Am I living on borrowed time?
I have an 18 year old step son with autism. He graduated from high school last year. He lives with his father about 800 miles away. Mostly my wife goes up for visits about once every three months or so, holidays etc. We have been married for about four years. He comes down and visits every summer for two weeks. Thankfully I'm in the final three days before he goes back home. When wife moved down here I was aware of him. He remained behind because dad did not want him to leave and threatened to fight her in court. However, once he turned 18, my wife started making comments about how that now that he's 18 he can make his own choice about where to live. When she made that comment I made it clear that him living with us was not going to work. She didn't get angry when I told her this and said she understood. However, she asked me what happens if something happens to his father? My response was that I would help him but it had to be with the goal of him getting into some kind of program that would help him live independently. That I'm not okay with having someone live with us forever.
Then I steered the conversation to asking about what their plans are for him as an adult. Was he going to get a job? Go to college? Etc. I wound up taking it upon myself to get in contact with an organization that helps find jobs for autistic adults. It took a while because of Covid-19, but eventually he got a job. He kept it two weeks and that was it. He's very lazy and he's been coddled his entire life. I should have known that it wouldn't last.
My problem is that neither of his parents will make any effort to find out about anything at all for him. After the job failure, then wife starts asking me to look into community college for him. I refuse to help anymore. I told her that everyone has a phone, internet access and everyone has time to stare at their phones and it wouldn't take a minute for them to look into things. Also I have brought up the point that if they both die, who is going to take care of him?
Last time we spoke about all of this, she told me that she feels extremely guilty about him being up there and if she didn't love me so much she would move back to take care of him.
My biggest fear is that there will come a day where this will land on my doorstep. I cannot really do much because it hasn't happened yet. I'm in therapy and this situation is a good part of the reason why. I don't feel like that I can be secure in my marriage because if the day comes and I'm asked the answer is going to be no. I am old enough and been married enough times to realize that even if I tried to make it work it would eventually destroy our marriage.
I think he would be happier and better off in some sort of assisted living facility. Plus he would have a place to stay even after they are both gone. However, I don't know what else I can do. Does anyone have any advice?
You are totally correct
I can't find a single fault in what you say. You've probably already done too much (the job). You are totally correct that the parents are perfectly capable of scoping out colleges. Heck, it doesn't sound like your SD is mentally challenged, he could do it himself!
I'm glad you are in therapy. That will help you keep your boundaries strong. Good luck.
If your suggesting assisted
If your suggesting assisted living, it sounds like his autism is fairly severe? I know autism can be overwhelming, but I have 3 on various levels of the spectrum, and can tell you its for life.
At least one of mine will be home with us forever. I don't know, but as a mom if I was married to someone who didn't have empathy for my son, it wouldn't fly for me. He's disabled, and I wouldn't think to highly of anyone who chose a new partner over a adult/child who needed them.
If it's not for you, that's understandable, but your wife may resent it at some point if she thinks your making her choose your happiness over taking care of her son.
Not sure how severe
I'm not sure how severe it is. I'm thinking of him when I speak of finding a living arrangement for him that's not living with a family member the rest of his life. We are both in our early fifties and his dad is in his late fifties, what happens when they are both gone? Homeless? Let the state decide? I'm the only person that has made any efforts to try and help him have a life that's not sitting at home and playing video games and getting diabetes from a diet of nothing but pretty much junk food all day. How is that not having empathy? This is a person who is very intelligent and has the potential to live a more fulfilling life. How is wanting that for them bad ? I would feel the same way if he was my biological kid.
My husband and I have a trust
My husband and I have a trust set up for my SS. When we die he will go to a residential living facility. We aren't going to burden our other kids with the guilt of caring for him. But that is why we have arranged things like we have.
Of course it's not wrong to
Of course it's not wrong to want more for him, not at all. It just sounds like she has a different plan for him, and at the end of the day, it's not your decision to make.
I'm simply saying, from my perspective as a special needs mom, I would not be cool feeling like I was forced to place my son somewhere. So maybe she's not there yet. He's only 18. Maybe drop it for a bit, and just focus on now, like job training or school. Trust me, it can be very overwhelming, so...baby steps.
I agree and I have decided to
I agree and I have decided to drop ever brining anything up about it to her again. I have made everything quite clear as far as how I feel about the situation. I am in therapy, and my therapist uses Choice Theory. Basically it states that the only person's behavior that we can control is our own. That we have our own tasks and should not interfere with the tasks of others, and all we do is behave and react. Basically, for my own sanity, he suggested that I leave it alone and deal with the situation once it lands on my door step if and when it ever does. Also, he agrees that I have every right to not want him there, since the possiblity of him living with us was never discussed with me prior to marriage and he was not brought with her when we got together. So basically, putting me in the position of having to accept him is vastly altering the marriage agreement. I have to learn to cope better with not knowing what the future holds. It's just hard considering that I love her and I don't want to have to be put into a postion like this.
The answer is maybe.. you may
The answer is maybe.. you may be living on borrowed time. Of course, if this young man is not capable of living independently.. if something happens to his father.. he may well have to move in with his mother and you.
My father had a neighbor who was a widow with an adult son that lived with her.. he definitely had issues.. but his parents never really had him diagnosed and just let him stay at home with them.. likely he had some aspbergers/autism etc.. he wasn't unintelligent.. but socially unable to function in a larger society.. The problem was that mom ended up with breast cancer that ultimately took her life. There were some family members.. but I don't think anyone was interested in taking the guy in... and since mom had never really had him "in the system" with a known disability.. getting SSI was denied. They moved out west shortly before she passed away.. and my dad lost touch with what happened at that point.. but there were not a lot of resources.. so I'm not sure what the outcome could have been.
You are absolutely spot on for suggesting that this issue needs to be discussed and a plan worked out.. it could be that your wife and her EX will likely pass before the son does.. what happens then? Honestly, i think it's kindest if a trasition to some kind of group home life is facilitated while the parents and family are still around to support that transition vs happening when the man is grieving a loss. But, I also don't know the financial circumstances of your wife and her EX.. whether they can support such a move to him.. if there are govt resources etc.. but it definitely should be explored... and they should have an idea of what the professionals think his potential for independent living is... they aren't doing him favors by coddling him.. they will be gone one day.
The thing that puzzles me
Is I don't understand how and why they depend on me to do the research. I'm not some sort of internet wizard who has a magical power to do research about what is available for him and how to go about getting help. I don't mind helping do the research, but I can't do it all by myself. Seems like they have plenty of time for Facebook, games, Twitter etc but not to do a little research and start contacting people. I'm not the decision maker in the process so if I do, and someone contacts me back, I can't really answer their questions or make any kind of decisions. I get very frustrated by this.
sounds like they have been a
sounds like they have been a bit head in the sand over his condition. Unfortunately, getting a handle on it and making plans now is important. They may have felt like they had all thetime in the world.. but in reality.. one or both of them could be gone in an instant.. and it's really unfair to not provide for some support for him.. unless there are other family members willing and able to step in.. and even then.. it isn't necessarily fair to assume a sibling or aunt/uncle etc.. will take care of him for life. it's a big obligation.
If there is any chance he can be launched with some level of independent living..they would be doing him a kindness to get him into it.. he may be resistant.. but it will be better now with parents alive to support him than when he is an orphan.
It sounds like they are trying to avoid reality.
As a step parent of an
As a step parent of an Autistic 21 yr old, I understand. My SS lives with us full time. It is a lot many days.
I was the one to advocate for much of the resources that my SS has now. My husband is active duty and has a pretty intense schedule, so much of the burden fell on me.
I am not sure if he is on disability or not, but that process needs to start if it hasn't. Also contact DARS (department of aging and rehabilitation) for your area as soon as he comes to live with you, if that happens. It can take a year or more in some cases to get him into the program but they have job assistance, job coaches and vocational training. Your SS will need a purpose in life. If his dad isn't pushing that he contribute in some way, you are going to have to.
Unfortunately, when it comes to disabled kids, you can't just send them away. Your wife doesn't have a choice if her ex decides it is her turn. It all comes down to what you can handle and if your wife and you can work as a team to get him living a semi productive life.
My SS works at a gas station 3 days a week, 4 hr shifts. We make him pay rent. He has also been going to welding school for the past 2 years at night. It has all been really good for him. I don't think he will be able to be a welder as a profession, it is too high stress and demanding. But the gas station is good to him. He cleans up the parking lot and maintains the coffee area. He has support and a purpose.
Counseling?
As I have mentioned above, I have gone to counseling and suggested that my wife go along too. I'm at a point to where I no longer know how to talk about the issues and if I keep bringing them up, I don't want to come off as being controlling or nagging. I definitely plan to ask him in the next session about how to approach the issue and get the ball rolling again. I see this as being a direct threat to our marriage. I understand that a day will come where his dad can't watch him. I also know enough about myself to know that I can't take in someone to live with us forever. It would erode our marriage to the point where I don't think we could stay together, especially after the past two weeks and seeing him not having any boundaries.
I think counseling is a
I think counseling is a wonderful idea. There is nothing wrong with making the lines clear for communication and making sure your wife understands your threshold limits.
It is also 100% ok to know that you don't want to spend your retirement years taking care of him. That if the time comes for him to move out of dad's house, he needs to move into a long term care facility if he can't live on his own.
DH and I have plans to expand our garage and create an apartment for my SS. That way we can monitor him closely but have space away from him.
Sometimes we can get to the
Sometimes we can get to the same place via different routes. You might find that she balls up and gets defensive if you start calling her son a "threat to your marriage". You might get more traction if you try to lead her to the fact that this in fact is the kindest and most loving thing she and her EX can do for her son.. to ensure that he has a sustainable living plan even after they are gone.. and that when they are gone isn't the time for a guy who is ill equipped (her son) to deal with this to try to wade into it on his own.
Your wife has her head in the sand
She doesn't want to think about anything. Does not want want to make plans. She just comes up with ideas. Community. College, or maybe peace core. Or medical school.
She doesn't want to deal with it so she doesn't Everything will work out LOL.
When I owned my own company I
When I owned my own company I employed a number of special needs adults who lived in monitored group homes. They were some of my most reliable workers with some great people interface skills. I had to overlook being told nearly every day ".... I am going to kill you." which was one of their go to jokes. But I would have given up half of my staff for 4 more of them. They worked hard, were extremely personable, and as I said... rain or shine, heat, cold, they were at work. Their home monitors were great people to. They would do work visits periodically to check up on their charges and engage with me on any issues they could work with the people to improve on.
Any parent has to have the goal of their child launching into viable adult hood. For parents of special needs adult children, mainstreaming has to be the goal. If that is not possible, the goal is to get their kids as close to main stream as is possible. A parent cannot and should not be their child's life. Even special needs adults need a life of their own.
I completely agree with your
I completely agree with your forethought to plan ahead for SSs future and can understand your frustration.
At this point it may be likely your wife is the type of person who is just not a planner and only addresses issues as they come.
I agree you should not do the work for her or BD, but your wife may want or appreciate some help on getting information.
A good place to start is contacting your state office for developmental disabilities. They can send information about resources available. She should also get involved in counseling as the counselor can help her through this process so it isn't falling on your shoulders.
That's what I did for my SO I got him involved in counseling and got him a parent advocate he meets with once a week so I could remove myself from being involved in issues pertaining to his kids and Thier mental health issues.
How did it work
Can you tell me how you convinced him to go? I almost have my wife agreeing to go to counseling, but I'm not sure what to say to get her to go.