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sleep time, jealousy, and a new baby

live.fate's picture

I'm not sure if I am in the right or wrong in this situation, but regardless I cannot seem to be able to keep my emotions in check, every skid weekend I feel so angry with DH that I can't sleep and feel like kicking him out. I am a BM of an almost 4 year old, my DH doesn't necessarily feel anything for her or take on any "fatherly" role, which I've learned to be okay with. I am also SM to his son, same age as my daughter. Both kids have their own rooms. My DD sleeps fine in her room all week and respects bedtime, but skid weekend becomes hell. My dh does not enforce any bedtime rules, he just stays up with his son watching tv until they fall asleep together on the couch for the night. It affects my DH because she feels jealous that SS gets to watch TV all night and not go to bed while she has to, which leads to hours of her fighting bedtime. I'm expecting a baby soon, my DH and I's first and only biological child together. And I REALLY REALLY want his son sleep trained before the baby arrives, as not only will I be dealing with my daughters jealously over SS but it also means 2 days a week my DH is leaving me alone with a newborn and my distraught, jealous daughter. I think DH is experiencing guilty dad syndrome and doesn't want to do any hard parts of parenting with his son,he just wants it to be fun times when he has his son. But I feel that he's totally disregarding me, and how hard it'll be to have to deal with a newborn and a jealous child on my own every weekend. I feel like he doesn't care at all about my feelings on the matter as after having spoken many times about it, he claims to agree with me, but then either promises to come to bed and never does, or sneaks off once he thinks I'm asleep. All this brings up feelings that there may be a larger issue; my DH has shown no interest in the pregnancy, he hasn't told anyone, even parents, at ultrasounds he sits in the corner texting and looking totally disinterested, he gets angry every time I buy something for the baby, and hasn't bought anything himself, he never rubs my belly or wants to talk about names. I know he did all these things with his son. I'm not sure what the difference is this time around, feels like he doesn't want this baby, even though he was the one that convinced me to have him, I didn't want more children. I'm not sure what to do, I feel hurt, and every time I bring anything up he just makes me feel like I am a horrible person for pushing the issue of sleep training his son, because a) it's not my place and b) it might affect his son. Of course it will for a little while,some parts of parenting aren't easy, but him not being there for me and his new son on skid weekends will affect me, but that's a non-issue in his mind. I should just deal. This is more of a rant then anything, but advice on how to deal is welcome.

One Step Back's picture

I think I'd be opting for getting out of the situation until he starts doing the right thing. It's no good him telling you he's going to be a proper parent and then deliberately sneaking out of bed. For a grown man he's showing very immature behaviour.

This is unfair on your daughter and for that reason alone I'd be telling him that when he's sorted out himself and his sons behaviour, you'll be back. Until then, take an extended break elsewhere. Friends/family?
I've been in a similar situation and it's taken me a year and a half of constantly being on his case to make him realise the damage he's doing. It's hard work and soul destroying. My OH was pretty much the same with my pregnancy, except scans where he would brag about how clever he was for making 'that'. It took him until she was 4 months old for him to bond with her, but now they are very close and SS is the one he's not so close to.

Best of luck.

Rags's picture

I would go to your states online CS calculator and run a hypothetical CS obligation (based on his income, your income and joint and nonjoint children) that your DH would owe if he fails to engage with your STB child and if you choose to kick him to the curb.

Outline your concerns re: Skid bed time, failure to engage in your pregnancy (give examples) then give him your expectations of what he WILL do. Once you have presented him with what should be clarity then hand him the CS calculator print out and let him know that if your marriage fails this is likely what he will be obligated to pay in CS for your joint child.

Hopefully he pulls his head out of his ass.

Good luck.