What to do about BABY-VOICE , whining, clinging?
Skid is back to our house for the next 4 days, after being in Disneyland with the BM.
The skid (8yrs. old) seems stressed and has regressed about 3 years in behavior.
This has happened before, after spending spending more than 3 days with the BM. Until she was 5 she used to pee in bed on regular basis.
I searched on line and found some info about child regression. It seems that regression is a sign of stress and an expression of anxiety.
Last night the skid brought all her stuffed toys out of the room and kept hugging all of them at once. Every time she talked to us, she used a high-pitched voice, kind of like baby talk. She kept asking for things like "can all my stuffed animals sit at the dinner table?" or "daddy can you come and sit with me in the bathroom while I brush my teeth, I feel so lonely?" or "daddy can you help me change my clothes?".
This is just frustrating.
My bf (daddy) gently said no to these things and tried to guide her to the routine and tried giving her comfort in other ways. It's seems like the skid uses this baby voice when she wants something.
Often the BM uses this voice when she picks up the skid from our house. She puts on an "act" as to how happy she is to see her "baby" really loud. Even though she rejects her non-verbally. She is always late to pick up, most of the skid is the last one to be picked up by the BM.
This past week the BM was spending some time with her own parents while they were in disneyland. I am also scared that the BM has filled the skids head with all kinds of bad things about us; I would not put it far from her that she was spewing venom to her parents, in front of the skid. She always tries to drag the skid into discussions about custody, trying to make the skid choose sides, asking her if she wants to stay with us or her. Bf has told BM countless times that she cannot do that in front the skid, but BM just ignores it. She actually enjoys stirring up shit in public.
Do any of you have similar regressions by skids when they spend time with BM?
How do we respond to it? Part of me wants to go like "for god's sake stop the baby voice, it's super annoying and it sure does not want me to give you what you need". But then I also understand that she is under lots of stress and she probably NEEDS something, comfort, hugs etc, whatever and baby voice and whining is just a way of trying to get it.
What to do?
I think a lot of people
I think a lot of people think about things the way you do - there is a valid reason for her behavior so I want to handle it with kid gloves. Don't DO that. Feelings are feelings and behavior is behavior!! Whining and baby talk should be unacceptable regardless of the cause. That doesn't mean you should be insensitive to the cause. It should be addressed and talked about and she should be taught to cope in healthy ways, but the behavior should be addressed consistently with "I'm sorry SD8, you need to use your normal voice, please". No need to yell or be mean, just refuse to engage in any conversation that is conducted in anything other than her normal voice. Hug her, comfort her at other times. Have dh keep doing what he is doing with telling her no to unreasonable requests. "I know you think you feel lonely, but everyone spends time alone now and then and it is no reason to feel that way. I love you, even when I am not right there with you".
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.
Thanks soverysad. It makes a
Thanks soverysad. It makes a lots of sense. I am a big fan of consistency, it is very important for my OWN well being too, so I can see it being good for the skid too. Wondering though as to how to try to talk to her. Bf is not very good at initiating those kind of conversations with her. He says that if the skid has an issue, she will tell us or come to us. I am not sure if that's always the case with kids, especially if they live in a split home where there is a lots of PA and the skills to communicate is not attended to.
Maybe the emphasis should be on what you said "I know you think you feel lonely, but everyone spends time alone now and then and it is no reason to feel that way. I love you, even when I am not right there with you". Instead of trying to figure out what's bothering her? Reassurance vs. trying to get her to open up?
Also, even if we could get her to talk about things; they might be issues we cannot really do much about (such as anxiety about being shuttled between households)
She might not know what is
She might not know what is bothering her. You can ask, but she likely either won't be able to or won't want to tell you. We usually just take the approach of "it is ok to feel a certain way, but your behavior needs to be acceptable. Do you want to talk about it?" IF she does, fine. If not, you gave her the option. The important thing is that she feels loved when with you and that she knows what the expectations are. Anxiety is often bread due to lack of expectations. She probably heard a lot of stuff she should not have heard and she's confused. She probably won't tell you though. BF needs to just love her and let her know he'll always love her even when she is with her mom, etc.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.
Yep. I hear you. It's
Yep. :?
I hear you. It's just tough. I wonder if she feels loved. Her dad loves her, that's a fact. I do care about her, some. So hopefully that can create a caring and loving environment.
I have cut back quite a bit on my expectations in relation to the skid. To be honest I think I was faking and pushing things that were not there emotionally in the past. I used to be more concerned about involving her and being attentive to her; but the motivation came from wanting to be liked, not from a genuine emotional place. Now I try not to be "perfect" and put on a happy face, when I do not feel it. It worries me sometimes. I have pangs of guilt for not being more pro-active keeping everything together; then I have moments of angry, I-don't-give-a -f*** moments too. So I guess my feelings are not consistent either all the time. But I feel that the more honest I can b in the situation, the more consistent I can be. Gosh, I hope this makes sense...
SS6 was doing this last
SS6 was doing this last night and he started acting like he couldn't remember what to call something so he was just pointing at it and making noises. He just returned from 3 days with BM.
First I told him that I'm not going respond if he can't talk his age and then with the pointing I said act like a big boy and use your words.
He kept on with the baby voice a bit more so finally I said keep it up I'm gonna slap a diaper on you a put you to bed right now (it was only 7:30) and babies don't get to eat cake for dessert. That finally got him to stop it.
Guys I got this problem too,
Guys I got this problem too, except we're the NCP and Sd4 gets 12 days of baby talk and coddling then we get her back. It makes me sick. She can't even wipe properly, she does it backwards which can cause some serious trouble!
Our Bm is just dumb. I don't
Our Bm is just dumb. I don't think she realizes that she is the problem not Munchkin. She actually asked ME how munchkin was this past weekend and I told her the truth. Munchkin was a perfect angel for me. (She threw a big tantrum on her dad that I had to talk her down from) but she was perfect for me. I know Bm has been having issues with Munchkin lieing, and pulling attitude but she needs to demand some respect before she'll get it.
crayon said "back from
crayon said
"back from fallujah hug"
LOL, that's good. Totally!
Goes like "Baby"
"mommy"
"baaaaby" "mooooommmmy" "baby,ba-baby" "mommy" I am so happy yo see you"
All of it in screetcy, high pitched whine. You can hear it 2 blocks away. :sick:
It's all a big production; but actions speak louder sometimes...
BM shows up at 8pm (late) to spend 1 hour with skid until she goes (that's her bedtime at our house) to bed at 9pm. She cannot spend any more time with the skid because of her workaholism. She is supposed to have a 9-5 paralegal job, but since she cannot get her ass out of the bed in the morning, due to sleep apnea and depression, she goes to work late and stays as long as she can. On the days we have skid overnight, she is at her office until 2-4am, surfing the internet and sending venomous emails to bf.
It is an art form with the BM too. The theater of phantom parenting. And is also PAS, I agree.
Boy can I relate to your
Boy can I relate to your post. We have the most spectacular 5-star pickups and dropoffs. I have never seen a better actress, BM, in my life. We have actually filmed a couple of them (well, the children, of course) so we can maybe one day submit these masterpieces for academy award nomination. It got so bad that during one of our last court dates (there are many), we requested firmly that pickups and dropoffs be done at a store so that we didn't have to endure the drama in our driveway. BM actually sent the boys back into our house on one occasion - after long, drawn-out drama in the driveway, the boys stating that they had to brush their teeth before they could go because they hadn't been done correctly at our house.
And regarding baby talk... my SS11 talks like a little girl all the time. He has done this since I met him 6 yrs ago. We have gone to counseling on our own to try and figure out how to break this. We have been told to ignore this talk and answer to "normal" talk. SS's teacher this year is a male and doesn't cater to this type of behavior. It has helped considerably, in the classroom, but our house becomes the baby-talk zone again. It is becoming less frequent but still in progress. SS has a twin brother who does NOT talk in baby talk.
And don't you LOVE the dramatic 2-hour hugs in the driveway before the child actually goes into the danger zone called DAD'S PLACE!!!!!!! Love it!
Last week my bf and I had a
Last week my bf and I had a small blowout about pick ups. BM supposed to pick up skid from Starbucks,which is half way between the two households. Or at least that's what they have agreed to. Often the BM is running late and she calls bf (he does not answer calls, only emails) and leaves a message that she is taking a cab and will be picking up the skid at our house. She is supposed to pick up at 7:30 and she calls at 7:15 that she is leaving her workplace.
Then the waiting begins. 40 mins later the skid is still sitting in her coat and backpack, waiting for mommy AGAIN. She is nervously shaking her leg, asking if her mommy is here yet. I am zooming around the house, pulling down all the shades, so that BM cannot look through the window. In the past bf told BM not to come up to the door, but last time we did not hear the cab pull up and she ended up coming up to our front porch and looking though the window. Her unhappy hamster face looking in. I was furious. She has been trying to see our place, she said that the reason we will not let her do "inspections" of our house because bf is hiding high priced electronics. She is not only crazy but also delusional.
So she pulls these surprise cab attacks and it puts everyone in a state of anxiety. Plus we have to listen to the 5 minute high pitched, baby-talk hugging, mommy-baby reunification.
So I told bf that he needs to refuse the switching of the pick up place. In other words she needs to stick to Starbucks and even if she is running late and needs to take a cab, she needs to take the cab there. No more showing up at our house, no more skid freaking out, no more BM pressing her face against our window. Period.
Bf said that he will email her about it. We shall see what happens.
omg.. we have custody of
omg.. we have custody of skids.. BM gets at times and places.. so anyways..BM calls hours before they are suppose to be home, saying SS didnt want to come home and she isnt gonna make him and that he should have a choice in where he is and where he isnt yelling and screaming on the phone about how horrible DH is and how he doesnot think about his kids.. yep you guessed it all of it was said right in front of SS.. BM brought them back after she was reminded about the custody order.. the drop off from hell: SS then 11.. he refuses to get out of the car, BM helps him in the house because he was sooo upset he couldnt even walk (can we say dramatic.. it was more her than him but he played right into it)they get to the door, in the kitchen stands my kids because they are excited skids are back..insert DH giving kids hugs.. no wait SS wont, he says to his dad "you dont love me I want to live with my mom" DH "thats not going to happen today, so just come in and we can talk" Dh takes SS hand, BM starts pulling him back screaming and crying "why dont you love him, he feels that way for a reason, (umm yeah you told him idiot), he is coming with me, I can not make him do something he does not want to do, why are you so mean, you heartless a$$.. blah blah blah".. SS is screaming and crying to, he dont want to be here, he hates us, we hate him, blah blah blah.. SD and bio kids are scared and crying.. DH never raises his voice.. I am in total shock.. this screaming and pulling and refusing to come inside went on for 20 mins.. DH says let me talk to him.. talked him into coming in to just talk.. Bm refused to leave, she said SS had to come out ALONE to say it was ok and he would stay.. SD pulls me to the side and says BM spent the entire weekend talking to SS (he is very gullible and SD does not put up with much of BM's crap or stories but he does ) so SD goes on to tell me how BM promised SS the world, and said we dont love him because he gets in trouble when he does not shower, wear clean clothes, brush his teeth, wipe his ass.. and if we truely loved him he would be allowed to decide what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it.. I called BM when the kids went to bed and let her know if there were any more scenes on MY porch I would call the cops and press charges because she is NOT welcome here, told her one foot stepped out of her car and I was pressing charges.. since she was already in trouble with the law, she didnt. Told Ss he was lucky he was not my kid cuz I would have busted his ass for being that old and acting like that.
but then again part of me understands.. his mom lived literally 2 miles away and had not seen or talked to him for 5 1/2 months.. this was one of the first visits back..
SS is almost 13, he still does not see his mom for who she is.. I told DH he better get control over something here cuz if it happened again he wouldhave to remove the kids so they didnt watch me beat the shit out of her..
Wingnut used to pull this
Wingnut used to pull this crap. Creature would cry and carry on (because Wingnut told her we're mean and will beat her) and Wingnut would freak out screaming "how can you do this to her?". We put Creature in her room until she could calm down and told Wingnut to leave or we'd call the police. This happened about half a dozen times before they both realized we wouldn't tolerate it.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.