Need some help

Forums:

First a little back ground; I am the BF of three teens, and husband to a wonderful Step-Mom. We have been married for 1.5 yrs and for the first couple months the kids lived with their BM, then after they visited for a summer, they ended up staying. Things were a little bit rough in the beginning but over time they have gotten a lot better. My bs12 and my bd16 even call her mom, and my bs14 tells her that he loves her quite regularly.

The issue comes down to discipline. My wife came from a very strict family, and believes strongly in being very firm. I had always been pretty easy going with the kids and I can see that my behavior led to them getting away with a lot of things; i.e. messy rooms, back talking, etc. I am still learning and I find myself deferring to my wife because she is great at coming up with creative punishments that are very effective with the kids. The problem is that any time I am not 100% on the kids she gets upset. I realize that I need to be consistent, and that the kids learn better with consistency, but if I make a mistake or miss something that happened then it's the end of the world and she starts talking about how she cant take it any more and even starts throwing around the D word. It seems like we cant go a week without some kind of complaint about what the kids did wrong and how I failed to discipline them correctly. Every argument ends with her saying that she would never leave because she loves us all too much, but she still throws that threat around at times.

I guess my biggest problem is that I feel like I am trying really hard but that I cant be on 100% of the time or that there are times when I decide to let the kids have a break every once in awhile, then she thinks that I am disrespecting her or putting her second.

Am I wrong is this? Any help would be really appreciated.

You don't get to "take a

You don't get to "take a break" from parenting. Your kids don't get to have a "break" from following the rules. I guarantee you if you're more consistent, your wife will ease up. My biggest issue with my dh is that we agree to rules. We agree on consequences and he is good about implementing for about 6 weeks and then he eases up. And he says the same thing you say "I'm trying really hard but I can't be on it 100% of the time and I don't want to be on her to feel like I'm always riding her". Well, guess what happens when he eases up? He gives her that inch and she takes a mile. She recognizes right away that he is getting lax and she takes gross advantage of it. And it pisses me off. And that is what pisses your wife off, too. There is no point in HAVING rules if you aren't going to consistently expect them to follow them. All you are saying to them is "maybe you have to follow them, but I might be in a tired mood and then you don't have to follow them". How do you want them to grow up? Wishy washy? Or having a good foundation?

All of that said, the "d" word should be off the table. I myself am guilty of "I can't take it anymore" on occasion, but I have never threatened the "d" word. I fight fair. I don't believe in name calling. i don't believe in bringing other fights into the current situation. and I don't make threats.

I agree with smdh 100% on

I agree with smdh 100% on this one.

My DH was a "disney dad" and he allowed his daughter to get away with MURDER. She bossed HIM around...she told him what to do! It almost ruined us, I'm telling you.

You need to tell your wife that throwing the "d" word around is very disturbing to you and needs to stop, but also YOU need to be sure that you're on top of things and quit letting stuff slide.

Good luck, I know it's not easy!

I cant speak for your wife

I cant speak for your wife and of course I dont know how you are handling things but I can speak from personal experience as Im having this issue as well.
My BF has full custody of his 4 kids,he feels guilt that BM left them years ago so in his mind if he is strict with the kids he is being mean.He doesnt want to be Mean Dad,he wants to be Buddy Dad.This isnt doing the kids any favors.
When he and I agree on expectations and punishments I have no problem going forward with them for the skids and my BD.He on the other hand backs off.He doesnt want to enforce or discipline which means that either A-I handle it and feel resentful that he isnt or B-I ignore it and let him handle it which of course he doesnt want to do.And God forbid I bring things up to try to get him to handle them,yesterday I was told "F*ck you" while reminding him of a chore we had agreed just that morning we would have his youngest kids do.
When you say that you "cant be on 100% of the time or that there are times when I decide to let the kids have a break every once in awhile" thats an excuse you are making so that you dont have to deal with things that are important to her.How do you think that makes her feel? Disrespected and unimportant.
When you say "I realize that I need to be consistent, and that the kids learn better with consistency, but if I make a mistake or miss something that happened then it's the end of the world and she starts talking about how she cant take it any more and even starts throwing around the D word" I understand why she is upset.Youre saying its the right thing to do and then you decide not to follow through and again she feels disrespected and unimportant.
My BF will use the same excuse "I missed that","I didnt see/hear that","I didnt think about it".Why is that we as the woman of the house always have to be the one to notice everything and bring it to your attention?Why do we always have to be the bad guy,not just with the skids but our men too?
Do you have any idea the toll this takes on us?Its depressing and stressful.
Im not trying to rag on you and Im not taking her side because Im a woman but seriously,this is no way to live for either of you.My advice is pay attention,step up,and follow through.
Take the burden off of her shoulders and you will see the difference it makes in your marriage.
Good luck to you.
And BTW I think its awesome that you care enough to come here and get advice,not many guys are willing to do that.I wish my BF would.

"I guess my biggest problem

"I guess my biggest problem is that I feel like I am trying really hard but that I cant be on 100% of the time or that there are times when I decide to let the kids have a break every once in awhile, then she thinks that I am disrespecting her or putting her second."

Like the others said, you can't let the kids "have a break".

If your job is to turn in a report at the end of every week, would your boss let you "take a break" one week? Even if you did go on vacation, you would have to make arrangements for someone to cover for you for those things that can not go undone.

Understand what I'm saying?

What you think is letting the kids have a break is letting the kids get away with things. Consistency is very important with kids. If you show the kids that sometimes they don't have to do things, they won't do them.

Parenting is hard, and when you've been a lax parent, it's even harder. But once you are consistently laying down the law, over time it gets easier. All you have to do is tell them one time to do something and they do it. Whereas before you probably had to tell them twenty times to do it.

"My BF will use the same

"My BF will use the same excuse "I missed that","I didnt see/hear that","I didnt think about it".Why is that we as the woman of the house always have to be the one to notice everything and bring it to your attention?Why do we always have to be the bad guy,not just with the skids but our men too? Do you have any idea the toll this takes on us?Its depressing and stressful."

Omg I'm so sick of hearing that crap. I'm exhausted. I'm so tired of having to be the one who "thinks of everything" remembers the Toothbrushes, "plans activities", WATCHES what is actually going on in the house. Staying in top of laundry, and the groceries, and working full-time, and paying bills. Teens and preteen are SNEAKY, AND MOODY AND TESTING THEIR LIMITS. my bs 13yrs is exhausting. But I have to keep my eye out. To teach him. Little things big things. And if he knows he only has to do it for awhile, what favors am I doing him?

I think I need a break from paying rent this month.

There are two adults in the home. Parenting is a full time job, and considering they are YOUR children, I'm guessing your wife is thinking she might need a break. It sounds to me like she is trying to help you create healthy happy well adjusted responsible kids. And you constantly undermine her.

"I think I need a break from

"I think I need a break from paying rent this month."

LOL! Great example!

We can't take a break from a lot of things, parenting is definitely one of them.

Ok, I have to admit that when

Ok, I have to admit that when I first started this topic (yes my first) I was hoping that there were a bunch of other fathers out there that would tell me that I was doing good and that I didn't have to be perfect, but then I started reading a lot of the other posts on here and eventually I came across one that directed me to a couple Essays:
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
http://www.steptogether.org/help.html
and in the first one I read about the description of Dad's expecting the new Step Mom to step in and fill the role of the original BM, and how this just isn't possible, and then went on to explain it all in very clear wording. Then I read the second one and it explained what I would need to do if my wife did disengage, which really are just very good parenting skill that I realize I need to master.

It finally clicked in my head.

The sad thing is that my wife had been telling me all of these things all along, and I just didn't get it. I really just didn't get it....

So I made a conscious decision to do the right thing. I realized that I need to be the disciplinarian in the family, and it is my responsibility.

Then tonight we were sitting here watching a movie and my daughter started talking with my wife about her ex-boyfriend who we recently all learned was a pathological liar and a petty thief. I was kind of half listening, and half watching the movie... So yeah, once again I was only giving 50%.... I am really pissed at myself right now, but probably not as pissed as my wife is. As she pointed out, it's been less than 24 hours since I told her I was going to do better and here I am failing to give the 100% I said I would give.

Why am I telling you this? I dont know... I guess I just want to be completely honest here. I know I have done wrong and I need to do better.

One more thing, I want to thank you all for the comments above. I really am taking them very seriously.

Admitting that you're the

Admitting that you're the problem is a huge step in the right direction. My dh and I have to have the "I'll do better" talk every 6-8 weeks like clockwork. Men are wired different than women. I don't like it. I don't like that I basically have to parent him to get him to parent his kid, but I do appreciate that he does make an effort. A lot of men can't even accept that their kids aren't perfect little cherubs who deserve the world on a platter, so good for you for acknowledging that they need discipline (not because they're awful, but because they're children) and putting in the effort.

Good for you, OP! You don't

Good for you, OP!

You don't have to be perfect, but you DO have to give 100%, 100% of the time. So glad you realized where you are falling short. That's the first step.

Feel free to ask any questions! I'm sure you'll find plenty of folks on here willing to help!