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15 year old stepson has decided not to come to our house anymore.

fgump30's picture

I am really at a loss with my stepson. I have been with him since he was 6 years old and married to his dad for the past 4 years. We have had a great relationship up to this point.

In the last year he has told us that he is a homosexual. I has my suspicions and was expecting this at any time. His father is really struggling with this and his mother has been ok with it. I have always been my stepson's active parent. Involved in school, extra curriculars and day to day life. That is just the kind of mom I am. I love them as I love my own biological child. He is with us on a week on week off basis due to his mother's live in boyfriends and crazy situation at her house. He has admitted that he only stays with her so he doesn't have a curfew and can have his boyfriend over with no supervision.

He is a freshman in high school this year and has decided to join several activities that require extra transportation and financial contribution. I am the primary person that transports him to all events because of my work schedule and his mother's lack of interest in anyone but herself. My husband does do some transporting but his work does not allow him to do much. While I am happy that he is interested in these activities I believe that he is only doing them to spend more time with his boyfriend whom I am expected to transport to all these activities as well. I expressed to him that I am not pleased with all the extra work and financial support that comes with this and that I believe that he is only doing this to be with the boyfriend. This made him very very angry. We got into an argument recently about it and his dad said that he agreed with me. He was very disrespectful (this has been happening more and more lately but I understand that he is 15 and insane Smile so I deal with it on a case by case basis.) I had had enough though and told him that if that was his attitude I would not be transporting him to anymore events and he could get rides from his mom and dad.

He informed his dad last night that he was not going to come to our house anymore because we don't trust him and if I wasn't going to give him rides anymore there was no reason for him to be here. My husband tried to discuss it with him but he wouldn't talk anymore. I was initially relieved, then devastated and now I am angry. He has been increasingly selfabsorbed but I attributed this to his age and the boyfriend.

Now I am not sure what to do. I feel like my husband has lost his son because of me. There are things that need to be done soon like paying for band camp (his mother makes no financial contributions to his extracurriculars). Of course I think he should figure it out himself how to pay for it or have his mom get more child support from us and we will not contribute to him beyond that. I have a 12 year old son that lives here full time and is going to be heart broken by his decision. And I love this child so much - so much that I have to parent him the best way I know how. Which at this time means not giving in to his power play.

Any insight would be helpful. Thanks.

fgump30's picture

Thanks for the support. I have been explaining this too him for some time now. He can't seem to understand that he is not our only child and we have two other children to be there for and financially support. I will definitely try again if he comes back.

Rags's picture

I have a recommendation. Let SS feel the consequenses of his actions. Don't give him a choice on visitation. Visitation is not optional and it is not the right of the child. It is the right of the parent. So, DH should go toss the 15yo's ungratefull ass in the car, flush the cell phone and enforce visitation all the time every time.

Under no circumstance should SS-15 be allowed to manipulate the situation.

In regards to the homosexual announcement........ who cares? This has absolutely nothing to do with visitation and is irrelevent.

I certainy would not wish the consequences of the decision to be a homosexual on my child. (SS-17). Life is hard enough without the consequences of that choice hanging over the kids head for the rest of his life. However, I told my SS that if that were to be his choice that, though it is not the choice I would wish for him that I would love him and be the same dad he had grown up with.

Your DH needs to realize that gay, straight, bi or just plain confused that his son is is son regardless.

Good luck with this situation.

Best regards,

fgump30's picture

I'm not sure that would work for us but it is a great idea. His mother has been enticing him to come back to live with her full time for a while so I think that she made this really easy for him.

In regard to the homosexual announcement I just added that in because he has a chip on his shoulder about it. I absolutely agree that my husband just needs to deal and I have been able to convince him that no matter how he feels about it we still need to make SS's boyfriend welcome and include him in our family as we do my oldest SS's girlfriend. However, SS feels that he is entitled to special treatment or more consideration because he is gay. Whenever something goes wrong or there is a conflict he accuses us of being that way because he is gay. I have explained to him that gay or straight or purple or green the rules are the same.

Thank your for your comments.

Purpleflower09's picture

I agree with everyone so far. He is 15 and other then being homosexual and coming to accept that, he is a teenager. He will try and pull what he can to get what he wants. Don't let him do that. Stand your ground.

ucandoit's picture

WOW...big hug for you! How hard this must be for you and your DH but don't second guess yourself for putting your foot down, part of parenting is teaching that choices of not respecting someone can have consequences because thats how it is in the "real world" and to keep your SS from learning that will only cripple him as an adult. I agree he needs to feel the heat on this instead of taking you for granted. His sexual orientation while a difficult one at his age does not give him the right to expect you to be demoted to "taxi service" just to accomodate him, let him threaten whatever he wants but know if you back down you just taught him how to win over on you. He will come back around just wait and see as bm will get tired of hauling him around too. I applaud your courage in standing up for yourself! My prayers are with you!!

fgump30's picture

Thank you for your comments. We have decided to let him know that we love him and he is welcome to come back but we are not going to beg him to do so and that nothing is going to change if he comes back. The tough part is that his mother won't haul him around so he is burdening his 85 year old grandmother to take him places and pick him up at all hours. She can't seem to tell him no. Thank you for your prayers!

fgump30's picture

I see your point. The problem is that money is tight and we have two other children so he cannot have everything that he wants. Band Camp is a huge financial burden for our family and I guess I'm resentful because he is spitting in our faces and we still have to sacrifice for him. It is extremely frustrating.

Unfortunately my son's father was killed in an automobile accident so that is not an issue for us.

Orange County Ca's picture

Almost all teenagers are spiteful. Do your best to ignore the idiotic things he's doing.

You seemed to welcome the mother asking for more child support so she could contribute to his extra activities. Keep control of that money so you're sure it goes towards the activities by paying for those activities directly. Don't withhold them because he's a teenager and acting like one.

Freely release him to stay with his mother. Dad types up a letter to whom it may concern stating that as long as the boy wishes to remain at his mothers he is welcome to do so and he may visit at any time but not overnight.

This ends the "rebelious" part of the kids stated desire to stop coming over yet leaves the window open for him to come back and talk.