Dazed and Confused and need to Vent
Glad to find this site. Just reading it made me feel better. Got married not too long ago to a really wonderful woman. We did not live together before marriage - to set a proper example for her son. She has 50/50 custody of her son. OK here are my vents - if I am wrong in thinking these events and actions are improper please let me know. I do like to at least think I have an open mind. Forgive me if my abbreviations are not up to speed.
The ss is more spoiled than any child I have ever known.
He is 11 and cries/screams/yells whenever he does not get his way.
His whining is non-stop - like nails on a chalk board.
Cries so much he makes himself sick.
DW caters to his every whim even cuts his hot dogs for him. And he gets very angry if she forgets! He once screamed at her for getting butter on the ends of his corn on the cob because it was too slippery to eat - could have won the academy award for his acting that night!
He is the most amazing drama king I have ever seen - everything is a story of how he was wronged. He even has prat falls in his bag of tricks. It is really something to see.
She sleeps with him every Friday night (Called their special treat?). When we were first married it used to be in our B-room and I was relegated to the guest room. I put an end to that at least. Now she sleeps downstairs with him on Friday nights. I believe he is too old for it and have let her know. She disagrees.
He talks down to her and belittles her.
He screams at her with rage in his voice and eyes.
She told me she picks her battles with him. My reply was there should be no battles.
It has gotten worse since we got married. I believe he is getting used to me being around and his true colors are coming out more and more. The kid does not really get into any mischief (which I could handle), but that is only because he is with one of his two parents at ALL times. I told the dw that I could handle a little sass and mischief. Even the occasional broken window or something normal 11 yo's do. But this is full blown disrespect and it should not be.
I sort of feel sorry for him, I had a lot of independence at his age.
I have been asked to not discipline and try to watch my replies (there are issues with custody and the bf). It is so hard, but I do understand. I have told dw that she needs to realize that she is my wife and I would not allow anyone to talk to her that way.
I told her last night that it would not surprise me if he starts to hit her. She went silent. I did not push it, I could tell by her silence that he already has. I did advise her that if I ever witnessed that - I would intervene. I also advised her that if he starts to treat me that way I will NOT take it like she does. We can deal with the ex afterwards.
This child is not advised of the consequences of his actions, by either bf or bm (Yes they both spoil him rotten).
He does not treat the bf as bad. But he is still a brat to him.
I'd love ot say he's agood kid most of the time, but anymore it is he can be a good kid some of the time - possibly - if he gets everything he wants and when he wants it.
It is early in our marriage and I can already see that this may divide us. She will not bend on issues with him.
I am trying for now to back off and stay out of his way. I try to remove myself when he is acting up, which is a lot lately. It is really hard to keep my emotions in check.
My ex and I had chosen to not have children, so I have no experience. I just need to know if I am being unreasonable. I believe I am a patient person, but it is running very thin.
My apologies for the disjointed rant!
Any advice???
I really have no advice. But
I really have no advice. But no, that is not 'normal' 11 yo behavior. Your wife needs help and doesn't realize it. His kid needs a tough me role model to set him straight. But I she doesn't want you to interfere... I would at least stick up for her. The next ime you see ss being disrespectful to his mom then set him straight and tell him that in your house you will not put up with anyone being disrespectful to your wife & if it continues to happen then there will be consequences. The kid needs counseling. There are reasons he is abusive and they need to be dealt wih sooner than later. Would she be willin to put him in counseling?
Thanks for the reply. It's
Thanks for the reply. It's strange, but I felt a little better just putting it all down last night.
I have also recommended counsleing and advised her this will not get better on its own. She has mentioned before about him seeing a school counselor, but nothing beyond that. I believe it is needed and will continue to advise her so. I am worried about the future consequneces for him. If not corrected, one of these days he will turn his rage on someone who will not be as tolerant as I am or his parents are.
I am reserving my comments toward him for now. Eventually there are things that will need to be said. I just do not feel it is my place right now. If she is not consistently correcting his behavior, it will be hard for me to do so. I believe that she needs to begin confronting it first.
On a slightly positive note, she actually punished him today for his behavior. Maybe it is a start I do not know.
Thanks again!
Or maybe show her the replies
Or maybe show her the replies to your post...? Sometimes just the act of knowing that it is actually enough of a problem for you to register and post on a website is enough of a kick-in-the-pants to change things.
Thought of that also -
Thought of that also - thanks. Something to keep in mind! I also read about journaling the actions in another post and think I might start that as well just to keep a record.
Good for you for not moving
Good for you for not moving in together before marriage. So few parents see the harm in shacking up.
You married a ineffective woman when it comes to parenting and I'd stick to your decision to not have children of your own.
Its likely both parents are compensating out of guilt over their divorce. You are on the right track by dealing with Mom instead of the kid. Mom has to be the disciplinarian here.
In addition to the video and diary you can get some books on discipline from the library or Amazon.com or other booksellers. Mom has forgotten, and Dad also apparently, that their number one priority is preparing their kid to become a independent citizen.
How can this kid participate in normal social life if he emerges from his family expecting Mom and Dad to do everything for him? He will be crippled emotionally. But you already know all this. Your priority is helping Mom come to realize this.
DTNRT: After reading your
DTNRT:
After reading your post it sounds very much what I am and have gone through. I know exactly what you are talking about. When I was single with no children I meet my wife who had a 10 year old son. That was 7 years ago and now I am married to this woman and the SS is now 17. We were married just over 4 years now. SS is disrespectful to his mom then and now. Not so much now but still disrespectful. Like your self I didn't know if I should intervene or not but I did and that slowed it down quite abit but didn't stop it. DW won't back me up and always stands up or protects SS. It drives me crazy. I love my wife more then anything and don't see myself leaving her but the thought has crossed my mind many times. After I calm down and come to my senses the thought goes away. I do lots of things for my DW which includes chauffering SS around everywhere. He doesn't do anything around the house, except I did get him to pick up all the dogs poop twice a week. That was the only way I was going to get him a dog. I have to remind him from time to time but he does it. But that is about it. He is a completely spoiled rotten 17 year old. He doesn't drive yet only because he hasn't or isn't interested in spending the time to take driver's ed. He is a very smart kid lots of AP classes and gets A's, no drug or alcohol problems. But has a bad attitude and is very disrespectful. He ignores me and we only talk when we have to. We have not bonded, lord knows that I have tried. And there is no appreciation for anything that I or DW does for him. SS doesn't get along with his BF and has lived with us for the last 2 years. From time to time DW and I go out of town(for business) and SS has to stay with BF and there is usually a big fight between them. I usually don't get involved with the disciplining part but I do intervene when it gets out of hand and DW can't handle him. I don't like to do it but I have to and I don't feel good about doing it. He really doesn't disrespect me because he knows I won't play his game and I will say something straight to his face. But that doesn't say he doesn't try. The biggest problem that I see is that my DW doesn't see things the same way I do. Like Orange County Ca says We have to try to get them prepared to be an independent citizen. I don't want him to live with us the rest of his life. No problem visiting but just don't live here. He will be going to college next year but he has never had a job or an intrest in one. Which means we will be flipping the bill. The whole bill. I am not looking forward to that part. And he is not my kid and he won't appreciate it anyway. So I have to ask myself what do I do?? I could tell you lots of stories about SS and his attitude and DW undermining me if front of him. But you will find out and have your own stories to tell. You already told us some. Boy that felt good to write.
No, that is not normal. At
No, that is not normal. At 11, he needs to be sleeping alone. What, is she supposed to go spend Boy Scout camp with him too, so he doesn't have to sleep alone? Is she going to cut his food up for him in college? He's not 4, he's 11.
The two of you sleeping apart is a huge conflict already. SS knows he is effectively pushing y'all apart, and he gets all of his mom's attention for himself that way. Mom encourages it by choosing her child over her mate. Well, if she continues that, one day she will get just that: her child with NO MATE. No stepparent will be able to tolerate that very long without it causing big resentment.
By marrying you, she effectively chose you as her adult partner and co-parent. This means, to me, that your needs and concerns should come before his. Otherwise, how can y'all create a united, strong, and structural front to a child? She is still acting like a "guilty parent" who wants to be fun, not push the envelope, and not risk her ex from yanking all custody from her. What she is creating, however, is a child who is emotionally screwed. He has no guidelines or boundaries, and will grow worse and worse. SHe doesn't allow you to take the role of leader and have any power, and the kid knows she can be bullied. As you said, he has probably struck her in anger, and IT WILL GET WORSE.
The two of you should really, really, really see a marriage counselor. A counselor will tell her that what she is doing is hurting the kid, not helping, and will destroy her current marriage as well. Good luck, dude. Vent anytime, we all need it.
I have not been online in a
I have not been online in a couple of days. Wanted to thank you all for your replies! It most certainly did feel better letting go of it. And the way this last year has gone, I am certain I will be venting again. I'd really like to be positive about it, but I am also a realist.
Reading all of your replies helped a great deal. Not sure where this will all lead, but knowing I am not alone is of comfort.
Funny, in a way this experience is helping me appreciate my own parents and upbringing. I was raised to be very independent to the point of resentment over a number of issues. But seeing this has shown me, that had I been raised as this boy is being raised, I may not have made it through some of the rough patches in my life. Very well could have ended up as that middle aged guy living in his parents basement (not out of necessity, but out of choice), or worse. I think I have to thank my parents for being parents, not buddies, playthings and servants.
If DW and I make it, I just hope this kid isn't living in our basement 20 years from now!
Agreed, and triple *like* I
Agreed, and triple *like* I never got one that I didn't deserve. I learned very fast what would get me one, and I quit acting up, so I didn't get too many.
I'm such an idiot b/c when I
I'm such an idiot b/c when I blog, I usually use the "SM's" or talk from the female version, and there are so many males out there. I just realized how often I do that, sorry guyz, I'll work on it. You are so not alone. Just keep venting, it really does help!
I'm new to this whole
I'm new to this whole parenting thing and sort of stepped into being a step parent. My boyfriend had the same problem with his 3yo, he felt so guilty about his BM acting crazy and his daughter being upset that he'd cave to her. We talked about it and I told him how I felt about it. It was not an easy discussion and we had to have it multiple times, and sometimes it ended with tears and hurt feelings on both sides. Ultimately he realized that I wasn't being unreasonable and he knew he needed to set more consistent boundaries in order to be a good parent to his daughter and a good partner to me. Hopefully your wife comes to this same realization.. but it's a journey and a process you both need to go through
I also highly recommend this book that may help your wife called ScreamFree Parenting. It's the only parenting book I've gotten so far and it's been totally awesome and comprehensive. It doesn't talk about how to be a parent so much as how to do some self reflection and how to be a better parent by taking care of your own emotional issues.
NOBODY is going to spank this
NOBODY is going to spank this kid. As a step-father don't even threaten it. Mom isn't going to do it for sure.
As a step-parent you are powerless in this situation. The boys Mom has told you many times that your input is not wanted so stop giving it. Accept the fact that Mom is not going to change. Never.
Although we were not from a "broken" family my brother was catered to by our mother as he was the sickly and became the needy one. As a result he ended up living with our parents until they died and never was able to establish a relationship with a woman. I'm not complaining about my brother - I pity him. His mother ruined him.
Your decision is how long are you going to invest in this woman and her kid. It's impossible to predict the future but I know for a fact that kids, all kids, never really go away and it doesn't look like they kid is going to come anywhere near being independent.
Unless you're ready to spend the rest of your life clamping your jaws shut while your wife spends her time and the family money taking care of this kid it might be time to move on.