Update
It's been a couple of months and I don't know if anybody remembers me.
I was the guy with the 3 year-old SD who would talk about killing herself. I figured it was time for an update.
I've emotionally punched out here. Like, I'm done. I have reached a point with her where I stand to gain nothing and I refuse to lose anything more. My wife's daughter is the single worst human being I know and I despise her. I refuse to interact with her unless it is absolutely necessary and even that usually involves nothing more than sticking her in her room and giving her something to eat. I do not bathe her, clothe her, brush her hair or even speak to her. Food, water, shelter and that's it.
Why? Actually, it's not just because she is horrible and I really do hate her.
At 3 1/2 years old, this child spews the most manipulative, hurtful things I have ever heard come out of a human being regardless of age. I have never heard a 3 year-old say she was going to kill herself or that she wanted to go somewhere that people would love her and not send her away. Nope, never heard that out of a kid that wouldn't qualify for preschool. I've also never seen a kid that young accidentally step on a person's toes, be told that she had, then look down, carefully aim her foot and step down on said toes again on purpose. Nope, not normal for a three year-old.
But even this stacked atop two and a half years of horrible, manipulative, angry, self destructive behavior isn't what made me walk away from this kid.
What made me emotionally ditch her was an increasingly violent series of attacks on her 1 year-old brother. There were several instances before this when her brother fell down when we weren't looking and I suspected that she'd pushed him. And while that bothered me, it made sense. I had a little brother. We never really got along, either. The odd push, shove or thump on the head was common. But I never picked up a broom, hiked it back into left field and swung it at my infant brother's head so hard it left a goose egg. Nor did I repeatedly try to clip him with a swiveling chair or run him over with a pedal-powered car. Her behavior has become dangerous to my child and I will not abide it. Nor will I put myself into a position where I harm her because I lost control after she harmed my child.
So tonight I informed my wife that her daughter was her problem. I am no longer going to interact with her on any level above the very basic, nor will I allow her to be in physical contact with our son unless my wife was within arm's reach of him. It is my belief that my wife's daughter is mentally unstable and verifiably physically dangerous to my son. Essentially, my wife's daughter has been quarantined from myself and my son indefinitely. I will have nothing further to do with her and I will protect my son from her using any means at my disposal. Yes, divorce was brought up. It would be an understandable response on my wife's part and I wouldn't fault her for it. I would, of course, hate it because my wife and I have an otherwise wonderful relationship when her vicious little hellspawn isn't around. And I would do everything possible to ensure through the courts that my son spent zero time around my wife's daughter.
Anyway, that's the update. I'm probably going to lose my marriage over the little bitch, but at least myself and my son will be rid of her.
This is the second time
This is the second time tonight that someone has posted about a SD that sounds like my DH's kid's female twin. I feel for you. I have totally removed myself from any dealings with skid as well. He is just truly off his rocker five years old or not. People that speak in absolutes are why people like us feel so abnormal. There are no absolutes with people. Is it rare for a 2,3, or 4 year old to be this malicious and disturbed? You betcha. Is it possible they really are that way because of mental disturbances? Yes. It does happen. There are young children out there that are nuts. Is it made worse by having poor parents? Yes. Is that the only reason why they are the way they are? No. DH's son is mean, violent, destructive, disturbed, and very unstable. He may be five, but I have witnessed it and you can tell by looking in his eyes that his elevator does not go all the way to the top. Hang out around him for 30 minutes and you will swear he either needs a priest or a psychiatrist or both, like NOW. He has been diagnosed with ODD, ADHD, and I think he has early onset Conduct Disorder. Look them up. Your SD sounds like she may as well. The risk you will run if you divorce is that SD will be with your son half the time outside of your watch and protection. Not a good situation. Sorry.
No, as a matter of fact he
No, as a matter of fact he will not be around my wife's daughter half of the time. If we do divorce, the first thing I'm going to do bring up her behavior and ask for a battery of psychological tests. If that doesn't work, I'll contact my wife's ex and see if he wants to restart the custody fight while I divorce her. If she wants any time with her son, she will comply with my wishes. or she will lose both kids.
DH did all of this last year,
DH did all of this last year, after I made him. He took skid to a shrink, had him evaluated, diagnosed, he disclosed ALL kinds of atrocities about BM and her home, it was all reported, CPS investigations, and the Judge still granted her joint custody. Does your wife just straight up deny that she is disturbed? What about the girl's Dad? What does he say about he behavior?
We have no contact with her
We have no contact with her father other than very official, dry emails. There is actually a court order in place forbidding text messages or phone calls unless in the event of emergency.
Yeah.... it was one of those divorces.
My wife acknowledges everything and denies nothing. She recognizes that her daughter has serious issues and doesn't argue the point. But she won't let her go and she's afraid that counseling will hurt her case in any future custody dispute. And she is absolutely right. Her ex is a teacher, his brother is a preacher, his cousin is a locally prominent cop and he has legions of church buddies who will say what an awesome guy he is. Basically, anything we do either way hangs her in a custody fight.
Not that I would have a problem with that, mind you. I'd hate seeing my wife go through all that again, but I'm dead serious when I say that I'm willing to pay child support on my wife's daughter out of MY check if it meant her never spending another night here again.
When her daughter gets a bit
When her daughter gets a bit older and is in school and attacks students or destroys other kids stuff, the school will say she is emotionally disturbed and in need of help, then, the DH will be involved and he will use the fact that she DID NOT get her help earlier against her. Dh's son is 5 and is kicked out of school right now because of his violent, aggressive, and disturbing behaviors. I think your wife is like my DH in a lot of ways. He KNOWS skid is a little convict in the making, he KNOWS he is mentally deranged, but, he sticks his head in the sand. The only reason he took skid to the shrink was because I forced him to. He never followed thru with any of her recommendations because it is just so much easier to let him run wild instead of trying to correct him.
I am right there with you, at this point I just straight up do not care at all, I would gladly pay every extra dime we have if it meant he would just go away. DH is going for full custody again due to more troubles with BM, and I feel like if he gets that ordered, it will be the same thing as a death sentence for my marriage.
Actually, my wife really does
Actually, my wife really does face this behavior. She punishes her daughter far more than I ever did. The time her daughter whacked our son in the head, I thought very seriously that my wife had hurt her. Like, she twisted off on the little beast.
Fat lot of good it did, though. The kid is incapable of empathy or even learning not to do something that she will obviously be punished for. My wife will tell her not to do something and no sooner than she gets the sentence out of her mouth does her daughter do that exact thing while looking her right in the eyes. This kid enjoys punishment. No, really. She actually likes getting spanked. She cries and wails and says whatever noxious, manipulative crap she can ad lib at the moment, but ten seconds later she'll announce that she's done crying and there she'll stand, smile on her lips and tears still streaming down her cheeks.
My wife gets all of this. She really, really does. She just knows that whichever way she moves with it, she loses. I just hope our marriage can survive until her ex swoops in with his money and church buddies and takes his evil little demon spawn away.
I am glad u posted an update.
I am glad u posted an update. I have only been on here a month and there are several posters who think that no small child is capable of being intrinsically flawed/disturbed. They think it all on the parents, what they don't do, what they allow, etc. I totally agree that parents spoil children when they are passive, do not set limits and boundaries, do not punish, let the kid run amuck, of course they are going to get a spoiled assed rotten brat. But, you take a child that is mentally ill, born that way for whatever reason, sometimes, no amount of correction or discipline helps. They are immune to it working, they thrive on it because they enjoy negativity and discord. My DH is too concerned about being skids buddy than he is about being an effective parent. Skid is so defiant, so rude, so out of control, so aggressive and unruly, and skid just tunes it out and caters to his every demand until he is ran absolutely ragged. Is he to blame for that? Yes. Would skid still be mentally ill? Yes. Skid is just as u described, there is NO empathy and he never stops. Before I disengaged, I just could not tolerate the rages, the disrespect, the destruction, I would attempt to correct him by putting him in time out and he would fly off into a rage that would meet inpatient level criteria without a doubt. Dh would get tired of him screaming bloody murder, cussing like a possessed devil child, tearing things up, and let him come out and baby him, totally undermining me. I knew it was of no use. I told DH that I was done. Out. Finished. I told him I was no longer going to be involved, that if he is at work skid is not to be here. I do not keep him, I do not do for him, I want nothing to do with him. The days he is here when DH is not working are still awful, because I still have to hear him and know he is in my home, but I don't have that constant stress anymore of trying to stop the madness. I have lost all respect for my DH because he lets a 5 year old control his every waking move, I have a lot of anger and resentment, and that is all I can do is hope we can survive until a miracle of somekind occurs. I have resigned myself to the fact that if Dh gets full custody that is a sign from above that I am meant to get out of this mess all together.
Yeah, that's where we are
Yeah, that's where we are now. I'm done. The kid is fucked.
I feel sorry for my wife, though. She's an excellent mother. She doesn't let her daughter get away with being a brat. She sets boundaries and enforces them. But what do you do with a kid who actively craves punishment? I actually tried denying her punishment as an experiment once. My plan was to simply ignore her behavior and force her to act in an acceptable manner in order to get any attention at all.
The experiment ended when she punched the cat in the face.
Some things, there's just no fixing. My wife gets it, too. She really does. But she can't let her daughter go and I get that. I hate to just cut her loose and let her founder trying to discipline her daughter all alone, but maybe it's the only way to get her to tired of dealing with the kid and let her go.
I would feel sorry for my DH
I would feel sorry for my DH and support him wholeheartedly if he did his job as a father, but he doesn't and I dislike him more as a person everyday because of it. I tried that too once. I thought ok, you like the drama, you like getting worked up, you like feigning hysterics, I will just ignore you completely. It did not work out at all either. He started chunking everything he could lift at me and screaming, "TALK TO MEEEEEEE TALK TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" over and over and over in his rage filled voice. Now, when he is here I hide in my room and only leave it to get something to eat or take the dog out and when I do he just stares me down and grits his teeth and I can feel the hatred just steaming off of me because to a child like him, an ODD child, if you take away their ability to defy you, they will hate you more than if you were trying to discipline them. In your situation, I would recommend the girl go to her father's. Maybe if your wife realizes it is her or you and her other child she will try that.
Yeah, I basically lock my
Yeah, I basically lock my wife's daughter in her room when my wife isn't around to deal with her. She can wreck that room all she wants.. nothing in there belongs to me.
I straight up refuse to allow
I straight up refuse to allow him to be here at all if DH is not around. I used to but last Fall after months and months of pure Hell because of skid and BM, I said NO MORE! Since skid is kicked out of school he stays with MIL on the nights Dh works. When Dh leaves for work at 12:30 he takes skid with him, he stays the rest of the day and night with MIL, DH picks him up the next morning and he is here until 12:30 again. I refuse to allow him in my home under my care because I do not want to be responsible for him in any way at all. What is your SD like around family/friends? Skid is terrible when he is with MIL but she is worse than DH with the coddling and enabling. She is in total denial that he is not normal. She is a total loony tune herself though so that explains that.
My wife's daughter is
My wife's daughter is basically intolerable in any scenario. She actually gets worse around strangers and visitors. Today was her brother's first birthday party and she was in rare form, even for her. Every time a camera came out, she stuck her bugeyed mug right inbetween it and her brother. He gets a toy? She either plays with it or runs over it. Also, she wailed whenever she was told to get lost because it wasn't her day. Then she started annoying her great aunt's shi tzu. That part I approved of simply because I wanted to see her get bitten. Unfortunately, the dog was pretty well mannered.
Right now she's with her grandmother, who does an excellent job of making her extra special intolerable. Whatever. I'll just jam her in her room when she comes back or grab my son and go fishing.
It is impossible to take skid
It is impossible to take skid anywhere. I stopped going out in public with him way before I full on disengaged from him. He is such an attention seeker that he will go up to strangers in the store and start trying to irritate them no matter how many times he is told not to talk to strangers, telling him that only makes him do it more since he is so OD. At one time I thought he maybe had Reactive Attachment Disorder, but kids with ODD will do this type of thing as well, so I don't know. I again seriously urge you to explain it to your wife in a way so she understands that she is failing this child by not seeking services out for her. I cannot believe that her biodad has not said something about it. Does he not spend much time with her at all and does she behave this way with him when she is in his care? Once he figures out that not having her evaluated and treated is a form of neglect recognized by CPS he will most certainly use that against your wife. No Judge is going to take the child away from a mother because the child has mental issues and she is seeking treatment. But, a Judge may do so for NOT seeking treatment.
Holy shit. Tell me where you
:jawdrop:
Holy shit. Tell me where you are, so I can call CPS on the both of you!!!!
I remember you, I would of
I remember you, I would of hoped well I did hope it got better and she grew out of the horribleness hence why you hadn't posted, I'm sorry to hear that isn't the case at all. My opinion is it more important to have custody of a child ever just to be able to have custody and ignore the mental and physical health of a child. Is custody or the possibility of a custody battle such a big deal where mental/health neglect is acceptable? Because you and your DW both know this child needs help at 3 she is the kids who goes on rampages and kills or pulls an American Psycho later in life, denying this child help will look real bad later when you can't hide it anymore. Your DW needs to realize she's not doing her kid any favors here. Keep your boy safe, hug him tight and do what you can to stay sane.
I know that my wife loves her
I know that my wife loves her daughter. I just think she's trapped by the whole scenario. Personally, I think the best thing for the child is a permanent trip to her father's. Even though the guy pawns her off on his family and never sees her. Whatever happens, she needs to go away and stay there.
That is what I said as well.
That is what I said as well. His wife is just dragging out the inevitable and it will make her look way worse than she would now in the end. This child will go to school possibly at 4, and once she starts attending and acting this way there, they will call the parents in and discuss her issues. They will say she is emotionally disturbed and in need of special services and mental health services. Then the father, the one the poster's wife does not want to battle in court, will have her over a barrel. Hiding her problems, not addressing them in therapy now for fear of her ex using it against her to gain custody is only going to really bite her in the butt later because it WILL come out eventually. OP cannot be faulted for the child not getting the help she needs. He is a stepparent and cannot take it upon himself to get her evaluated.
The girl has been like this
The girl has been like this for 2 1/2 years and yet you made a 1 year old with her mother?!?!?
Please please beg your wife
Please please beg your wife to get that girl some serious help!! I do not care that she is worried about losing custody- what I & everyone else most likely worry about- is when this disturbed young girl could do to society!!!! Oh gosh- can you even imagine how much worse an untreated mentally disturbed girl is gonna be as she grows older?? Your wife should care MORE about this girls real issues and faaaaaar less about a possible custody battle!!! It IS your wifes JOB as a mom to see that this little girl get the HELP she NEEDS!!!
Pretending to not get her help-- IS abusive in my book!! Obviously your wife IS aware that there are some big problems here with her child!! Its full on NEGLECT to turn a cheek here & not do right by this child - by NOT getting her some serious mental health!!
You should DEMAND your wife to get that kid some help!!! Your wife is being a PATHETIC mom, in my opinion by worrying about her own ass instead of the help your SD really needs!!!
(By the way- Im rooting for you but saddened your wife is being such a coward about this)
If mom is pathetic, what is
If mom is pathetic, what is the OP? What grown ass man treats a TODDLER like this???
You are right, it is
You are right, it is classified as neglect-failure to obtain necessary medical/psychiatric needs and if the bio Dad gets wise to it he will most certainly use it against her. But, I agree, that should not be her concern. She needs to have her evaluated ASAP for the child's sake. If her ex is decent, he would not fault her for that, he would commend her for getting the child help. It is not her fault that she is mentally unstable.
DH's kid was diagnosed with
DH's kid was diagnosed with ODD and ADHD when he was 4. The doctor was evaluating him for Early Onset Conduct Disorder as well but BM refused to take him back since DH was the one who initiated the evals. The doctor said she just would not put him on meds until he was 5 and he would not be old enough for inpatient until 7.
WEBCAMS!!!!! Document
WEBCAMS!!!!! Document everything the 3yo does. If she is being violent then you have to protect your son, your home, yourself and your family. Even if your DW will not.
I would go a step further than you have. Tell your wife that the little girl is not welcome in your family home. She can go live with her biodad. Of course your DW will balk but she has to commit to protecting her youngest child. I would make the only option other than the SD going away be manditory 24/7 video survelance and a Psichiatrist. No counseling for this kid. Full blown medical psichiatry.
Hang in there dad.
Good luck.
Sincerely,
I agree with you on this all
I agree with you on this all the way. I video taped skid before I disengaged and DH took it to the psychiatrist. I kept a log of all of the violent outbursts and all of the things he would say as well. I totally agree with you on skipping the counseling all together. From what I have witnessed through work and with skid, with kids like this, play therapy is not going to even begin to hit the surface of these issues. They need intensive psychiatric care and will need it for the rest of their lives.
I think your only choice is
I think your only choice is to divorce unless she takes her kid to intense therapy. It's up to her but no matter what guy she is with... she will have the same problems.