so confused
I hate to put this on here but I really don't know what to do. Here's the deal: dated bf for 2 years-recently married; both of his biokids (2 diff mothers) loved me; then his 7 yr old's mother passed and we moved (w/in the same town); the 7 yr old tells me he hates me 90% of the time; i left a great job so that i would be home in the evenings to spend time and bond with him-to no avail; we have been told he has ODD, ADHD, PTSD, mutliple anxiety disorders, adjustment disorders, behavioral disorders; his mother's home was a nightmare-not even going to get into that, even with that how long do you let bad behavior that he witnessed there continue at our home-he knew before she passed that he couldn't act that way when he was with us, so why did that change; he has been on numerous meds-to which he says i need them to be good; so why is it that he is on them, and still literally walks on me like i am a piece of trash; my bio daughter would never and has never acted that way to ANYONE EVER (she is 15). So here is the dilemma: no discipline works NONE! We took his toys away for a long time and it made no difference. Medicine will not fix hatred (the psychologist said that) so any suggestions on how i can handle this. i've tried ignoring him, loving him, when i hug him he says it hurts???? i've tried taking things away, rewards...thing is he has no respect for anyone or anything. school suffers, homework turns into him screaming and acting like he is going to hurt me, which by the way he did say how he would do it!-i try to not do homework w/him but with sports going late into the evening he needs to do it in the morning and his dad is at work. so so so so so discouraged
oh and i feel i should say
oh and i feel i should say that he had all of these behaviors before his mother died- but he knew he had to be respectful and act right around me. this all changed when she passed, i understand that this has been horrible for him - but please remember that he was having issues in kindergarten while she was alive, the child has never known real discipline so he has no idea of consequences... :?
oh and something else...he
oh and something else...he said his mother obeyed him (he literally said obeyed) and that i should do the same...he has no concept that the parent is the adult, he feels that children are in charge because that is what he saw at his mother's, i know some kids are that way but he takes it to a level that i have NEVER seen before
I really appreciate you
I really appreciate you putting your situation on here for us. Thing is we tried taking his things and it made no impact, none. That's what is so hard. We of course will continue to work on these issues but the hard part is even when we took his things he had no idea that it was his fault and still feels that way? I can understand that to a point, but it never changes. He will get in trouble at school and blame me for it when I'm nowhere near the place. He will get in trouble at his half brother's house and blame me when I haven't done or said anything. All of his life he was told nothing was his fault and that there were no consequences so we are reversing 6 years of that type of learning. Along with major learning issues due to a lack of respect for authority-which was before his mother passed. Some days are harder than others, but maybe when I get this new job working nights he will be better off. I'll be here in the morning but not at night-which I know is what he wants. He hates that his Dad and I are together and now he will have that time just with him-unfortunately I have no choice.
we have been to 3 different
we have been to 3 different psychologists, they all tend to lean the same way
we tried counseling...went through like 5 of them. he won't open up other than he hates me and that his half sisters do to (by the way they don't even know me) as far as the parenting plan we really do try but it is so hard when he doesn't want to do what he "knows" he should? if that makes sense? Thanks for the support, some days I need it more than others. And i love you're quote, I say that everyday.
You are certainly going
You are certainly going through something very difficult and my heart goes out to you and your family. My best advice is to find a counselor who SPECIALIZES in the issues confronting your family and make your ss keep going even if tis not helpful at first. It may take months or even longer for him to open up to a therpaist but the trick is to STICK with it, even if he hates it and even if you dont see results right away. Therapy is not a magic wand, which is why in the end it works the best, it takes perserverance and hard work to make it pay off but in the end if you stick with it and the therapist knows what he is doing it WILL work. I pray for the best for you.
well they all say make no
well they all say make no exceptions for him, he knows what is expected and he should be held accountable-so hard to do because even when we do that he goes right back to doing the bad behaviors. his teacher was asked from the school psychologist what she expected of him and she sd the same as all the other children-he said well can't we work on one thing? like not calling out. why should he get this treatment? what will happen when he gets older and kids say look man i'm sorry for what happened to you but it's not fair that you can do that and we can't? i don't want to set him up for failure later in life, nor do i want him to come at me and try to kill me either (which is why my bedroom door is always locked). His Dad and I are together on everything-thank God for that. crazy thing is he all the time blames me for everything. for example: when he gets in trouble at school, when he gets in trouble at church w/my brother's family. it doesn't matter it's me. and i know it sounds like a pity me, but honestly it isn't i'm just lost. i have always sd i love all children and don't get me wrong i love him with all my heart or i wouldn't still be here but at this point my whole outlook on things has changed... I'm just so glad to hear someone say they understand - how do you know what issues are from what. thank you so much for that!
Thank you for your kind
so today i've just about been
so today i've just about been broken. honestly i could sit in the bathroom and cry but i know that won't fix anything-and i know i'm stronger than that-but at this point i'm feeling pretty shitty. sorry for the not so nice word but that's where i'm at. i have been told "i hate you" like 100 times that i'm the worst mom, the rudest, and sadly when he says this you would think he is possessed. i make sure everything is ready for him, i make sure he gets to the dr, i make sure of eveything yet i get the worst treatment. is it because i ask him to lift the seat to pee? or to make sure his shirt isn't on backwards-cause that's all i ask of him. i've given up on asking him to put his clothes away or straighten up his room-because that turns into WWIII. sorry just needed to vent cause i feel totally alone at the moment
ok so after reading my last
ok so after reading my last post...maybe i am doing the right thing because he hates me so much lol. my friend always said if your kid hates you because you are trying to teach them the right ways that means you're doing your job. i think what i struggle with are all the questions the psychologists and psychiatrists ask me. i can't honestly say if he behaves age appropriately because as far as i can tell he doesn't but...my daughter was nothing like him (even prior to his mother passing), my daughter knew what was expected and how she was to behave in public and in private (at 4) but he doesn't. thanks again for listening.
thank you again what's funny
thank you again
what's funny is that in my head i know you are right-i even told my one friend that he is worse than any bully i knew in school-you hit it right on the head. but what gets me is that in that moment i'm not myself anymore it's like he has complete control and i'm not a weakling so not only do i get frustrtated with him i am beyond frustrated with myself. i was trying to get family based counseling but it seems that noone thinks (dr wise) that we need it. so my concern is when he tells me over and over that he wants to hurt me or kill me what should i say? totally ignore it? or tell him "now you know it's not ok to talk to anyone like that"? I am in completely unchartered waters here. And you are so right I know I need to pick my battles I guess I just don't know which ones are the right ones anymore...i know i sound ridiculous but with my child there was no gray area, there was right and wrong. and with ss it seems the simplest tasks are the worst? thanks again so much for listening to me and giving me advice, it really means a lot.
Wow there is a lot going on
Wow there is a lot going on at yours, I truly feel for you!!!
I agree with what was just said about a hug mentally hurting. I had a friends once who would reject a hug as it would make things worse. In actual fact it was that a hug would give her comfort, and that resulted in her emotions breaking through the barriers she put up to try to not feel.
As an adult I have discovered that grief is different for everyone, but often takes time. It sounds like your ss is grieving and doesn't know what to do with himself. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to loose a parent, let alone at such a young age. My father has been very absent in my life (he's a drunk) and sometimes when i see happy families out with their kids and grandchildren it really saddens me. I dont even dare intriduce my sd and my dad, as i want to protect her from seeing what i did. Even being around my father in-law, who is so loving can make me sad over 'the father I wished I had'. If ss mum wasnt really there as a parent, Perhaps your ss is grieving for 2 things. The first being the death of his mum, and the second the reality that his mum will never be the one he wanted/needed. Then in steps you ...who is there, and still alive and I can only guess it brings up more pain and perhaps resentment that your alive and she's not. That doesn't mean that he hates you, perhaps hes terrified to get close to anyone, let alone another mother figure. Has anyone told him it's ok to be angry and verified his feelings are ok? It's possible he could take your disapproval of his actions when angry, as disapproval of him. I found it helpful explaining to my ss6 that her feelings are valid and ok, but not all her actions are. We then make it clear her consequence is as a result of her action and not what she is feeling, and that we are rejecting the behaviour and not her. Also saying how it makes us feel when he does things, so he has an idea why your upset etc. Regardless of what he thinks he needs, this boys needs some serious love!!!!
Perhaps try sending him to some kind of martial arts class to give him a controlled and safe environment to difuse the anger he has inside. It will give him some structure, and teach him some self discipline away from anyone who he has a deeper emotional relationship with. Another suggestion is that relate offer family councilling for divorce etc. Im not sure if they offer it around death, but it may be worth checking out. I pray that anything I said may help, and that you get the help and support your family needs at this hard time. X
For one reason or another, I
For one reason or another, I can’t see all of this content, stuff keeps hiding? Are you utilising something crazy?
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