Son and step-dad clash
I am new here, but wanted to see if anyone's relationship has "survived" this type of situation. I have a 12yr old son who has been newly diagnosed with Asperger's. My husband & I have been married 8yrs and have 6 children between the 2 of us. The children are 22, 21, 21, 17, 14, & 12. The 3 oldest are on their own and the 12 & 17yr olds are my children who live with us fulltime. The 12yr old has had a challenging year in 6th grade. He makes straight A's & is in the Gifted program, but socially and emotionally has issues. He knows he is different, but very high functioning and just really tries to just be himself. My husband is a "joker" and a very sarcastic type person and mix that with my son is very literal - is not a good mix. Today my son asks him "Why do you always have to be so mean to me?", "Please stop being mean to me." The issue is my son is very, very sensitive and my husband just thinks he can stop being literal and so sensitive. Long story short basically, my husband finds my son annoying and a "wimpy" boy because he can't play sports and he is attached to me. Now, he has had 8 surgeries in his life time and I have been the only constant thing there. He does find security in me and I know that. I have him in counseling just to try and get him through school (gets picked on sometimes) and to teach me how to handle him and when to push him and when not to.
My daughter (17yr old) has been EASY! My son on the other hand requires alot more attention and re-directing and re-phrasing. I told my husband today that until he goes with me to counseling and learns more about the "syndrome" he will find that Stephen is annoying and just a brat (in his eyes). I guess I am seeing resistance to understanding the issues and instead he sees it as me making excuses for my son. For some reason my husband can't get it through his thick skull I want my kids to be independent, self suffucient, secure with themselves and happy. Each kid just goes about it differently......ok alot differently in this case! I am trying to figure out what expectations to have of him (my son) and when or if things occur in the future, how do I deal with them. I told my husband today that since this was more than he "bargained" for, he could leave and I'd understand. I don't want him to, I do want a peaceful home and not everyone feel like we have to walk on pins & needles.
Any help out there???? I am hanging on by a very thin thread!!
Hey, I hear you! It's very
Hey, I hear you! It's very difficult for someone who is not familiar with Aspberger's to understand it fully, especially with someone who is at the more able end of the spectrum. I'd cut DH a little slack, I do not think he really intends any malice. After all, you've been married all this time, right? DH accepts all other aspects of your son, right? I can imagine someone just discovering their son has a diagnosis, and that alone takes some coming to terms with.
I have a 30 year old son at the more able end of the spectrum too, believe me, they are just like the rest of us and do NOT need to be protected from society in quite the way you might think, my boy is 30 now. I raised my boy the same way as I raised the others, teaching respect for others, good manners and good habits. I chanelled my boy's interests (read obsessions) in a healthy way, towards socially acceptable things like music, films or collections.
I think it might be worth telling you that Aspberger's folks have a terrific sense of humor, can be as manipulative as any other kid and will lap up all the extra attention too! PLEASE do NOT get suckered in because of a diagnosis, I understand that it's a broad spectrum and each person is different but to maximise the potential of each child a sense of normalcy and consistent care is important, just like with any other child! I was a bit shocked when I realized what the doctors were saying, then again I realized that ALL kids can develop a learned sense of helplessness too. Read a book by an author named Uta Frith, entitled; Asperger's and Autism. It's a case study type thing and covers a wide range of aspects of the disorder.
I'd like you to understand your own grief, amidst mine I still had to make sure that my son grew as a person too. He's an awesome guy!
my ss8 has autism. high
my ss8 has autism. high functioning. because of his high functioning, i expect his behaviors to be the same as my bio sons behaviors, they are all around the same age. I know that SS8 KNOWS what is right and what is wrong, because i've seen him display appropriate behaviors on many occasions.
my issue is that ss8's behaviors have been tolerated for so long as he doesn't have a BM that is in his life and everyone feels so guilty over his autism I guess that they just do and have always done everything for him. He does not listen to me when I tell him he has to do something, he'll say no, i don't have to listen to you, etc. my issue is mostly with dad I think because dad will simply 'talk to ss8" and tell him "you have to listen to xx" and just expects him to do it. God forbid he took away his TV or his Wii or something to make him start behaving appropriately. I guess what i'm saying is that i'm sick of the autism being the excuse for allowing all his bad behaviors to take place in my home.