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MISBEHAVED STEPDAUGHTER

dads's picture

I have a stepdaughter who twice has been phYsical with her mom. She is 14 and 2 weeks ago punched her mom in the eye. she has been hospitalized 2 out of three times for cutting her wrists. The state is not helping the proper way. My wife and I think she needs to go and stay with whomever can give her the real help she needs. She is going to break up our family. We have three other kids that keep seeing this behavior. What can I do to get her to go somewhere for real help? We have had counciling for her for about 5 years and things are getting worse.

dads's picture

I have a stepdaughter who twice has been phsical with her mom. She is 14 and 2 weeks ago punched her mom in the eye. she has been hospitalized 2 out of three times for cutting her wrists. The state is not helping the proper way. My wife and I think she needs to go and stay with whomever can give her the real help she needs. She is going to break up our family. We have three other kids that keep seeing this behavior. What can I do to get her to go somewhere for real help? We have had counciling for her for about 5 years and things are getting worse.

dads's picture

I have a stepdaughter who twice has been phsical with her mom. She is 14 and 2 weeks ago punched her mom in the eye. she has been hospitalized 2 out of three times for cutting her wrists. The state is not helping the proper way. My wife and I think she needs to go and stay with whomever can give her the real help she needs. She is going to break up our family. We have three other kids that keep seeing this behavior. What can I do to get her to go somewhere for real help? We have had counciling for her for about 5 years and things are getting worse.

Anon2009's picture

I know that it will probably be painful for your wife to do this, but perhaps the next time SD (stepdaughter) gets physical with her, she needs to call the cops. They'll probably put her in a juvenile detention center. Or your wife needs to ask the counselor for the phone number of a good anger management counseling service to get SD better help.

Was SD abused in any way?

giveitago's picture

We did that, called the cops. It was one of the hardest things my husband has ever had to do. It took the educational system and the juvenile system's best efforts and still nothing worked! Our girl actually fabricated a story about being abused and witnessing a shooting, nothing we could prove or disprove but she would stop at nothing to justify her actions?? Only now is it recognized that she is a sociopath. Borderline personality disorder. The doctors are very reluctant to give that diagnosis before age 18, given that some kids have 'phases' but ADHD and ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) were diagnosed though. Childhood abuse is one of the issues that comes up during diagnostic stages. It is possible that abuse could be a catalyst for behaviors, some kids are what I would call a 'bad seed' and our girl's BM is the classic borderline personality case and was also in group homes as a child. All I can say is they deserve each other!! I feel no more guilt about my shortcomings as a step parent, our boys here are just fine now. I get the occasional 'attitude' but that's what I would call par for the course as a step parent .

dads's picture

No, she is at almost 15, a sociopath. My wife and I both go to seperate counciling just to cope. I love my wife and my stepson, but I can't live with my sd anymore, something bad is going to happen, she has a long history of awful behavior. She is at a hospital right now, and they are forcing my wife to take her home or they will arrest her. They just don't get whats going on. Sd needs real help outside the home. In home hasn't worked. I am a great Dad who loves my family, but my sd is going to push my wife and I apart if my sd isn't treated as a sociopath. thank you

NaturallyMom's picture

Can't you and your wife consent to have her treated by a Psychiatrist?
They prescribe meds and diagnose trauma.
In our city, it takes an act of god to get a psychiatrist for a kid or teen, but in the event of an emergency - calling the police - they have to see your teen.

"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln

dads's picture

she is on meds now and they don't work. she has been on different kinds. she is a master of manipulation. she has seen about 5 different therapists and has them all fooled. sweet and innocent to them, but she is hurting her mom everyday with her behavior. We just don't know where to turn. I want what is best for all, but because I was angry with her after she hit her mom I told her to stay in her room, so she decides to cut her wrist lightly in front of me with scissors. Point being I am 44 yrs old with 2 wonderful children a an outstanding stepson. I am afraid that those scissors are going to be pointing at me someday. The state does not see what my wife and I see. I am scared and worried about hers and our future.

sadstepmom26's picture

let them arrest her. Dont take her back to your home. What other choice do you have? You're going to be sorry if you wake up with those scissors at your throat.

giveitago's picture

Ours used to threaten razor blades in our pillows too!! She pulled a knive on her twin brother one day in the kitchen, he wrestled it from her and there are still blood spots on the ceiling! I fully understand your concerns, believe me!! My husband and I went through hell, I got a black eye, a fork thrown at me, actually in front of the 'family therapist' that the court ordered. My husband and I had to have evaluations and family therapy ordered by the court. Manipulations are what these kids do best, I hear you with the all sweetness and light. Our girl actually told her Dad to suck on her d**k and choke on her b**ls so he put her on a time out in the back yard (front yard didn't work because she ran away and told the cops we'd put her out!). Next thing is she's kicking the door in and she rushed past her Dad, clawed herself and pulled her hair out and dialled 911. It happened to be the ONE cop in our neighborhood who had never dealt with her who believed her and her Dad was arrested!! The DA saw the situation and dropped the charges but more lost days at work and disruption to the family! It never stops!! The state care is not the answer iether, we know this now. I really feel for you, it's hell on wheels. I have to say that I survived though! All I can tell you is to try and keep a level head, it's frustrating but try not to enter into a power struggle with her.

Angel72's picture

I think furie suggestion is perfect, but too late at this point.
Let them have her arrested. This girl knows what she is doing. She gets off on it. SHe needs to snap out of her bubble. If she is a true sociopath, the psychs will look at her from behind bars where she can hurt no one!
PROTECT THE TWO KIDS YOU HAVE, YOUR SS AND YOUR WIFE.
Leave her get arrested and if your wife doesn't listen, take the kids and go somewhere safe. grandma's house, but no where near sd.

giveitago's picture

Ohhh I hear you!! Loud and clear, we have been through the juvenile system, our girl has been kicked out of two group homes because they could not handle her. It's such a waste of a beautiful,intelligent and quick witted child. After yet another incident at the school, whereby the principal would have kept on having her arrested, we gave BM the choice of taking her or paying child support to the state. My husband talked of emancipating her at age 17, we have lost thousands in days off work and court costs, had our home disrupted in ways you cannot even imagine and it's just too much! Our boys do not want her back with us. As step Mom I did all I could, even though it was considered (I must add that this was first consideration on my husband's part and I do understand it) that if only SD and I could 'get along' things might be better. SD soon proved that it was not just me, it was the entire education and juvenile justice systems who could not handle her!!

What I did find very helpful was a counselor who helped me realize where the buttons were that she could find and push, I switched those off (metaphorically) and gave the girl no power over me. It's a power struggle that they try to pull people into and I fell for it!! I restored and maintained my dignity and was no longer one of her sporting events. It's so hard to deal with someone who really does not care. Sociopath is the only thing I can say! A psychiatrist examined her and he said it's emerging borderline personallity disorder. NOTHING you say or do will make a difference. My husband and I agree that we should just try to 'keep a lid on it' and she'll be moving on soon. Currently she is at her mother's, taking from her. As soon as the grass withers there she'll try and come back to us, My husband says he has had enough, this child tried to destroy our family. She outright said that was her intention!! I calmly told her that God's love for this family is way stronger than your will to destroy it girl. The last straw for my husband was all the hard work we put in to get her out of the juvenile system and she threw that back in his face by getting arrested at school, yet again, and the principal said he'd have her arrested every time she did X,Y orZ to warrant it. It's bad that parents are considered negligent when they do not collect their kids from juvenile hall, we made her wait until the last second before we collected her each time. The thing is,though, she sees juvenile hall as an occupational hazard in getting what she wants!! I really hate to sound so negative but I have to accept reality too. The doctors were very reluctant to diagnose borderline personality disorder at age 13, 14 or 15 but they finally said so at age 15. Knowing what to deal with is half the battle though, I no longer feel guilty about ignoring a child. I no longer feel guilty about the mistakes I made, this is no 'ordinary' child here!!
I hope that you get the help you need, press for a doctor to do the right thing and possibly have her committed for a while to assess her? I had to wait until the whole thing broadened out of the home before something was done. Good luck!

dakdad's picture

Sorry to break in out of the blue. Been dealing with two sd's, 14 & 17, both out of control. Mom has not provided adequate boundaries, so now they both think they can have everything their way. got frustrated with her and told her I didn't want to get caught in between her and her kids, but it's easier said than done. Everytime the girls overrun their mom, she calls for me and says she doesn't know what to do. I took her to the side and told her not to broadcast that she didn't know how to proceed,to take command, and that she needed to step up and be their mother, not their friend. She attempts to do it to a point, than backslides, and I am once again the villain. I honestly didn't know step-parenting was going to be so hard and so costly. last fall the 17 year old took off in my jeep and rolled it, than she wrecked my next vehicle. I used to work at nights, so I would be trying to sleep in the day, and she would count on this to get my keys. I feel like alot of what I built up is now wasted, and I feel trapped. I am now in college, and my Wife is assisting me by helping out monetarily, but I now don't have much of a say in anything either! :? Now what do I do?

distorted reality's picture

Her BP's can have her placed in to a Residential Treatment Facility. If there is a police record, (And the police should be called EVERY single time she screws up) this will help in getting her committed. It sounds harsh I know but, I can attest to what happens when BP's don't do what NEEDS TO BE DONE. Sometimes, black and white thinking is the best way to deal with issues like these. Good luck. Smile