Things I say and do...(Step dad to Step Daughters)
Believe me... I am not dealing with Angel's as step daughter's.... 15 & 18
One has seen the business end of my nine millimeter, at 3:45am in the morning.
Been to the ER and counseling for saying she was going to kill herself.
Drugs and alcohol in the car, and one totaled car / Kids in the hospital...
but all that was months ago,in the first year and part of my initiation of dating their mother...(2nd date was the totaled car)
Still having some issues.. but it is getting better...
I am writing this because I believe these are the things working for me, and I hope some of this helps others.
We are dealing with children who have not been raised under ideal situations...
One Bio parent who either doesn't care or has a train wreck of a life...
Maybe the "Caring Parent" has not disciplined, YES it is work.. and if the parent that is working to make ends meet is tired...
Then usually the discipline goes out the window (CAUSE it AIN'T easy... and if you REALLY care.. it down right HURTS to DO)
But through all the pain...
Things I say to my teenage step daughters:
"You don't have to be blood to be a parent..."
"I know I am not your father, but it doesn't mean I can't love you like one... and the best part is you can't stop me..."
(usually when I have done something above and beyond... Picking the right moment for this statement enhances it's effect)
"I will love you more than you want me to, and less than I should..." might need to explain this one to them... it is kind of a riddle..
"I know I am not your father, but I love your mother, and I will not allow you to disrespect the woman I love. I should hope you wouldn't let me disrespect her either... So it works both ways..."
"Thank you for sharing your mother with me." cause let's face it.. they are...they need to know you are going to take their Bio parent away from them...
Things I do for my teenage step daughters::
I don't see myself as a Dad to them... I regard myself as their mentor, teacher, and life coach...
I find time to provide a motivational / inspirational quote, as it relates to the "issue" of the week... (Google is an amazing tool.) Character, Procrastination, Patience... Hell you might learn something yourself... I HAVE...
I keep a LEVEL head when asking 2 and three times for them to do something... but when they ask me to do something... I usually remind them...
I had to ask you ____ times to do _______. come back and ask me again later...and let me know how that feels... but I also do what they ask... as I say it...
Kids will be kids...they are moody, lazy, slobs, growing out of having their buts wiped for them...
But there are some things I don't tolerate...
1. Lying (The penalty for lying is always double than if you told me the truth)
In some cases I don't even punish if I know they told me the truth... It is always hard to tell the truth.. especially if they feel they are going to be punished...
I always tell them... if you lie I can't solve the real problem., cause I am trying to solve the LIE... People lie because they fear something... take the fear away... to get the truth.
2. Hands are always to oneself... This is tough one.. especially if you are meek, and the child has a serious edge to them...
I have step daughters... so putting my hands on them is OUT of the QUESTION....
However, I am a master of "Intimidation" so I have the ability to threaten things like...
If you touch your sister again.. you will be walking home... I have stopped the car more than once and asked if the person doing the hitting would like to walk...
And I have gone as far as sending one out for a 1/4 mile walk in the rain till I came and picked her back up.
Was she happy no... but when I stop the car now... things settle down very quickly...
3. Swearing at anyone in the family... Specifically Mom... this is where this saying comes from:
I know I am not your father, but I love your mother, and I will not allow you to disrespect the woman I love.
I should hope you wouldn't let me disrespect her either... So it works both ways...
Make sure your significant other hears you say it... so they know you are DEFENDING them...
The one thing and KEY to dealing with TEENS:
A LEVEL CALM HEAD... but when you get to the yelling part to get your point accross...
(AND YOU WILL)
Ask them... Do you want Calm "insert Name here" or Yelling "insert Name here"...
cause I would really rather be calm insert Name here"... but it's your choice.
I usually change my tone during this statment for effect.
I USUALLY have my Guidance talks in the morning... I wake them up Gently (most of the time depending on the issue...and say I need to talk to them...
This usually gets them when they are NOT in full HOSTILE mode, or in a rush to go somewhere...
For those that can't read
For those that can't read past the gun statement...
How sad you didn't get the real benefit of my post...
Always read past what upsets you..
Open your mind to what someone else may have encountered...
There is so much to learn...
Obviously you don't know all the facts...
"The Facts"
Believe me it was a crazy night... and Yes...
She snuck in with two boys...
I woke up to noise downstairs
Where all the good stuff is...
I thought she was sleeping over a friends house...
She came home to sell her our belongings at 3:45am...
She was under the influence of "Something"
But again that was a while ago...
You will see... you can go from out of control to at least having discussions...
IMAGINE THAT...
Isn't that what we are really here for...
Or are we just bitching and moaning...
Work towards solutions people...
maybe he meant thast the kid
maybe he meant thast the kid was pullin the gun on herself cause the next sentence was about her bein in the hospital cause she was gonna kill herself...i dnt think hes that dumb to put on the internet that he pulled a 9mil on a minor....
That's how I read it, b-worm.
That's how I read it, b-worm.
^^ That's what I figured.
This was great!
This was great!
I brought my children up by
I brought my children up by myself and I was a disciplinarian. I had to be tough on the kids because every time I tried to be nice, they ran right over the top of me, so we had house rules and we stuck to them. So I am all for discipline and rules. But no way in hell would I, or would I let anyone else send my kids out for a walk in the rain to calm things down. Sorry, but I think you've crossed the line with these girls and I wonder what they and their mother "really" think, not what they tell you they think, not what you think they think, but what "they really think".
It appears you have set yourself up as head of that household and believe it is your place to dole out the punishments. If your wife is incapable of disciplining HER children then your role should have been to support her and help her to make house rules with your input of course as you live there too and you are her husband, and you should have supported and helped HER enforce the rules of the house. Don't know where this will all go in the long run. Hope it all works out long term, I hope they do not grow to resent their mother which may be a possibility here.
Would love to see how you gently wake up teenagers for "guidence talks" early in the morning. I can only imagine what they are thinking about this. I honestly think their mother needs to step up to the plate here.
Emotionally Beat up... I am
Emotionally Beat up... I am not a CRAZY man.. WAS just in a CRAZY situation...
Mom is not and has not been a diciplinarian (SO I APPLAUD YOUR EFFORTS earlier is better and easier I AGREE)... She was getting walked on regularly...And life was getting DANGEROUS for the three of them... I had to establish order... I wake them up very gently (Your sarcasm isn't helpful to the tune of what I was trying to post, if you can't read the kindness in the words I shared, read them again... I LOVE THESE GIRLS even the troubled one...) (it's amazing to me people come here and Pick on each other for things that worked for them) What kind of support is that... I used the Harsh response when the 18yr old was BEATING, and I mean BEATING the 15 year old in the car... try to read between the lines.. ONE is a SERIOUS problem... Drugs, alcohol, totaled cars, the works, suicide threats all in the 1 year I have known her... And she was like this LONG before I got involved...and as people read my post they only THINK the worst... OF ME???
I have been involved about just about 1 year... Instant family... and I have made a significant change in their life... and now... when there is a serious problem.. They CALL me... for support & HELP...
THAT IS CALLED TAKING responsiblity.. which is what the STEP PARENTS & STEP DADS I read posts from seemed to be trying to do here...
So... Read my post again.. it is about making positive changes... and resonding harsh with harsh... Some kids NEED a serious attitude adjustment... because they are SO out of line... So.. if you have a handle on your kids...Good for your own kids... GREAT... if you don't I am a STEP DAD... who got control of a VERY SERIOUS situation using my techniques... Everyone is getting along amazingly well now...
THAT WAS THE POINT OF MY POST...
Yep you did it all by yourself... MOM Asked me to HELP...
I love those girls...and I am positive they love me...
So take your negativity & sarcasim some place else...
I like this post. It makes be
I like this post. It makes be want to reply with something sarcastic, ask for your advice with a couple of things, tell you my things that have worked for me being a step parent, agree with you, & disagree with you. Thanks for sharing & I wish I could remember your sayings when im in the act of feeling upset. During them times, I think I have a whole new vocabulary but they don't like to piss me off..
I have in the past taken doors off the hinges, woke SD up using a whistle loud n proud to start in on her given exercises before she could have time to go to school in a bad mood, dropped off my SS on a highway & had him get on the trail to walk home for he was being a dink in the car, & tell them "there is room for only one b**** in the house & that's me". Other than that, they love & respect me now. Hope you don't mind I added further ideas on your post.
Starla The key thing I do...
Starla
The key thing I do... is TRY NOT TO SPEAK to them when I am upset...
Unless someones safety is in Jeapardy (sp?)...
I also... write out my thoughts on the subject... and think through BOTH... my response and what the hell they may say back to me...
Sometimes I give them what I write (print out), sometimes I wake them up and talk it out with them...
But... I very rarely speak to them when I am upset...
I usually say... When WE calm down we can talk...
The fact that I disagree with
The fact that I disagree with you does not make me a negative person, in fact I am quite the opposite. However, your reaction is very interesting and says a lot more about you than it does me.
All I said was that I believe you have overstepped the mark with these kids, and that when mom "asked" for help your role was to help her with these kids by loving, supporting and guiding her, it was not to take control over the family. I believe and still do that mom should take control and you should support her.
However as I said in my previous post I hope in the long term it all works out and they do not grow to resent mom in the future. You have painted mom as a very weak woman on this site, and if she is who you portray her to be, then it will be difficult for them to respect someone so weak. Therefore all the more important that you allow her to have her rightful role as the parent in that home and you support her in that role.
I took over because mom had
I took over because mom had lost control, Is mom weak... NO... I wouldn't be with her...
The older child had many issues that just required more than ONE person to handle...
The biggest issue is that the child was emotionally and financially abandonded by her father...
She has "Daddy" issues...
Self esteem issues, always seeking the comfort of "boys", to make her feel secure... when they aren't available it's drugs or alcohol... imagine... a young girl who's father left her at 6... and can't seem to understand why 9 out of 10 times...when he makes any effort he cancels... She loves her Father... she seeks his affection... and he continues to destroy her self esteem... (as recently as Easter last month) you can see it happen EVERY TIME... It's painful to watch... she takes the loss out on herself and her Mother...
Of course I can't replace him... all I can do is show her what a "Real" man and "Dad" should be... It's working but it's a slow process... she has a mandatory meeting with me every Sunday for 30min to go over her responsiblities each week... in return she gets use of a car that I provide...
Mom couldn't afford to give it... especially after she totaled the last one...
I simply explain to the child. I am here to help her.. but if she wants my help... there are strings attached... I don't do anything for her... she has to complete her tasks... she is enrolled in College in the Fall... and just this Sunday... we talked, and she asked "REAL" questions about her future...
The point of my original post... On this STEP DAD and BIO DAD forum... was.. WE MEN can play a wonderful or DEVASTING ROLE...
My user name is 2nd time around... this is my second set of STEP girls... The first pair the father beat mom, and killed himself (overdose)... those two girls are now both through college living on thier own, comfortably...(send me father's day cards) It was much easier with them, I met them at 5 & 6 thery were my ex wife's nieces (She didn't want kids, and her sister needed serious HELP)... The kids father wasn't around to create issues... like this situation... but... a clear consistent message and the LOVING CARING REASONABLE STRENGTH of a Man in charge is what some kids/girls need...(every girl needs a DAD)
That's what we Step dads can be... If we take on the responsibility...
I hear what you say about resenting mom... they won't...
Not my first Rodeo...
Well as said before I hope
Well as said before I hope for their sake that it all works out in the long term.