Dealing w stepchild's grandparents?
Hoping for some advice...support...I don't know.
We got married in February. I knew that she had her son, but he lived over half the time with her parents so I didn't really understand her relationship with him. He's 4 now. Good kid. He really is. It was just strange to go from us dating, hearing about how much she didn't want him, and then being married and all she wants is him. She tells me that I'm the reason...that now that we're married she didn't feel like she needed to worry about dating anymore so she felt more able to focus on her relationship with him.
Like I mentioned, up until we married he lived with her parents. He was born while she was living at their house. They raised him until we met. Now, we're living up here near them. They still take him out every now and then, both he and her dad love hiking. We don't really do anything with just her and I anymore. Most of the time he comes. That is ok...we're building a family, I guess. But it feels like we don't have anything between us anymore and she still has this expectation that now I'm her son's dad.
To make it all suck...she tells me after the adoption process went through that she wasn't really sure about us getting married, didn't really love me, and mostly went ahead with it so she could terminate the father's rights.
After all of that...she wants me to thank her parents all the time for watching her son, and do chores for them at their house to say thank you.
In my mind...he's practically more their's than mine. I'm feeling like I'm thanking them for something that would be logical in a normal family situation...but it just feels so awkward. Not to mention the issue that I'm holding major resentment toward my wife now. I would have backed out, but she got pregnant. I don't really know what to do, but this sucks.
I guess I just needed to vent somewhere.
Hmm. I posted right next to
Hmm. I posted right next to you my friend. I have not married into this situation yet but I feel your pain.
It sounds like you need to stand up for yourself. Dont take anything you are not comfortable with. Let your wife know you are his stepdad and you are doing the best you can.
Its amazing how these single moms just pawn it off like we are their original dad and always have been.
Stay strong and try to communicate with your wife about these issues. The resentment will build unless you let it all out.
Also I have not had a kid with my other. It may get better having your own kid and make it all seem that much more "worth" the trials. Hang onto that thought
I think I read your post too,
I think I read your post too, and like you said, I definitely feel for you as well.
If I could offer some un-requested advice: If it's bad, take it from someone who is already bound by marriage/adopting the child...get out. Get out now.
It is seriously the worst feeling...I don't even know if I can describe it right...to know that you are about to have your first child and to wish that she wasn't coming because you don't want to bring her into the mess you created by not getting out when you thought you should've. Now I'm at the point where I want to stick it out because we're having a child together, where she is saying that she is fine with divorce, child support, whatever...all because she got what she wanted: a sibling for her son and termination of the father's rights to him.
Well, the biggest red flag
Well, the biggest red flag for me in your story is....
"To make it all suck...she tells me after the adoption process went through that she wasn't really sure about us getting married, didn't really love me, and mostly went ahead with it so she could terminate the father's rights."
You've adopted this child? You got GOT! If ya know what I mean.
Here's a woman who put her dating life ahead of her own child's needs, and left him to her parents to raise. Until, she found a new sucker. You. Somehow she talks you into 'adopting' him. Her reasoning is b/c she wanted to terminate the Bio-dad's rights. Which is BS by the way. You didn't need to adopt him for that to happen. You do realize that you are now 50% responsible for him financially, right? You two divorce, you're now paying CS for a child that she "didn't want' and one that isn't even yours genetically. Now she is pregnant with your child? Did this happen before or after she told you that "she wasn't sure about getting married and didn't really love you?"
Add to this dynamic that she now feels like YOU owe HER parents some untold sum b/c they raised HER child for her, thereby making YOU the 'handyman du jour' whenever SHE says so.
Dude, get to a counselor and go see a lawyer ASAP. I have a sinking feeling that you've found a Cluster B woman.
Sorry for my directness. I don't mean to sound harsh but, this is quite the $hit hole you've fallen into. I'm guessing you already have a suspicion about how much trouble you're in here so I'll end here.
Best of luck to you!
Lol this post is pretty
Lol this post is pretty harsh. Mine is talking about wanting me to adopt SD6. No way.
What you need to do my friend is stop the bleeding. Get a counselor and talk to a lawyer. See if you can absolve that adoption. Hard when you have a kid on the way with her. Be civil and smart.
Stop the bleeding or try to stick it out if you two are actually good together.
Well sheesh, I did say I
Well sheesh, I did say I didn't mean to sound harsh, lol. I'm a straight shooter and very direct. No punches pulled. Sadly, the same can not be said of OP's wife. It appears that she's conveniently manipulated the scenario in her favor, and then blameshifts when he doesn't give in to her demands. I just call 'em like I see 'em.... or read 'em in this instance, lol.
Straddle two worlds long
Straddle two worlds long enough and you end up nowhere. ~Unknown~
That is brilliant. Yes manipulated him and twisted his spine. Some women are born to do that and law permits. Sad. Your good man. He commented back and knew his situation is a bad one.
I saw your thread too. You
I saw your thread too. You made your decision. Time to execute. It will only get harder with time, and you don't want her to end up preggars before she's out, right????
Be careful. There are women out there like 'that.' More than many know. :O
I agree with this post.. I
I agree with this post.. I feel for you, as I hope the context in the statement of "To make it all suck...she tells me after the adoption process went through that she wasn't really sure about us getting married, didn't really love me, and mostly went ahead with it so she could terminate the father's rights." was said in a heated argument. That is some hurtful words and if it was said in a calm conversation I would recommend some serious soul searching.
As for being part of the Family, being helpful to the PIL is sort of a given, provided you have a healthy relationship with them. If your SO thinks its because you should be thankful they gave you their GS and Daughter..then you should set her straight.
"I'm guessing you already
"I'm guessing you already have a suspicion about how much trouble you're in here so I'll end here."
Yup. I certainly do. I just feel paralyzed though. The pregnancy happened before all of that. I just thought we were starting a happy little family and then, BAM! shitstorm.
Now that my first child is on the way...I just don't know what to do. This whole thing sucks.
For real man. I really think
For real man. I really think im getting a counselor to help me through this. It's not a sign of weakness. This shit is hard.
Honestly if its any consolation. Be happy you are having a kid. I want one badly. It may not be ideal circumstances but that is what you must hang onto.
Sometimes others can see a situation better then ourselfs.....I will try to get out and run. Women dig their claws in.
I hope you read this
I hope you read this terrikitty. These threads get cluttered fast! But good luck to you! Never give up! And having a child isn't everything. I know many people who have none. And I am not sure how old you are but there may be a man out there who would adopt with you! Best of luck my friend.
Lol . I don't think shes
Lol
. I don't think shes too fond of the dog. She likes the king bed with the blinds you can pull shut. Shes going to want that. :? . I paid for both but she threw in $100 for the dog and $100 for the bed.
Yes I think i will be going lone wolf soon too. I have family and am sorry yours is gone :/.
Listen, I don't blame you for
Listen, I don't blame you for feeling paralyzed with all of this. It is quite the story. What you have to do now, is decide what you want out of this. Sooner rather than later.
The fact that she now 'isn't sure' doesn't surprise me at all. She sounds typical for a Cluster B.
Kitty you said captain in
Kitty you said captain in your post. This is about usednewdaddy!
Apparently his 'now wife'
Apparently his 'now wife' waited until AFTER they were married, the adoption went through, and got pregnant.... before she told him that 'she wasn't sure.' You can read between the lines.
Hopefully all the T's haven't
Hopefully all the T's haven't been crossed with this adoption. Still, he now has to deal with having a child with her. Me thinks he's in for a hard road.
Yeah usednewdaddy. Read the
Yeah usednewdaddy. Read the above post ^. Is there proof of all of this. You may not be underwater yet.
@ usednewdaddy Here's a link
@ usednewdaddy
Here's a link for you. Basically the how's behind the Cluster B and relationships.
http://psychopathsandlove.com/stages-of-the-psychopathic-relationship/
Thank you everyone for
Thank you everyone for responding. I wasn't sure if anyone would care when I posted. Someone mentioned that I was feeling panicked...and that is spot on. I don't know, it's like I've been willing myself not to feel anything hoping to preserve our marriage and to figure out what in the world I can do about our upcoming baby, and then today it just all came through and all I could think was, "Oh shit. What am I going to do?!"
I still don't know what I'm going to do. Terrikitty, you mentioned Fathers' Rights attorneys. You wouldn't happen to know any in the Spokane area?
Thank you AlreadyGone for sharing that post...I found myself saying, "holy shit" a few times. I did that to myself, you're totally right, that is exactly how our relationship played out.
Captain Obvious, et. al., I'm not as worried about child support issues with her son. She claims that she wouldn't make me pay for him. Even if she did, there is a definite hole in the adoption. It was performed in Idaho, his father lives in Colorado. Idaho's requirements are pretty straightforward, sign a paper in front of a judge and you're basically done. Colorado requires classes. The biological father didn't want to bother with that, so he signed the papers in front of a notary. The judge in Idaho let us know that if the father ever decided to return the issue to court that the adoption would get thrown out but the judge decided to proceed anyway. That sounds like a definite hole to me.
I'm more worried that I was used to father a child when all my wife cared about was giving her son a sibling and getting a daughter for herself, while she was fine with sending me away and me just paying child support. I feel conned.
Anyway, thank you again everyone. It helps to have this support. I'm really glad that I found this.
I have to ask... as someone
I have to ask... as someone who apparently DOES want to be a parent - WHY would you date a woman who was unwilling/unable to care for her child? As well as have inadequately protected sex? I honestly feel sorry for both kids involved.
Yes sir, throughout my life i
Yes sir, throughout my life i had a women get pregnant after we broke up and I think it was a ploy to keep me. There are many games but you don't mess with a guys heart like that.
Thankfully the womans child was not mine. But I learned since my younger years. That was really hard on me. It was used as a way to get back at me for leaving her. Can't believe it happened like that, it lasted a long time before we knew. There must be a lot of women out there who do this....Thankfully the kid was by the next guy who dated her. Weird though and I am not proud of that situation.
This is the story in a
This is the story in a nutshell...
OP met woman who had a child that apparently wasn't as important to her as her social life so, she let her parents raise her child. While dating, OP's GF made comments along the lines of, 'she wasn't ready to be a mother, didn't want the child' etc. Things progressed (as they usually do in this situation) and OP marries this woman. After the marriage takes place, cast off son suddenly becomes a top priority to now wife. OP is fine with that (even though he secretly questions why all of a sudden wife is interested in being a mother.) Then wife asks OP to adopt her son and OP does. OP has stated that he likes the child and the child is an overall good kid. At some point along the way, wife becomes pregnant with OP's child. OP is ok with this UNTIL wife basically starts telling him (right after the adoption goes through) that she "wasn't really sure about them getting married, didn't really love him, and mostly went ahead with it so she could terminate the bio-father's rights." Add to this fact, that now wife is constantly expecting OP do be Mr. Handyman and Sir Beck-n-call to HER parents. Wife also expects OP to continuously thank her parents for every thing they do/have done for/with wife's BS. Kind of like servitude for HER leaving her BS for them to raise.(Long before OP was in the picture.) OP has basically become the servant to wife, SS, and wife's parents. OP is unhappy and rightly so IMHO.
If you read between the lines and pay attention to the timeline here, you will understand his unhappiness and confusion.
Hope this helps explain his story better. Whew! LOL.