ways it is and in some ways it isn't. she's very quiet and secretive about her relationship with her BM. the only reason why i know they talk/text everyday is by seeing it on her phone bill. my husband thinks she needs to prove her 'love' for her mom by rejecting me. for example, i used to get cards filled on all sides of how much she loves me for mother's day and bday, this year i hardly got cards. and i think BM provides an outlet for her to complain about me, dad, etc. and agree with her. i also think that when our little kids were born, she developed a lot of jealousy. i try to do my best and be the best mom for her, but deep down i think/know i'm not what she needs. i can't get her to really talk to me about anything substantial. our conversations are mainly her asking me to do things for her, like i need shampoo, can we get this, can you take me here, i need, etc. i try to ask her about friends, life, etc., but it's useless, so i've sort of given up on that. i think she uses her BM for that because she basically has the mind of a teenager but authority of an adult.
Factually she is correct. As
Factually she is correct. As much as you may feel like her mom, you are not. I would just try to ignore it.