Hopeless...
Hoping to get some good feedback on my situation so I'll try my best to get straight to the point. I have a 18yr old SS that is constantly coddled by my GF(his mom). We've been together 5yrs and I was originally attracted to her strength in raising 2 boys as a single mom.
The 18yr old however I feel she has given up on and now enables him until he is crippled. He does not work and has finished school. My GF cooks and serves his meals and drinks like he is a prince, washes his laundry, and cleans up after the messes that HE makes. This shit is cute when your kid is preschool age, not 18! It's to the point now that it is becoming a turn off for me because I feel like she treats him like he is a spouse instead of her son. I am not even this lazy! I'm a guy that likes for his lady to take care of him but not even to this extent! I am more of the "share the load" type. Whatever she does for me(cleaning,laundry, etc), I put in my share of work to help her. So it has literally become a physical turn off to watch her slave away for her GROWN son who sits and plays XBOX on a rolling basis. I have tried to express my issues but now I am starting to feel like there is "another man" living in MY house.
I want this relationship to go further, but this issue is cutting into the way I now view my GF. I'm slowing becoming less and less attracted to her. Sucks because I still love her. But I don't know how much longer I can sit back on this one. I feel like he is never going to leave if she keeps this up. And thru all of this she tells me that she doesn't have a problem doing all of this for him, even though I do! It's to the point that I would just about pay for him to move the hell out already! I want to tell her how I feel about the physical part, but I'm afraid that one will land me on the couch.
There is a difference in
There is a difference in helping out children vs enabling like you said.
Love my kids with all that I am but cleaning up after my 21, 18 n 16 year happens but let me tell you I do become an alien mom who freaks the hell out on occasion cause I am not your maid. If I were you'd be paying me $$$.
Is it pure laziness or her need to feel needed ?? There's a major difference ~ sounds like something is missing. Baby any grown ass man is putried to me. She sounds like she lost herself in the "boy".
For you ~ you are losing respect for her. If our relationships were a sculpture ~ every time she does her son an injustice ( of stagnating his adult growth) she chiseles away your relationship.
At 18 they are on there way of being adults ~ learning to do things on their own. My oldest children do chores or you don't have a social life plain & simple. They work n pay for their own stuff. I have gotten to the point where I told them you leave dishes in the sink ~ they will be in your bed. Stop being lazy slobs ~ I didn't raise you like this.
Teaching 18 yr olds ~ to be independent. Clean up after yourself. Do your laundry ! Clean your bathroom. Pick up your shit around the house b4 I throw it out.
My DF's daughter use to do nothing here at my home ~ but mommy dearest has turned her into Cinderella ( her words). If the kid doesn't work he should b doing more around the house. At your rate ~ that kid will leave there till he is 40. Why would he want to leave ??
I agree with you 100%. you
I agree with you 100%. you struck a chord with the "need to feel needed" comment. She was used to cleaning and cooking for the entire house in her past relationships and was expected to maintain this all even though she worked a full-time job. Fast forward to now- I have to literally make her sit down and allow me to help. Even though 5 yrs have gone by, she can't seem to break this cycle. I truly think she is enabling because she doesn't know what it is like to not feel needed.
Thanks for that perspective. I will address this one. The sculpture analogy was spot on too. Good one
Nice to hear some raw truth
Nice to hear some raw truth for a change. I have brought my concerns to the table minus the part that I am losing attraction for her because I don't want her to close off from me. But the response I keep getting is that I am the only one with the problem. She doesn't have a problem with the things she does for her son and told me that she won't allow me to make her feel bad for doing it. She also said she would never kick her children out lol. I feel like he knows this and takes advantage at this point.
It's starting to cut into finances too. He is a smoker, is now able to get into clubs, constantly buy/trades video games, and wants to participate in activities with friends (who have jobs) that cost money. I'm almost 28 years old. I don't smoke, haven't seen a party since the beginning of this relationship, finishing my degree finally, and don't have time to keep friends because of school and financial responsibility. I feel like she is secretly pouring money into his habits because she got tired of me getting pissed. She agrees with me when we talk, then I see that the change I've been saving in my car is looking a lil slim! Meanwhile he is on the steps outside taking smoke breaks like he works a 9-5! How can we spend money on his habit and neither me or his mother fucking smokes! He needs to work if these are the things he chooses to spend his money on. I have no problem helping young ppl that want to help themselves. I wouldn't complain about helping financially if i saw an end in sight and productivity. I would give my last. The plan is he is suppose to start GED classes in a week. This is a plus considering he refused and has been sitting around doing ABSOLUTELY nothing since March!
We did not kick the SKid out
We did not kick the SKid out either when he graduated from HS and then turned 18 3mos later. What we did do was to light a burning platform under his lazy ass to give him clarity that though he would always have a roof over his head in our home, clothes on his back, and food to eat that the costs to him would be so completely unpleasant that he would not long tolerate them.
We turned him on to our beck and call boy/chore bitch. We worked that kid's ass off. His mom gave him an ever increasing chore list that when he failed to get it done on any given day resulted in his being left on the front porch the next morning in whatever he slept in the night before, locked out of the house, until his mom or I got home form work that evening.
He tolerated the beck and call/chore bitch burning platform for about 4 months then enlisted in the USAF on the delayed entry program. He still was our beck and call boy until he reported for BMT but we toned it down a bit after he enlisted.
Your Skid needs a burning platform and if your SO won't partner with you then you have a choice. Tolerate this bullshit or change the locks and put her and her leaching worthless POS spawn out on the curb.
Good luck.
Rags, I'm totally down for
Rags,
I'm totally down for this idea. If it were my own kid (if i had one)- this would be my approach. I'd definitely make them want they're own money and place by the time I was done! But my GF just can't seem to jump on board. He needs to man up in my opinion because no self respecting young lady is going to put up with a guy that has nothing to bring to the table along with her. I try to light the fire and my GF put it back out. She just finished his laundry, hanging his curtains, and washing his dishes a few mins ago actually lol. Nevermind he's 6'0 180 lbs.
One would think so right?!
One would think so right?! When I turned 18, I graduated from HS and was out of my mother's house in 3 months FLAT! Haven't been back since... I hope I remain blessed enough to have to never return either! lol its all sickening to watch at this point. Now my GF's out on the street playing taxi tonight because he has a date. Once again...cutting into our time. It has become a revolving door of nothingness at this point. I laugh to keep from being angry.
Well said and your signature
Well said and your signature is priceless lol
Sorry Pal - I've been through
Sorry Pal - I've been through all of that (and more) in a previous relationship and see it happen to two of my good friends from high school.
It's won't get better. You are in a lose lose situation.
They obviously have a disfunctional relationship - and you being in there isn't going to help. solve, or change anything. You will only drive yourself crazy.
She may be a nice lady, I'm sure she is. But the pieces aren't fitting.
Run for the hills! Run for the hill!
This seems to be the general
This seems to be the general consensus here lol. It's like- I want to run and FAST. But I love my GF very much and we have been there for each other through some of the toughest times. Now it's all starting to pay off. We have a nice home now, two cars, good income. I just hate to throw it away because of her son. I just don't know what to do at this point. I wanna leave but I want to stay with her more
Well that's the trick for all
Well that's the trick for all of us. There is a Springsteen song for everything:
"You gotta learn to live with what you can't rise above" - Tunnel of Love
best of luck - keep us posted.