When they Say they don't want to visit their Dad because of you....
Hi there,
I am a step mother of 3 beautiful children but I have my hard times. Actually its just getting harder with the eldest SS6. We've had talks and discussions about the fact that I have equal say in the house and that he should respect me and listen to what I ask of him. I never do the "do what I say NOW" thing. I always ask and then I get cranky when I get the attitude. My DH and I have been working on SS6 for a while now and its has brought me to tears just recently. When SS6 said he doesn't want to come to Daddy's anymore because of me. This followed with his answer for not listening to me "it feels wrong when you tell me to do something'.
I'm concerned as I don't want any of them to feel uncomfortable in the home and I most certainly would never stop my DH from seeing his children.
What should I do?
Children should be taught to
Children should be taught to do what any adult caring for them asks them to do. It's no different than his teacher asking him to put away something or a doctor asking him to sit still. You are an adult caring for him so he should listen to you. In an emergency ss6 will need to do what a cop/fireman/emt needs him to do. What happens if he is at a friends house and the mother there asks him to do something? He needs to learn to listen period. In my opinion explaining it to him in a way that points all these ppl ( teacher, cop, etc...) Might help. Oh and dad backing you up will do wonders. Good luck.
Thank you so much! I was at
Thank you so much! I was at my wits end with this and I would never place an ultimatum! I just wanted this to work and now you have given me a wider perspective! I will pass this information to my DH and let him explain it to SS6 (as it will sound better from him). If I have any more issues with it I will update here.
As you can tell I'm not a forceful person, I hate yelling, I hate getting angry so I will put up with a lot. I still firmly sit with the Biological parent should talk to their children about concerns of any Adult regardless of relationship. If the child respects their parent this does make a huge difference in everything. I tend to suffer in silence and vent over email to my DH which is better than me lashing out (have done that before and it didn't end well). It also lets me look over what I wrote and decide whether or not it is acceptable (would I get defensive if this were sent to me?)
Thank you again!
your welcome. I was raised to
your welcome. I was raised to respect everyone. You may hate someone, but there is no need to disrespect them. Just be polite/civil. Plus they can talk crap all they want, but I will not so they end up looking like the fool. Kids now days need a reality check. A adult in charge is adult in charge no matter the relationship to the child. "Your not my mommy/daddy" bs would not fly in school so its shouldnt at home.
I agree that his father should have the talk, but discuss what he'll say to the child so you are on the same page. then when the boy acts up you can say "I am he adult taking care of you, you need to listen to me." or whatever the dad says so its a reminder and shows the boy you two are a united front. The father needs to practice this as well. SS6 will eventually get it. As he gets older he'll have teachers and other school officials he'll have to listen to as well, might as well learn it now.
^^^LIKE^^^
^^^LIKE^^^
^^^^this!!!^^^
^^^^this!!!^^^
I'm not sure what the BM says
I'm not sure what the BM says or does but as far as the three children are concerned her word is gospel. She doesn't strike me as the bitching type but then again I have only had one confrontation with her and she didn't like my suggestions to the point that my work email has blocked her for vulgar language... She called my partner to apologise for getting cross with me but I apparently needed to be put in my place. She will not take advice from someone who hasn't had children (regardless of my 5-6 years of experience in child care and year of studying child psychology). She isn't an emotionally responsive person, this is what broke them apart. It baffled my partner that she was so emotional towards me. He insists it's not the way she wired and she wouldn't bad mouth me but that doesn't change her response to me.
I won't ever stoop to the level of emotional torture. It hurts her and hurts the children (I'm a child from a broken home, if mum was upset, us children copped it one way or another). So I continue to be nice, continue to bite my tongue and continue to say how high when she asks me to jump. It's been almost 3 years and only one dispute the entire time. I'm hoping that she'll relax and accept that I love the children as much as she does and want what's best for them. If she is the cause for the children refusing to respect me in my own home then I will pull the cord. I think she forgets how much we do for her and if she isn't willing to meet half way then I know messy and she will get a shock at how messy things can get without overly affecting the children. It'll all be above board, so to speak. Custody is one part that I know we have equal share in but there are so many other things that are taken into account in court...
Wow I just got really dark about it... Sorry I'm just stretched very thin... I would love more me time and I'm spending my 5 minutes writing to seek help... And vent
My SS also (If you read prior
My SS also (If you read prior posts) does not listen to me. But I learned today that he is this way to his mother and grandparents (both sides) sometimes. I am just the newest one so he is super worse with me. But, I have full permission to punish him...I just haven't....other than he stands in the corner which all of the skids do that for punishment. Everyone gets a warning (unless what they did is super bad) then the corner then the spank. I have never spanked a child before..other than a swat on my cousins tush when he was 4 but nothing like what my parents did.
Talking to my SS is talking to a wall also....so...my strategy is ignoring him and I am working on it when he starts with his chaos/temper. He also NEVER wants to come over and SO used to let him stay at BMs but not anymore...his time is his and the kids have to come..they have no choice in the situation.
Having been working on the
Having been working on the communication thing for two years now, I have found that yelling just means they can yell, smacking just means they can smack and foul language means they can do the same. I sit at their level (have had to restrain them at times) and spoken softly but firmly telling them they have two choices, listen and we get along and you get to play happily, OR you can not listen and I'm taking everything away each minute you don't listen. I've just started to move toys out of their room and they've freaked! When they start listening I start putting the toys back but they have to work for it. Doesn't work for all kids but it's most certainly a predominant winner. With my SS6 he has no real attachment to anything and if I push to hard I'm afraid I will damage the relationship permanently as he is extremely sensitive. He doesn't throw tantrums he cries and lashes out then runs away. I'm still trying to understand how to manage that type of hyper sensitive behaviour but it's proving to be a long process. Regular tantrums, children with strong wills and emotional bounce back I can deal with. He has a loathe for me that simmers under the surface and rears its ugly head when he doesn't get his way with me. Anyone else and he is fine. Freaks me out.
My oldest SS(21) uses that
My oldest SS(21) uses that same EXACT excuse....."I dont want to come to your house dad 'cuz SHE'S there".
No if and or butts about it,
No if and or butts about it, this kid needs to respect you. And the most important thing is that your DH needs to support you-- and show SS that he will not tolerate him disrespecting you. Period.
And to me it sounds like BM is causing this. She is tryin to turn the kid against you. It's working. But no matter what.. Your house your rules. DH needs to step up.
I just recently discovered I
I just recently discovered I am in the same situation. Fortuantely we are not married, but I still don't want to end the relationship. His son is sixteen, his ex-wife has hated me from the start and every other past relationship he had had, ( I can't take it personal, so her family told me). She went as far as to file a no contact/harrassment order against me, fortuantely the courts figured her out and denied it, but it's still on my record! My boyfriend is very passive, she won't bring the kids on his scheduled time and he just passes it off like it doesn't bother him, he just wants to avoid the drama. I on the other hand can't plan anything, right down to dinner. There has been nights where their plates were on the table and made when we found out they weren't coming. Now his sixteen year old son told his ex wife that he hates me and that I demand his dad. The only reaon he feels this way is his mother supports him and eggs it on, that and he is learning that he can't have whatever he wants when he is at our house. He gets to run free with his mom, she makes good money and has childsupport so she buys them everything they could want. We are broke and have to get creative. I am trying to convince my boyfriend that his son isn't an adult and shouldn't be able to decide where he is going when he wants...my boyfriend thinks we need to just keep paying child support and let him be. I don't want my children thinking this behavior is ok, and by letting him tell us how its going to be I can't help but wonder when my girls are going to expect to do this to their dad?