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I need help!

Ks17's picture

Hi I'm new to this page and I'm hoping someone can help me please. 

Long story short my step son is almost 7. I've been with his dad since the child was 3. We have him at weekends.  Quite often I finish work and fetch him on my own so it's more fair on his mum. His mum and I talk now and then we're all civil.  My stepson has always had a close bond with me and I treat him like my own.  I'm 24 his dad is 28.

My stepson has health issues  he's epileptic/ adhd/ autistic/ being tested for different kinds of autism and he's an only child on both sides . He's always been spoilt.  I think it's only child syndromes! 

Now for the challenging behaviour part... 

One minute he's a beautiful boy and he's perfect to be around, the next he's like a devil child: he's thrown my phone at me , at wall's,  he's thrown eggs all over my kitchen and at me, he's thrown a bag of pasta all over the kitchen,  his dinner has been thrown,  TV,  he hits me,  spits at me,  swears, tonight I took him out on his scooter he's usually good and listens but tonight he was so obnoxious,  he played up trying to ride on the road so I said for this behaviour you can walk with your scooter and hold my hand until the end of the road. Anyway he ran off over a busy road, I stopped him and said now if you want to ride this scooter at all this journey you will apologise and walk with me until the end of the jitty.  He stropped again picked up a stone and threw it at a parked car on a drive.  I walked up to him and he ran off. I looked like a mad woman chasing after him.  He went back to the busy road shouting she's going to kill me! 

Honestly I'm at my end every time we have him I end up sitting alone in my car , bedroom,  bathroom in tears thinking it's me.  

 

He's naughty for my partner, child's dad but he ignores it,  anything for an easy life.  Child won't get dressed so dad bribes him.  I've asked his mum what she does and she says he doesn't do it for her . A load of b! 

I've tried to ask the school they can't talk to me.  I'm literally in pieces over that boy. I love him but he puts a strain on our relationship when he's so naughty sometimes.  

My partner works nights so I fetch little one aftwr work and have him at bed time.  Not so little he's heavy so I struggle to restrain when he hits me.  

It's embarrassing to say I get terrorised by a 6 nearly 7 year old but I feel as though I do.  

He was baking with me last weekend beautifully then randomly put of no where he pulls my hair and proper rags it hurting me, again for no reason. 

I'm at the point where I feel as though I can't tell anyone because they form opinions of me and child and I appear like I can't cope.  I feel weak and defeated.  Any help will be gravely appreciated. 

 

hereiam's picture

If you want to stay in this relationship, in which your partner's lack of parenting is part of the problem, you need to stop being alone with this boy. If your partner cannot pick him up or be home when his kid is there, the kid should stay with his mother.

The child is not your responsibility, no matter how much you think you love your partner.

Frankly, I have little respect for your partner for even subjecting you to this child and expecting you to care for him, especially in your partner's absence.

You need to stand up for yourself and tell your partner you will no longer be alone with his son.

 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, time for this kid to stay with BM if your husband isn't home. It's not your job to deal with the child they have ruined with poor parenting,nor is it your job to "make it more fair" for BM. 

Ks17's picture

His BM tells my partner off when he only have him for one night hence why I fetch for the full weekend. My partner works nights.  What do doctors do about kids behaviours to help the parents ?

hereiam's picture

It is still not your responsibility to take the child when your partner works. What would he do if you were not in the picture?

So what, BM tells him off. If he has to work, he has to work. She gets and wants that child support, no? She cannot force him (you) to take the kid if he has to work.

You are 24 and way too young to have to deal with someone elses parenting issues and ill behaving child. Go live your life! At the very least, stop being their babysitter.

Evil4's picture

At 24 you have your whole life ahead of you. You do not need this shit! What happens when this kid becomes a man-sized teenager and decks you? You'll end up in the hospital or worse. He will get worse because he's not being deterred from physically abusing you so he'll become more and more dangerous. He sounds very wreckless too. If he got hit by a car trying to get away from you when riding his scooter you better believe that his BM will blame you. Your SO is not worth it. If you really don't want to break up with him then move out and date him when he doesn't have his out of control kid with him. Your SO isn't parenting him and will likely use his DS' diagnoses as excuses to "take it easy" in him. You are not responsible for this very difficult boy. I've worked in "the system" for 30 years and I've seen professionals have great difficulty with kids like your SS. You are not weak or defeated for having boundaries. It isn't weak to do something to prevent further physical abuse to yourself. Don't let BM or your SO gaslight you into caring for this kid. 

The Neverending Story's picture

You said he's already diagnosed with several issues/disorders and being tested for others. Dad and BM need to tell his doctors about the outbursts, violent behaviors, horrendous mood swings. And if your a primary caregiver then you would need to be listened to and taken seriously. Dad and BM need to include your input to the doctors and then you be fully informed what the doctors recommend happen next. Or even attend those appointments.

BM might say he never does these things with her. Maybe true, maybe not. But you said your H sees some of it. 

As the docs are testing him they need to know he demonstrates these behaviors to make a fully informed and  proper diagnosis. If hes on any meds then possibly those need adjusted or his medication regimen changed. If your ss has specific routines or triggers (common with autism) then those have to be handled consistently by everyone who takes care of him. You need to be informed what they are and how to deal with them...but dad and BM need to be doing this too.

Its possible that a lot of things could be happening. It could be ss gets sensory overloaded and then acts out as a response to that overload. The wiring for reactions and emotions may not be lined up correctly so he reacts in ways that make no sense to others around him. Some of it could just also be the willful spoiled child coming out.

Whatever it is, dad and BM need to take a proactive roll in addressing this childs mental health needs and the behavioral issues. If your going to be fully involved in caring for him you have to be part of it too.

I totally get feeling terrorized by a kid, had one to deal with myself. I was overwhelmed and its just damn embarrassing to say I couldn't handle this child. But kids acting like this is not always just kids stuff or being spoiled...sometimes there's the cognitive and mental health issues that are just not the norm. 

Dad and BM need to step it up. Be on the same page, not ignoring the elephant in the room, and address the issues. You need to be included in ss's treatment plan and on the same page as dad and BM.

If they can't do those things then your tasked with the unwinable scenario. You have no legal rights and if they won't help their child then neither can you.

 

 

 

 

LittleCloud9's picture

I don't know much about autism, but I do have experience as a stepparent to an ADHD child. ADHD can really impact a child's behavior. It affects their impulse control among other things. It's important for your partner to learn about his child's conditions and it could help you to cope better if you research some things. He may need medication to level out his brain functions and help him focus. Or there maybe therapies and parenting techniques that would better help. Each case is different and each child will need personalized support. A doctor can help give you some guidance and maybe recommend an experienced therapist.
 

A kids behavior can improve dramatically when these conditions are carefully addressed. That being said this child will likely have specialized needs throughout his life. His dad will definitely need to step up and address those needs no matter what. You will have to decide what is the best path for you. Best wishes to you and the little boy