Splitting Households
I am a younger guy who has been in a relationship with a woman a few yrs older (mid-30s) for quite some time now (5+ yrs). We have lived together the entire time. Our relationship is awesome between the two of us. However, she has two teenagers. My issue is the older son. He is 18 and has done nothing for the past several yrs. No school-no job-nothing...just video games and pot. ALL DAY!
Recently, I have been feeling the need to have my own space. I am almost 30 and since leaving home at 18, I have never had the experience of having my own place. I have been independent, of course. It's just that I had roommates through college and then I met my current gf after. I increasingly feel the need to know how it feels to be free in my own home and not worrying about the locks turning and the oldest son coming home while I roaming "free" if you catch my drift...
It would be a lot easier to accept if he were productive, but the fact is he is NOT. Its tiring all the way around. I am tired of the constant asking for money. Just tired of looking at him doing nothing after the attempts to get him to try something. My gf has also made it clear that she won't kick him out- however I wouldn't raise that option...if it got that bad i would just leave first.
Would I be wrong for seriously asking my gf of over 5 yrs to allow me to move out for some time to get a taste of freedom before I turn 30? I have shared space my entire life(two younger siblings). I am willing to maintain my bills and hers. I will remain faithful because I don't want anyone else. We can still sleep together at night be it my place or hers. I just want to be the only king in my castle for once. Is that so bad??
Would I be wrong for
Would I be wrong for seriously asking my gf of over 5 yrs to allow me to move out for some time to get a taste of freedom before I turn 30?
FIRST rule in adult independent life is that you don't need permission to live your life the way you need to.
Your GF isn't your mother and whilst I appreciate you thinking you need to ask so you are doing the right thing, I would handle it from your own personal need to, not because you think you have to ask permission if that makes sense.
Going by this statement you raise above, I think its a great idea you get out on your own. If it helps you any, my BD24 did this recently with her BF of 5+ years too for exactly the same reason you say you feel, and they are doing fine. They don't have any kids though.
Do what YOU need to do for YOU. ESPECIALLY seeing your GF is making the unilateral decision about not asking her bludging 18 year old to move out. Gee you are way too young to have to deal with that shit.
Well I guess my choice of
Well I guess my choice of words has given off the wrong impression here lol. I don't need permission for anything. I should have used the word "discussed" because I wouldn't just pack up and move without talking to her and letting her know why. I don't want to end the relationship. I just wanted to know if other people have had the experience of taking a step back in a relationship briefly and still being together in the long run.
I totally agree with everything that you have said in terms of how to live. I have most definitely done things on my own terms thus far and I don't intend on stopping now. I was just contemplating this as a possibility and wanted some input. Thanks I appreciate it!
Yes you would be wrong to
Yes you would be wrong to ask. :? Don't ask. Do it!!! You inform her but you do not ask for permission.
IMHO of course.
Happy new year and enjoy your independence.
Good luck.
My gf is definitely not
My gf is definitely not dating me for money. She works very hard for her own money and takes care of herself just fine. It's just that we have an arrangement that works for us. I do not intend on leaving the relationship so I want to hold up my end of the deal. I will still be home quite a bit after all. I just want a place so I get away from time to time.
Personally I have never lived
Personally I have never lived on my own either, but honestly if my partner/boyfriend told me that they wanted to live apart because they had never had that experience, I cannot say whether or not I would continue the relationship.
If you feel that you want/need that experience of standing on your own two feet, thats fine, if you want that experience of being "young and independent" again thats fine, but what you have to acknowledge is right now you are in a relationship, with someone with a child (adult child in her case lol), and that person may not be ok with the idea of you moving out and your relationship turning to a friends with benefits situation.
If your partner wants the stereotypical, dating, engaged, married together lifestyle she may well see this step as the first step towards you breaking up.
It doesnt make you or her wrong, but its something you need to consider.
You need to weigh up how important it is for you to experience living on your own, and you need to be aware that doing so may spell the end of this relationship. You cant have your cake and eat it too so to speak.
I have no intentions on
I have no intentions on ending the relationship. I literally just want a little place (nothing spectacular) on the side just to have a little time to myself sometimes. We have spent all this time building towards a comfortable life and I do not want to throw that away because of her son. We have no real problems outside of her that. We both agree that he needs to do something. Even she is ready for him to do something already. She talks to him constantly about it. It's just that she does not have the heart to throw him out and he of course knows this. So really this is my only issue at the moment. Just wanted to know if this sort of arrangement works for some people or not as far a having a separate residence.
I would not feel the need for
I would not feel the need for space if SS was being productive. My thing is if you hate school then actively seek employment. I can respect that. In fact I would offer my help again if I knew he actually cared about trying. I know then there would be an end in sight and that I could eventually get the space I'm seeking because he will eventually move on into adulthood. That would make me more patient because I am willing to help those that want to better themselves.
I feel like my gf is reaching the place I have reached some time ago lol. She talks and asks constantly about what he plans to do. She is growing tired of this constant struggle it seems but would feel guilty for throwing him out.
It's actually not all that
It's actually not all that crazy. There are a couple women here who DO have a house separate from their DH and skids. It works for some people.
If I might make a suggestion though? Don't tell her it's so you can "get a taste of freedom". She's likely to read that as code for "I want to sleep with other people". Tell her instead that you want a place for privacy - someplace you can go to be alone with your thoughts AND someplace the two of you can escape to together sometimes. Make sure she feels welcome there (assuming she is), and think of it more as a "retreat" than a "bachelor pad".