stepdaughter is so rude and mean!
I have a interesting situation. MY wife has 2 kids from a previous marriage. one is 4 yrs old now and I have raised her since she was 15 months. The second is 11 years old and lived with her dad up untill this summer. My wife and I recently had a baby whom is 9 months old now. The problem is that with the 11 year old living with us she is so hateful. Everytime we ask her anything she yells at us. She yelled because I made her lunch for school saying she wants to make it. Then 2 days later I did not make her lunch upon request and she yelled because I didnt make it. She tries to point out when we are doing things wrong. Just today she yelled at my wife for pointing something out to me using her middle finger to point while she was holding a coffee in same hand. She yelled saying not to do that becuase the 4 year old will learn that from us. She is downright rude and disrespectfull. What is hard is the bio dad is abusive. That is why my wife left him and why The 11 year old is not going back home to him this summer and instead moving in with us.
I have tried one on one conversations, where it seems like she gets it. She does not have much, IE toys to take away, again since she just came for a summer visit and is not going back to bio dad. I feel like talking to her, yelling at her is not working. I am such a passive nice individual but I want to just slap the crap out of her because nothing else is working and it is making me depressed and miserable feeling. When I get up it takes only 2 minutes of conversation with her before she says something rude or gets angry over nothing and ruins my day. Again as soon as I pick her up from school my attutide and mood is ruined almost immediately. Even something as simple as "Hey how was your day" gets a respone of screaming yelling about being nosey and asking her all these questions ( really just "how was your day") and then 10 minutes later somthing will happen and she will get mad because I dont ask if she is ok or something. It really just feels like what she says is not important or a valid concearn... she just wants to yell and scream at us for any reason. I have tried not yelling and talking, however my patients is running thin. I just dont know what to do. I know if I talked to my parents that way I would get smacked and sent to my room... But being her bio dad was abusive I hate to resort to that.. I dont know it worked for me and I am running out of other options. Suggestions. I want to be sensative to this hard time for her, But I am not being mean nor is my wife and we dont deserve to be treated this way. What to do!
-Justin
Has she always been this way?
Has she always been this way? Is she mad because you won't let her go back to her dad?
For the last 3 years she has
For the last 3 years she has came out every summer. It can be rough at times but usually not like this. This behavior is different. I have considered the fact that she is not going back to her dad this year but staying instead. We had to do this for several reasons...
1. We recently heard of an incident where the father kicked her in the privates hard enough to send her flying back and on the ground with the wind knocked out of her.
2. The Dad's new girlfirend whom he now has a child with, is leaving him, wanted to for a while but was concearned about the daughter we are discussing.
3. She just started puberty and all think its better to be with mom at this time.
Some other side notes.
1. Had she gone back to dad like she normally would, she would be moving shortly to alabama from Tennessey and losing all her friends and having to make new ones... So it is not like she is losing all her friends moving to california with us. She would have had to make new friends if she stayed with dad, since he is moving.
It just seems like as soon as she gets up everything is a complaint or yelling. .She complains about her blood sister (4 year) old. If its not what she did or what she is doing she is complaining about what she is going to do.
She asked for a pen the other day in the car, we handed her one, and she comes back screaming at us about how its not working. Why can't she just say "hay dad or mom, this one does not work, is there another one...?" instead of "GOSH MOM THIS ONE DOESNT WORK!!!" in her loudest hateful voice.
I want to correct this behavior. I know she would never act like this at her dads house where she has been living her whole life. He would smack the hell out of her. We kept her in California to get her into a loving and respectful home and get her out of an abusive bad home enviroment and I feel she is trying to push every button I have or my wife until. Us being calm or even yelling is not working. She doesnt care and keeps it up. But it is ruining the dynamics of our family and home. I don't want the 4 yr old or our 9month baby growing up learning this. The 4 year old kinda already is.
-Justin
Yes I do too. I just don't
Yes I do too. I just don't this behavior can't continue but there is nothing to really take away and she doesnt really have any friends in our neighborhood yet so grounding doesnt seem to effective either.
-Justin
Sounds to me this could be a
Sounds to me this could be a combination of the "new" living arrangements and also she is likely modelling how her bio dad reacts to situations. So in otherwords learned behaviour. I think some therapy may be needed to help her, in the meantime your wife and you need to let her know that this behaviour is not acceptable. Send her to her room for a ground or make her sit in a corner or on a chair for a time out and then make her explain why she is there? She must be told/shown this is not acceptable to you or your wife!
I guess my problem as a
I guess my problem as a parent is... I am new to parenting and taking on a 15 month whom is now 4 and having a baby of our own and now the other step daughter. I know with the new situatoin there is going to be feeling of hatred towards either the bio mother or the bio mother and step dad (me) especially at age 11. The other factor is when bio mom and bio dad split up the agreement was each parent keeps a child. It seemed to be in the best interest to have bio mom take 15 month (now 4 years old) as I would be raising her from a infant and up. The bio dad keep the older daughter to keep her in school with her friends. There could be some tension as to why did mom leave older daughter behind. Never the less I am trying to be nice and sympathetic to her as I know this can be a difficult emotional time. This makes it harder on me to punish her. But lately I catch my melf on the verge of blowing up and yelling more becuase I am losing patience trying to be nice and respectful to these hard emotional times. I want her respect because I respect her, not because I am being the hard ass step dad. But man it just seems I find myslef saying "What a little bitch" in my head everytime she says something to me, her sister, or her mom.
We are in sort of the same
We are in sort of the same situation, but without the abusive father. SD came to visit for the summer, she thought, but DH had gone to court and gotten full custody so she is staying here with us permanent. BM was not physically abusive, but was a PAS'er and moved SD to another state without permission or knowledge.
So, SD is here permanent now, just started school, and see's a therapist every few weeks. We are lucky in that her acting out has been minimal - so far. She is more emotional than anything, but it changes often so its hard to know what will be next. DH is on her with the discipline and rules, though. No matter what she has been going through, there is no excuse for being rude to others.
It is extremely difficult at home, its very uncomfortable for me and I'm sure for her. She resents me, because she wants her mom. I have no maternal feelings towards her at this point (4 months now), and I have a teen son to take care of as well. There is no magic wand to help with this stuff. I wish you luck.
This is deep seated and
This is deep seated and discipline, punishment or talking is not going to do the trick. She needs professional counseling and the sooner the better. Her lashing out at everyone is the anger she's feeling over her father. Since he took out his frustrations on his wives and daughter she now is doing the same and you two are in range.
Neither of you are qualified to deal with this. Get her the professional help she needs. I hope your insurance helps but no matter the cost its her only hope. Good on you for being so calm about this so far and I hope things turn out well. A good counselor should show some results within a couple of months. If not try another one. Go to the school and your General Practicioner Doctor as well as family for referrals.
THanks everyone. I as an
THanks everyone. I as an engineer I will find myself thinking over and over in my head the problem and solution until I have one. But venting helps too. I want the best for my kids but I feel way in over my head with barely 3 years in parenting experience.
-Justin